Lost my Dad and Motivation

[Dee61]

Last June I lost my Dad in England to natural causes, and I knew that he was ready to be with mum. I've 'apparently' been coping well since - except that I haven't been really and now it has caught up with me.

It has been the physical loss of Dad that I've found so hard to cope with. He is not on the end of my mobile phone - we used to speak to each other every day or two. He encouraged me to start my PhD two years ago and, although he never sent many texts he sent this one at the start:

Yes I know your going to be working hard iwill be right along side of you all the way and dont worry about me i will be ok we are going to get through this together by for now love lots [smiling boy emoji].

After his death, I've found it incredibly difficult to keep working on my PhD. His text stopped being an encouragement - I feel abandoned. I'm still chipping away at it, but 'not achieving' my usual amount is (to me) failure. I kind of feel lost, but want to persevere. Time allocated to the PhD means that, even if I don't work on that, I'm 'not allowed' to use the time for anything else. Nothing is getting done. I'm now not sleeping properly, staying at home, not catching up with friends, and not touching base with my Supervisors. I can't even face going to work.

I just wish that I could get back to my normal self and 'function'. The myriad of thoughts that constantly whirl around in my head gives me a headache and I am so tired of thinking and not getting anywhere with anything. I miss Dad so much - I know what he would say, and what I should do; I just can't seem to do it.

I just need to know that I will get through this (even though I'm not sure how at the moment).

[Guest_4643]

Hi Dee61, welcome. Are you in Australia?

I'm very sorry for your loss. Congrats on your PhD however.

There's no time limit on grieving, I understand how difficult it is.

You're not alone, we're here for you.

[di_yo]

Hi Dee61,

Firstly, I'm very sorry for the loss of your Dad, he sounds like a loving man who provided you with great support.
I also lost my dad last September so I feel like I can relate somewhat to how you're feeling (although we do all grieve in a different way too).

I'm sure you've heard it so many times, as have I, but I think you have to give yourself time. No part of losing your father will get any easier (and nor should it, he's your dad, how can it ever be easy?), you just learn of ways to cope and deal with your thoughts as time goes by.

I'm not sure how your PhD works, but could you apply for special consideration of some sort? Or just some time off? Even if it's a short period of time, just to look after yourself. I was undertaking uni when my dad's passing happened and I thought I could just keep going to keep my mind off things, but looking back I'm glad I applied for special consideration (and my particular lecturers were extremely understanding about it), because it gave me time to just sort my own brain out. I would highly recommend talking to your supervisors/coordinators and explaining your situation, and hopefully they will be understanding too.

As of life going back to normal, I don't know if it will ever go back to what normal once was, death affects us all in different ways, but you will get through this 🙂

[Matchy69]

Hi Dee61 I to welcome you to the forums.I to know what it like to lose a father.I lost mine at the age of 20 and that was well over 30 years ago.The lost at the time really effected me and I went into deep depression.I locked my self in my room and shut myself out from the world.It took time and I adventurally came out of my room started to have some sort of life while missing this important person in my life.It takes the and it different for everyone as Nd still I find crying and missing him as something I have seen or done has made me cry but this is normal and this is normal and no shame in this.Remember the father the way you want to and have acfy sgdn you want to no shame in it.
Take care,
Mark.

[geoff]

Hello Dee, a warm welcome to the forums and know how you are feeling because I try with both my sons to be there with them in every possible way I can be, encouraging them to have the strength and the confidence to do whatever they decide to do with or without any help from me, eventually they will be needing this themselves to be able to support their own children, and this is a situation that keeps on reoccurring throughout life.

One day they will look back in time and mention 'dad would be happy with what I've accomplished' that's when you need to hold up your head up high with confidence in what you have struggled with, but able to achieve what dad has taught me in whatever way you want to look at it.

I understand trying to overcome the loss of a parent seems to take away the support you have always relied on, but along the way, he's been trying to teach you to be able to make decisions with confidence by yourself but he was always there for support if any problems happened, now unfortunately it's up to you to finish your PhD, that's what your dad would want.

I know it may not be easy to get yourself stimulated, so take your time, that's what dad would say, and that's what I hope my sons will think.

We are here to give you every amount of support you need.

My best.

Geoff.