So upsetting...

[Albert_247]

My life has been pretty rough, I mean I was bullied all during high school from 13 to 18, I didn't like my father's difference entirely, my diagnosis mis conception happened at 19 and I've been kept on meds for the last 9 years. I'm beneath this image of having a disability when I don't agree with my diagnosis, It's too unique and unbelievable to explain to anyone so I'm treated as indenyl or lacking insight. The health issues were 22 & 25, Then I had no driving independence till 26 because I didn't have any parents to learn with, plus hated all my driving teachers. I only could drive through having Centrelink, I never could advance my life without having any sense for which suitable jobs I would want to work, I never had vacancies with so much immigration and competition with society and with fresh high school kids wanting jobs too. I never wanted to be a apprentice or go to University, even with a interest in Nutrition I'm just not the study personality. I only had help to write the resume & cover letters after going through useless job recruiters but they are not much guarantee to get anyone payed employment. I never had a new group of mateship after leaving high school and I've had no experience with girls as friends or even socially or on a intimate level. I'm complete incel unfortunately with me, but I wouldn't feel like un able to speak to them, unless their really attractive. I had a dream to become a hobbyist musician, though I just had all that with high school, my dad and my mental health drama to deal with, while not having women, work, and a regular life it all ruined my confidence to do it since 14. Don't feel like my parents are on that journey or understanding to chase dreams, they played life more passive and safe and their a whole different personality to me. Now I feel like I'm failing at life or like a ugly man child and everything always felt out of my control, or that thing's couldn't be better given the circumstance.

[Albert_247]

Actually I sort of rambled on the last paragraph, I was just mainly saying how the world changed and that also effects my confidence with people. I know not everyone's that way maybe I am wrong for thinking like that.

[smallwolf]

I hope you don't mind me reply to your (longish) post with a simple question...

You said "It was just not knowing how to edit my music with software or create instrumentals". 

Are you able to do that now? Or what if you were able to edit your music and use software?

I raise this for a couple of reasons. First one is that I come from a software background, and also know there are plenty of videos on this topic on YouTube. Secondly, I was talking with my psychiatrist a while ago and came to the conclusion that I needed to get excited by something and making my own pasta was what we decided on. Later that week, I bought a pasta making machine and worked out how to make pasta from scratch.

From personal experience, when you put something into the public sphere, whether that is Facebook or Instagram it can be really nerve-wracking. Trust me. (What will people think who see this?) But after a long while it get easier. We can also be our own worst critic.

[smallwolf]

I'm truly sorry to hear about the challenges you've faced, and I appreciate your openness in sharing your experiences. It's evident that you've been through a lot, and it's completely okay to feel the weight of those struggles. Your journey has been unique, and your feelings are valid. For a long time (and still sometimes) I felt that I had failed for not getting into Uni after highschool.

It's important to remember that life's journey is different for everyone, and your path is yours alone. You've shown courage in pursuing your interests, even in the face of obstacles. It's completely okay to have moments of self-doubt, but please know that your worth extends beyond these challenges.

If you ever need someone to talk to or simply share your thoughts, I'm here for you. Take small steps, and remember that you're not alone. Listening ...

[Albert_247]

Thanks so much smallwolf for your response, my biggest issue it's not only how hard it is to get jobs and with so much immigration and fresh high schooling students it's even harder, but with now needing everything from experience, cover letters, and ideally education to even get a entry dead end job. Just never knew which jobs I wanted for myself unless I try to work at woolworths or maybe a generic retail job, I just wasn't the academic type to achieve University and I wasn't that type of masculinity to be a tradesmen. I always had dreams but I know my type of self is sensitive, gentle, and easily introverted and repressed. I often feel too innocent for half the activities of this world. I just sort of got consumed by my past troubles too, Just became in that victim mentality but I just can't change my confidence, psychologists believe were inherited with what were born with.

[smallwolf]

A little about me ...

I have a Masters in Comp Sci, but it was my work that brought depression, anxiety to the fore. Each morning when I started work, my heart would start racing. My psychologist and family said I should stop doing that job.  Parents suggested I work at Coles or similar. Outside of stupidity, the reason I struggled with that was loyalty as I was considered too important. (Blackmail if you will, but ...)

Whether it is Coles or some other retail job, doing that while you work out what you really want to do it is fine. If not Coles, then perhaps a butcher shop or fruit shop. Or perhaps a gardener or cleaner? You don't need to have all the answers right away.  

Lastly, and from my own experience, it can be hard to work out what to do you when feeling down or low. So please be a little kind to yourself in this regard.

[Albert_247]

I think at the moment I'm just going to focus more on my guitar practice and trying to write rap poems here and again. I agree with your psychiatrist you have to feel excited as often as you can in life. I agree that a true musician would rather feel the burden of their own criticism, even if dealing with others judgement is hard. It would be annoying to believe in your creativity and not having the same acceptance, but often some get laughed at, until they become a trend or something bigger. I forgot to tell myself that we have YouTube to learn almost anything these days, So I can always look into the editing and tutorials if I get more serious.

[Albert_247]

Thanks small wolf, I'm thinking of just starting with some entry retail jobs for a few hours a week to get used to working, While claiming my DSP, I want to have a improved resume, Hoping the exposure to society will develop my social confidence, I am a highly sensitive, especially since I've had my health issues and high school suffering. I also don't mind the idea of a fruit shop. I'm sort of interested in both Musician and Dietician pathways, but I tell myself even if things are more mediocre and even if I'm just working mundane jobs, Got to remember life's awesome still. 

[Albert_247]

This may be generalizing, but people are often secular, rude, superficial, shallow, vain, judgmental, they look beneath stigma even when their not perfect themselves.

I myself can't relate with society because I believe most things are possible with enough interest/passion and devotion. I don't like society because I am religious/spiritual, humble, generous and I don't give nasty opinions like many others do.

I feel many quit on their dreams because society diminishes confidence and they talk down your goals.

I am sick of being controversial for my religious beliefs, I can believe anything I want, and I don't need the next person telling me wither I'm allowed to be, do or think anything.

[Albert_247]

1) I have spirituality that isn't believed or understood by the majority or the average person. I have feelings and other consciousness from others channeling through me, it's rather mediumistic but I have no privacy because of it

2) Having no money or low income, Otherwise the conformity to earn crap wages through corporate meek work, Having no superficial opportunities either to get jobs

3) Living sexless still after 30!

3) Society's too degenerate and divided, and causing me low emotional, social, mental confidence

4) Generational differences with politics and atheism

5) Involuntary pharmaceuticals because they disagree that my said spirituality is Schizophrenia when I can differentiate the difference and they haven't experienced it for themselves and also now having to accept having diabetes

6) Love is superficial besides family

7) Having no purpose, meaning, or existence, no success, ambition, aspirations

😎 Potentially limited free time if I was even working

[smallwolf]

Hi there was a time when I was on (stress) leave from work.  Even when I did return, I was on reduced hours. Perhaps a confidence thing like yourself or otherwise to to make sure that I did not get overwhelmed with everything. Start small. And when you get comfortable with that ... You know your limits. Stay safe.