Rocks and Islands

[Girl_Anachronism]

"...Don't talk of love./ But I've heard those words before; / It's sleeping in my memory./ I won' t disturb the slumber of feelings that have died./ If I never loved I never would have cried./ I'm a rock. I'm an island..."

You know normally I have new theme or problem when I post a new thread. I don't really have one for this, just the old one was getting too long and I felt the need to post. I felt the need to contact with someone. 

I just came back from second session with my new psych. We are working challenging thoughts. It makes sense but it will take time. I knew that from the beginning, just this week has been so wretched that everything seems a monumental task. I made muffins yesterday. I sang and danced in the kitchen to the tunes of Sweeney Todd. My friend who was also having a hard night is going to come over today. We were meant to make muffins but I don't know if we'll have time now.

On the way home from the psych I felt so bad I was just silently crying slowly as I was driving. It's a skill. I stopped off on the shops, sunglasses on and all in order to spend my last twenty for the week on skittles and childrens stickers. The shinier the better. In my hospital admission, a friend of mine in there (fellow patient) held a slumber party of sorts and we had colouring in books, pizza and I decorated my various gadgets with bright glittery puffy stickers.  I bought these to finish the job ad decorate the cbt file my psych gave me. I bought them because I thought it would make me happy, or least give me something to do. It makes me kind of sad though it reminds me of the hospital and how safe I felt. How I had hope when i lefft for all of two days before I crashed. 

I am unlikely to be able to see my psychiatrist to change meds this week. She is just too busy. I could see a doctor on duty but they don't know my entire history. It's too much effort for someone new. I did hear via psychologist though that I can stop taking the antidepressants that have been giving me migraines. I have been weaning off for this past week. It would have been nice to hear from her in person, or get on something different but I guess that will just have to wait two weeks. 

I'm not that important. I am just going to take my stickers, decorate my books and then go to bed. Seems thats all that is left.

"And a rock feels no pain; An island never cries."

GA

[Girl_Anachronism]

Hi Mares,

I never did write those dreams down. I felt terrible about it, but I sat there staring at the blank page, pen in hand and just couldn't. I spent a good deal of my recent psych session in tears. Not the silent kind that roll down your cheek. The big, heavy sob kind. We are slowing down the work we are doing on cognitive stuff because I am struggling to complete the smallest task. Staying still may not be as good as going forward, but at least better then going backwards, right?

My psych actually gave me the first chapter to read of that book -  the Happiness Trap, and I think will get myself a copy. I am not able to complete exercises right now but maybe in time. Right now is just really tough. REALLY tough. I was an anxious mess leaving my appointment, got home and realised I hadn't picked up my weeks supply of meds and had to go back. My OT got back to me on the phone and told me where to go but I was a real mess Thursday.

I won't go into more detail about what we covered in the session because rules and it is really unnecessary. Just know that it was hard. The hardest its ever been. This weekend is going OK. I still feel fragile and I'm wearing one hell of a mask but I don't know what it'll be like come Monday, when The Husband isn't around.

I am still fighting, and I guess that's what matters.

GA

[geoff]

dear GA, I have been following this post so don't think I haven't.

I hope and wish that mmmmmmmmmmmm, this works out for you. L Geoff. x

[Guest_3712]

Hi GA,

thanks for responding I appreciate how hard it is for you and I know there are times when your own issues make it impossible to offer support but we know that you and all the other regulars are out there empathising and sending silent support.

your family sounds great by the way, a husband and two cats . love it ! And three  good friends is 3 more than a lot of people have, so that tells me what I already knew from your posts and that you are a special and caring person worthy of love and attention.

remember quality is much better than quantity . Only my opinion here GA but you ask why go forward, well I can think of two cats, a husband , three close friends and heaps of BB friends that are cheering you on , will pick you up when you fail and will celebrate all your victories with you no matter how small in this journey.

GA try and look for the positives in your life ( they are there) and do the things that make you happy. Walking, reading, music, maybe try going back to your volunteer work, but do it with a lighter heart, Don't see it as a 'must do' or as 'therapy' because when we think like that we remain 'sick'.

I hope this may make just a little sense

Please take care and

Be kind to yourself

Stressless

[Girl_Anachronism]

Hi Stressless,

You make sense, never fear that. I try look for postives but I guess it is like a percentage problem. When I am 50% or greater "OK" (read: not suicidally depressed in bed, and can see the light at the end of the tunnel) than I can see the positives and it seems easy to see it in a lighter way. When the percentages swinging the other direction though, like recent times and I am 10% or less OK, with 90% being pure Hell, it seems like the only way I can get myself to continue to exist is by doing my distractions. My distractions may be smaller increments of the things that are positives - gardening, friends, etc.

So I guess it feels like it depends on just how much I am driving my bus, how much I am listening to my passengers as to how I see these activities.

Quality really is so much better than quantity. Thank you for that. You know I got a message back from one sister, who let me go in a rather passive aggressive, snarky comments towards my decision and how much was her fault. Not the note I wanted to halt the relationship on. Maybe I deserve it though. Maybe it is my fault things have turned out as they have.

Family drama just keeps on kicking huh?

Mares - I forgot to mention in my reply to you, that as part of the teary session, I was able to express in words what the dreams were about. It was towards the end of the session so we are discussing it next week. It felt like such a relief to describe them in detail to just one person. It was hard and I cried harder than ever, but it was better. Once the words started, I couldn't stop them.

