Never done this before

[Moonstruck]

Good morning all,

My loving partner died 3 weeks ago and I've been different each day....managing to do all the essentials but at times in a confused "lost" sort of way that I hide well. I conduct conversations with others, some who know, some who don't very easily...chatting and laughing and carrying out the essentials of daily life, paying bills, making appointments, car services, new appliances etc....as if nothing had happened.

Most mornings though I want to lie in bed for the whole day,never seeing or speaking to anyone. Driving in the car when a piece of music plays that reminds me of "us" the tears come. I attended a small group meeting of member of a club I belong to (of course it's all been shut down and in limbo since Corona, so nothing happened to distract me from the loss)....just needed to see familiar faces. Strangely enough conversation seemed to shut down and become a bit stilted when I arrived..no one mentioned my loss at all. I was longing for a hug, so I could give way to my pent up emotions, but there were none.

No touch,no comfort offered....nothing! Why was this? These are great people and I know they care and like me..........but they didn't offer any words of comfort. Perhaps I was wrong about them being my friends, perhaps they couldn't give a stuff about me after all...what an idiot I am!

The loss is not just"him"...a person. It's the other things that have also gone. No one knows me, "gets"me, or thinks I am as beautiful as he did. No one will tell me how lovely I look (even when I don't ) any more. No one calls me "darling". No one has my crazy at times black, sense of humour. I don't know anyone else who laughs at the same things we did. It's all those things that have gone too. No one comes in the door and immediately enfolds me in a hug.

Why didn't my friends comfort me?

[White_Rose]

Dear Moon

I am so sorry for your loss. You must feel devastated. Grief is hard to manage and so often others do not know what to say. They are afraid of upsetting you or saying the wrong thing. Please accept they care about you but don't know how to show it. We are not supposed to hug atm due to corona which may also have a bearing on the matter. When you next see them can you talk about your loss a little. Once people see it's OK to talk about someone's loss they get more comfortable.

Having a crazy sense of humour may be useful at times to help you. Please remember that grief comes and goes in waves often when we least expect it. A friend of mine lost her brother, her last relative, and I was amazed at how well she coped. Well that was only until after the funeral and settling the estate etc. Six months later she fell apart big time. There was nothing for her to do to take her mind off her loss.

Keeping yourself busy is good to some extent. Make sure you leave time to grieve. Not something you want to do I expect because it's so painful. Let the tears come, sit down and let the emotion wash over you. Painful yes, but the best way to heal. My mom died 20 years ago and I still miss her. Not with the gut wrenching pain I had when she passed away but still someone to mourn.

You know you can post here at any time about anything.

Mary

[Quercus]

Hi Moon,

How I wish it was possible to hug you through the screen and offer you comfort.

I started to cry reading your words and the description of what you miss so badly. Saying I'm sorry for the loss of your partner doesn't feel nearly personal enough.

It must have been painful to write but I'm also thankful you feel safe enough to write to us here.

The reaction from your friends puzzles me too. I don't know why they didn't try comfort you somehow. Perhaps the constant reminders of social distancing made them feel unable to reach out. Our friend passed away not long ago and there was no funeral or contact so we didn't know how to help his partner. It's not surprising you feel so disappointed and hurt though. Do you think it would help if you mentioned to your friends what sorts of things are helping you cope?

If it helps you to write please post. I'm not online as much as I'd like but I'll check in when I can. I know sometimes it can feel like a post gets lost in a sea of others but there are many people here who care for you and want to listen.

I like to talk about the people I miss even though it hurts simply to remember what I loved so much about them. Grief is different for everyone I guess. Do you want to talk about your partner?

I care very much Moon and offer whatever comfort I can.

Love Nat

[Tangney]

Hi Moonstruck. I'm glad I found you here. I really feel for you. You are going through something that would be really awful at any time, but especially in this crazy covid era, with only 10 allowed at a funeral and not being able to go to your club as usual. I can imagine how let down you felt when you finally went to your club and saw friends only to find them aloof and what seems to be pretty insensitive. Who knows what goes through people's minds? Maybe they just didn't know what to say, especially when so many are focused on social distancing etc. Maybe they didn't think you were coming. I read some of the posts between you and Croix earlier. You seem to have a really good rapport with Croix. I hope you're ok and that you keep posting. Take care. I am thinking of you.

[Moonstruck]

Hello Tangney.....I'm glad we are still allowed to "meet" here as it's clear it's the only place we can support each other. thank you for getting in touch.....Moon s x

[Moonstruck]

Thank you Quercus, White Rose.....yes Quercus I want to talk about him but when I begin I start to cry....so I don't. One of the reasons I went to my social group was a hope that I could have the chance to let out my emotions among people I felt safe with, in an environment that felt like "home" and give me some physical, at least, relief at getting some of it"out" but there was no opening there.......they chatted to me about the weather, CoVid annoyances.....in fact didn't chat much at all to me....as I said, things seemed to go quiet.

I had cried in the car on the way there, and I cried in the car on the way home...but I had no chance to while there among friends....I sensed it would have made them extremely uncomfortable...in fact my mere presence seemed to cast a gloomy feel over their conversations and chatter...may as well just stay home in my room and grieve alone.

[Quercus]

Hi Moon,

I'm sorry you felt so uncomfortable with your friends. It all sounds very hurtful even if they didn't intend to be.

Would it help to write about him here perhaps? Or maybe Croix's happy memories thread. I remember you saying you had trouble finding happy memories but it sounds as though you had many with your partner.

I feel you about crying. At work this morning I just started randomly crying while vaccuming. Thank goodness I was alone. But that's part of grief I think. Sometimes it just hits you for no reason you can see. I figure at least I'm also remembering the good along with missing them.

You're not alone today. Even if it isn't the same over the internet we do care.

❤Nat

[Tangney]

Yes, I know what you mean. It's nice to be able to express oneself somewhere. I hope you're ok today. Take care.

[Moonstruck]

a lot has happened in just a few days. I crashed part of my car to pieces. Thank God no person or other car involved..just me. Have to wait now until smash repair man can fit me in to fix up. Damage is severe but all external.

Scared to drive it as looks so terrible and I keep seeing the event and the terrifying sensation of not being in control of the car.

Can't help wondering if somehow connected to my recent loss and my grief. I never lose control of my car. Feeling really low and confused.

[Quercus]

Far out. I wish I'd seen your post before now. Lucky you weren't hurt physically. I hope repair or replacement won't be too financially stressful either.

It doesn't surprise me unfortunately. When we're hurting it is easy to just get lost in thought.

It's been a few days since you posted Moon, how are you coping?