Losing A parent from cancer

[StrivingToSurvive]

Hi,

Now I understand why 2020 is the worst. at the beginning of the year I was living a normal life as a 15 yr old and I continued on to do so. I came across many friends who just hated this yr so bad because of remote learning and stuff. for me that wasn't that bad because I loved staying home and avoid seeing people.

things were going good until July where my mum had her hands turned purple. she went to the hospital and came back being diagnosed with TNBC (triple negative breast cancer). My mum is the type who hides her pain VERY well with her smile. I had really high hopes that she would heal. but as days passed on, her condition got worse. Her death is not what scarred me and made me painfully sad. It is the amount of pain she went through and me just sitting there not knowing what to do just broke me into tears.

every time I go home from school, the first thing I do was to always go see my mum, she would always be there in the kitchen cooking food for us.

And now I go home with no scent of her cooking, no sound, just complete silence. The light that used to lit up the house is gone. the warmth of her hug has disappeared. she never cared or spent money on herself. she needed new clothes but she wanted to spend her money on us and other people.

People with the kindest heart leaves the best memory and at the same time the worst pain.

I hope I can find someone who can relate to me because it is hard. Grief is something that will never heal completely. I don't want to feel alone anymore.

Thank you for reading this.

[white knight]

Hi STS, welcome

First may I introduce myself. Im 64yo and like all people have lost loved ones.

Last week my wife lost her step father to cancer. Her father is in hospital also with cancer.

Regardless of the above it was the passing of my father in 1992, he was 64. I was then 36, that shook my world. How was I going to cope?

What I did was carry on my father's legacy. That is- to be kind to others, love and protect animals and create a rose garden in his honour.

You can do similar. Cooking? What about embracing cooking for others as a means to inherit her caring personality? One day you might be watched while you cook ...maybe by a child and you would be admired the same as you did your mum.

Another way of coping is writing. I write poetry e.g. I've written several poems about my father.

15yo is young to lose your mother. She would be so proud of you for writing in here with such dignity and poise.

Repost anytime

TonyWK

[StrivingToSurvive]

Hi TonyWK,

Im so sorry to hear that you've lost many dear ones through out your life. my deepest condolences to you and your wife. Im a bit relieved that you are able to understand what it feels like to lose loved ones.

My mum was 54 and my dads 61. im scared to lose my dad too at a young age. His getting old...

I mostly feel sorry for my younger siblings who are both 10 and 11. I worry about them everyday and do everything I can as an older sister. I don't want them to fall into depression. Though its likely for them to fall into it from what I've researched.

Your totally right about carrying on my mums legacy. Im am now motivated to do things that she used to do. Thnx for the advice:)

Ive always started cooking for myself because no-one makes food at home anymore. but I just need to work on cooking for the family not just myself.

Also thats a great idea to write a poetry about her.

Once again, Thank you:)

[Matchy69]

Hi Striving to survive I have lost both my parents to cancer and my true love at the age of 30 and many more family members.I was about your age when my dad passed away from cancer.You are so young for this to happen to you losing your wonderful mother.I wish I could say words of comfort for you but struggling with tears at the moment.You sound like you have some great memories to remember your mother by.They will be things you cherish in the years to come.I still find myself thinking of my parents and crying.Take one day at a time.

Tale care,

Mark.

[StrivingToSurvive]

Hi Mark, i am so very sorry to hear that.

My heart is filled in utmost sadness for you. Me here couldnt even bear the death of my mum and yet alone youve went through such a hard time more than i probably did. But then again evryone is different in their grief. I cannot imagine what its like to be in your position to lose BOTH parents from cancer. That is just...HeArt BrEAkiNg😭.

Death of someone is like torture. One thing i hate about this life. I wish it never existed.

Can you maybe share me some tips to growing up or moving on without someone who you depended on with your life?

[Matchy69]

Hi StrivingToSurvive and thank ou for your kind words.It was a really difficult time in my life when my dad passed from cancer.I was completely scared all the time and when he finally went I really didn' handle it well.I was really close to him.I locked myself in my room and shut myself off from the world.Some advice I would give is keep trying live your normal life best you can.See a grief councillr and talk about how you are feeling.I had feelings of anger and felt so alone.I think getting into a new routine when you come home or just saying hello to a picture of your mum.Always remember the the wonderful person your mum was.And it is ok to cry and it is ok to be sad a nd you need to go through a grieving process.

Tale care,

Mark.

