Death of my 97 year old Mum 2 days ago

[FridaysChild]

It’s Saturday today. On Tuesday my Mum had a massive stroke. On Thursday at 00:18 she died - exactly 12 months to the day after moving into residential aged care.

I was with her the first day of her stroke all day and slept in her room that night listening to her struggling to breathe. They got her on morphine pretty quickly - but anyone who talks about palliative care keeping the dying ‘comfortable’ hasn’t had the same experience I have.

My sister stayed over the next night because I needed sleep. Mum died at 18 minutes past midnight.

I was there the next morning.

I don’t know what to feel yet. I think I know what I’m supposed to feel - but I just feel empty and angry. Angry?

Yep. Angry.

Her death and dying was horrific and ugly. For her it was frightening, painful, humiliating, hideous. She suffered. She didn’t die peacefully - that’s just what I told family members who weren’t there.

When I saw her body the morning after she died, I finally understood the meaning of the word ‘corpse’. It was awful.

I can’t wrap my head around all of this and there’s been no time to figure out what I feel. We had to deal with the funeral home, pack up her room at the nursing home, try to look after my 98 year old Dad - who’d lost his love and companion of 85 years. I’m so tired my body aches but I can’t sleep. Food doesn’t appeal at all and most of the time I feel sick.

I haven’t cried yet. My throat is choked with a hard lump and my head is tight with ache. My eyes are sore. I can’t concentrate and I’m going around in an autopilot daze. I feel empty and lost.

I want to cry and grieve for my Mum - but I feel like I can’t. Like I’m stuck in a cruel limbo where the images of her final suffering and her corpse haunt my waking moments.

I have a loving and supportive partner, sister, brother, and friend - but it doesn’t help. She’s gone and she’s been there for every day of my 54 year old life.

The brutal truth of her death is something that I can’t talk about with most people. I just listen to their well meaning words and remember my own difficulty on similar occasions in knowing what to say. I now know there are no’ right’ words. Or at least that I haven’t heard anything that has really gotten through to me.

Though I have support - I still feel alone.

Alone and tetherless.

[geoff]

Hello FridayChild, when you love a parent it doesn't matter how old they are because they have a special spot in your heart and it will always be there, with loving the good times as well as when you may have needed through difficult circumstances, where no one else would support you, except for them, that remains a solid memory you'll never forget.

I give you my deepest condolences and understand what you are struggling with, that you hold close to your heart and know in the obituaries in the paper, the notice from the funeral parlour say 'they died in peace' but I often wonder because they weren't there and if by chance you had known the person, you know it was a difficult ending.

I have experienced palliative care with an elderly friend I was close to and understand what you have said, but the person you love like your mother is not easy to ever cope with, in any circumstance.

You will have a strength in you that's totally different to the rest of your family, they will have their own memories that may not coincide with yours, but I hope that your own thoughts will begin to dominate over these terrible thoughts because, in many days to come, you will compare how your mum would achieve something in a loving way and hope these can fade away what you have seen.

My thoughts are with you.

Geoff.

[blondguy]

Hello FridaysChild

Im sorry for the loss of your wonderful mum...there are no words that can really describe your loss...

The pain you are experiencing is awful. Our door is always open if you wish to talk.....You are always welcome and never alone

my heartfelt condolences and peace

Paul

[FridaysChild]

Thank you, Paul

[FridaysChild]

Thank you, Geoff!

[FridaysChild]

It's now 4 days later and I still can't cry... I want to, but it's not happening. I really really want to... but tears won't come. 😞

[Sophie_M]

Hi FridaysChild, 

We are so sorry to hear about the loss of your Mum. Grief is a complex and difficult challenge and there is no set way that we deal with. Everyone is on a unique journey with their feelings and there is no pressure to cry until you are ready. Thank you for being brave and for reaching out to talk about how you are feeling, this must have taken a lot of courage. You never know if someone else will see you post and feel less alone in their own experience. 

If you ever want to talk to someone, you can call us on 1300 22 4636. Our wonderful team can be there for you in the moment as well as help you find other community support if you want it. 

We have some information on Grief and Loss which may be helpful for you too. 

Thank you again for being a part of this community, we are here for you if you need us. Please feel free to drop back in and update us on how you are going if you feel comfortable. 

Kind regards, 
Sophie M

[FridaysChild]

Thank you so much, Sophie_M

[blondguy]

Hello FridaysChild

please be 'gentle' to yourself....grieving is a long and difficult time

crying takes time after the loss you have experienced.....

peacefully yours

Paul

[FridaysChild]

Thank you, Paul - I'm feeling far more 'normal' after reading these responses.