Irritation and anger seems high on my meter this weekend. So angry at the smallest things. I know this is the depression kicking me and I have been told I can't control my emotions, I can only control what I do about them. So I can be angry at my cats for knocking over my new chilli bush, but I can choose not to yell at them for it. It's not their fault. They don't know any better.

Just Ugh. Banging my head against a brick wall, that's what this feels like.

GA

[Bridge]

hi GA

totally impressed with your handling of The Great Sister Debacle.  I love the way you took control and did it on your terms, and that you told them why.

Fabulous.

total respect, man!

also, love the name 'Mayflower' for  a kitty

    

[Bridge]

oops I pressed the wrong button

say hello to your snow peas for me. I must put some in. yummmmm.

also, well done for getting  some of that dream stuff out, in words, pictures, screams it doesn't matter. just get it out.  well done and huge big hug. soo hard.

one more thing- I work for an organisation that relies on volunteers, (and in fact that is how I started there, post depression breakdown. Now I am the boss, oddly, and its been a long journey).  Many of us are recovering from some crap life has thrown at us, some curve ball we didn't see coming and has knocked us off our feet. 

a lot of people who are volunteering apologise for not being able to get to work sometimes as their 'curve  ball' gets in the way.  it is my opinion that any help is helpful- it might be daily, once a week, once a month, once a year or any combination of these, often with long pauses in between.  and that's fine.  we appreciate what people CAN do, not grizzle about what they cant.  Its unpaid work, it has to be beneficial for both parties, and nearly always, people in recovery need time off, sometimes unexpectedly, often for weeks or months, or even years. its ok.  so if you cant get to work, because of the 'curve ball', that's ok. your health is more important.  but if you can get to work, then that's great for the organisation your working for, and hopefully, for you as well.

I don't know whether your organisation sees it like this, but I hope they do.

Bridge

[Girl_Anachronism]

Hi Bridge,

Thank you for your reply.

My snow peas have yet to provide  but they are climbing happily up their new trellis. Mayflower is the one pictured in my profile picture at the moment. She is a beautiful creature.

I guess I just feel bad for the hassle of "yes I am coming in, no I can't make it." when it comes to volunteering. If I were in their position, I guess I'd prefer someone stayed a way until they could definitely come in when they say they would. So my hesitation is about how I'm not sure I can definitely do that and I don't want to waste their time. I don't know how much of that is me and biased views.

In a new chapter of The Great Sister Debacle, I made an impulse decision last night some books when the money was earmarked for a GP appointment this week. We don't have money to replace what I shouldn't have spent. So I am going in on Monday to see if I can get a refund. They were books I wanted to do with depression but it doesn't matter. The Husband says I shouldn't have bought them, so I am not even going to read them. I am just going to return them if I can. Whatever he wants.

As a result of that and the discussion last night with my husband, he contacted my sisters and asked them to repair the relationship now. I didn't know. I just woke up this morning to 'Here's a cup of tea, you are meeting Sister No 1  this morning. She wants to speak to you alone but I'll drive you there.' No question of did I want to meet with her, nor the fact that he sent a message to them last night. No, apparently it's all been decided for me.

I don't know what she is going to say. I suspect excuses, but I'll go. I don't have a choice. This after he said he agreed with my decision and everything I said to them.

I just don't know anymore.

GA

[Bridge]

hi GA

mayflower has the face shape of my Audrey, and the colouring of our Erica Newby (badly named, she never left the house). i love my cats.

i can see your point with volunteering, about being where youll say you will be, when you will be.  Its helpful if people can do this, but more often than not people cant.  or not all the time.  So we organise things so that if volunteers arrive its a bonus, as much as we can.

The Great Sister Debacle. Its getting bigger!

Its awful having people make decisions for you- makes you feel like a 12 yo. 

not to mention betrayed..

as i write this, you will have been delivered, met with her, talked (or listened, ( or stared into middle space shouting your times tables very loudly in you head)) to her. nothing i write here will change what actually happened. or didnt.

i can only hope that it wasnt as bad as it might have been, and that maybe something good has come out of it.  I really hope this is the outcome, but im not overwhelmed by a sensation that this will be the case. hope im wrong.

BIG HUG!

SECOND BIG HUG!

here is a lovely warm steaming mug of miso soup with fresh chives floating in the top for you.  drink it all- it will make you feel a little bit better.

at risk of having you throw the steaming mug of miso at me, could you give this second one (that i prepared earlier) to your husband.  My experience has been that the only thing worse than sorting through all the stuff you are, and feeling the way you are, is watching someone you truly love do it, and feeling powerless to help.

s*#t, eh!

Bridge

[Girl_Anachronism]

Hi Bridge,

It happened and I don't know how to process it at the moment. I don't know what to post on here about it, as it is all so very personal. So I won't post about it now, maybe ever.

Know that it happened, things went down. I am now confused and just want to run away from it. I want to leave my marriage. I want to leave my family behind and go somewhere people don't know me. Somewhere there were no people at all.

I don't know guys. I just don't know. It seems too much to do anything more than curling up under my blanket and hoping for sleep without dreams that doesn't end.

GA

[geoff]

dear GA, I'm so sorry about this, but it was something that I thought may happen, that's why I replied earlier with 'mmmmmmmmmmmmm'.

Forget about even trying with the rest, because if I was you I wouldn't even take the trouble in doing so, if they wanted to make amends, it would have already been done by now.

I'm can't say how disappointed I am for you. L Geoff. x