[hopeful_daughter]

hi STS, I came across your post now as here I am, at almost 3am in the morning crying my heart out again coz like you, I lost my beautiful Mom last year due to breast cancer. I am so sorry about your Mom, I can only imagine the pain and struggle you must be going through now given that your are very young. I was 35 when I lost Mom last year and all the while, when I was younger, I have anticipated for my loved ones' passing to come at some point. But yea, nothing can really ready you for it and when I thought I am mature and tough enough to face it, I feel like drowning with grief and sad emotions most of the time. Harder during this month because this period was the time when she was already in and out of the hospital.

I am sure your Mom is very proud of you on how you are holding up and continuing your life now. What I feel helps me is by reading and joining grief forums coz it somehow helps me feel I am not alone and I am not the only one who has to go through this. Someone who has not lost a parent will never understand the pain we feel and I find that it is hard to explain my emotions to them because I know that they do not and will not understand it unless it happens to them. Given that, I prefer being in forums like this because it is easier to relate.

Do not stop yourself if you feel like crying, cry it out, it will give you an instant relief, don't hold off on shedding tears.

While it is easier said than done, force yourself to be motivated especially with your studies. Not everyday is a bad day and for days that you feel normal, do something productive and fun, losing our Mom does not mean that our happiness stops when they left us. I am sure, our Moms would hate seeing us sad all the time, they would want us to carry on with our lives, accomplish things and enjoy the journey.

Lastly, I am not sure if you are a spiritual person but if you are, i find prayer calms me and helps with being hopeful that there will be better days ahead.

I read somewhere that sadness from grief comes in waves, expect that in periods of special occasions throughout the year, the longing for our Moms to be around then would be there. We just need to ride it everytime and trust that the pain we feel now will be lesser as years go by.

I wish us well, I hope to hear from you again. Stay strong and positive, we need to make our Mommas proud.

[StrivingToSurvive]

hi hopeful_daughter, appreciate you responding to my forum. makes me feel like others do share related pain as me.

I am so sorry to hear that you have lost your beloved mother too. it saddens me how much people lose their mothers. Having a mother is honestly the biggest blessing. my mum was my best friend. it felt like I was a sister to her but always had comfort, relieve and protection. its been 8 months and I still feel the same sorrow every single day. not a day has passed without me shedding tears for her. Sometimes it feels unreal to think that she's dead. Maybe she's at her mums house overseas and she will be back soon- is what I always think until I realise that she's forever gone and start balling my eyes out...

I never stop myself from crying. at school I cry, lunch time I spend my time in the bathroom crying. through my grief I have isolated myself from people. I have no energy to talk to people. I am failing at school with so much absence. and now I have developed severe anxiety and depression (im seeing a psychologist to help me out). I wish I could just go see mum and lay on her lap saying everything would be alright, but that hen over an egg Is gone. I have lost my shelter.

yes I am a spiritual person, I pray whenever I think of her.

I want a hug from her. her hug is an out of the world sensation. I truly miss that, nothing can replace it and im sure you feel the same way 😞

it does come in waves, but I would say thought out the day, not a week or a month.

Your right, mum wouldnt want to see us sad but that is just a hope. I try to stay positive but it really hits me so bad.

im taking baby steps, hoping things in the future that I come across can be handled easy without the assistance of my mother.

I pray you and I and all those suffering to go through this well, hope to hear more from you

Thank you.

[Sweesoft]

I also lost my parents when I was young, my mom died when I was just 13 and my dad died 15 years later. It's really hard to move on, I was devastated, and somehow affected my mental health. I still miss them especially now that I have my own family.

Time will heal all wounds but we will never forget the memories we had with them.

[Guest_4643]

hey strivingtosurvive, welcome.

i'm so sorry for your loss. i lost my grandparents (mum's parents, dad's passed away before i was born) years ago (2013 & 2015) from cancer also. i miss them so much, beyond words. i can imagine it would be worse and harder losing a parent. my sincere condolences to you. there is no time limit on grieving.

for me, i always get triggered by certain things that remind me of them, such as clothes they liked to wear, seeing people that look like them (especially my nana for some reason), smells, photos, just about anything.

i try to tell myself they're out of their pain and suffering and at peace, and in heaven looking down on me (i'm not religious but i believe in that stuff). i personally think the stars remind me of them and in my thoughts, they might be up there as one, that's just my personal beliefs though. and they're with their other loved ones in heaven.

i also grieve for animals too who i love and miss so much also. and on the anniversaries and birthdays i also get triggered. i try to visit the cemetery whenever i can but it's a couple hours away.

thinking of you.