Rocks and Islands

[Girl_Anachronism]

"...Don't talk of love./ But I've heard those words before; / It's sleeping in my memory./ I won' t disturb the slumber of feelings that have died./ If I never loved I never would have cried./ I'm a rock. I'm an island..."

You know normally I have new theme or problem when I post a new thread. I don't really have one for this, just the old one was getting too long and I felt the need to post. I felt the need to contact with someone. 

I just came back from second session with my new psych. We are working challenging thoughts. It makes sense but it will take time. I knew that from the beginning, just this week has been so wretched that everything seems a monumental task. I made muffins yesterday. I sang and danced in the kitchen to the tunes of Sweeney Todd. My friend who was also having a hard night is going to come over today. We were meant to make muffins but I don't know if we'll have time now.

On the way home from the psych I felt so bad I was just silently crying slowly as I was driving. It's a skill. I stopped off on the shops, sunglasses on and all in order to spend my last twenty for the week on skittles and childrens stickers. The shinier the better. In my hospital admission, a friend of mine in there (fellow patient) held a slumber party of sorts and we had colouring in books, pizza and I decorated my various gadgets with bright glittery puffy stickers.  I bought these to finish the job ad decorate the cbt file my psych gave me. I bought them because I thought it would make me happy, or least give me something to do. It makes me kind of sad though it reminds me of the hospital and how safe I felt. How I had hope when i lefft for all of two days before I crashed. 

I am unlikely to be able to see my psychiatrist to change meds this week. She is just too busy. I could see a doctor on duty but they don't know my entire history. It's too much effort for someone new. I did hear via psychologist though that I can stop taking the antidepressants that have been giving me migraines. I have been weaning off for this past week. It would have been nice to hear from her in person, or get on something different but I guess that will just have to wait two weeks. 

I'm not that important. I am just going to take my stickers, decorate my books and then go to bed. Seems thats all that is left.

"And a rock feels no pain; An island never cries."

GA

[Bridge]

bugger.

i was just clinging to this tiny tiny hope that this wouldnt happen.

im so sorry.

hop under the blanket. do you have a hot water bottle or wheat bag?  cuddle cat, unless you are beyond moving your arms, in which case,notice where they are and will them to be near you.  (please cats, go and sit on GA for a bit, and purr. a lot.)

i guess your a bit beyond hugs at the moment, but theres some here if you need them.

Bridge

[Girl_Anachronism]

Hi all, 

It ended up going south but I survived with medical intervention. So now I am back at  hospital and thinking of seriously leaving The Husband for at least a separation. 

Also back on the tablet so expect short and more spelling ridden posts than before. 

GA

[geoff]

dear GA, the medical intervention maybe a god send for you, not that we want you back in hospital, but it's been a very tough time for you, plus it has made you decide to have a separation from your husband.

The concern is where are you going to house yourself, maybe at your own home and he moves out. 

Take care. L Geoff. x

[Girl_Anachronism]

One of my best friends who I have known for almost as long as my husband has offered me a place to stay for as long as I need it. She doesn, t care that I don't have a cent to my name at the moment and dont know when i'll be working again. She said she wants me to be alive and her friend so I shouldn't worry about that either. I said I'll try but I may do extra cleaning round the house to make up for it. 

I feel safer with her than I do with The Husband. That statement says alot about our relationship doesn't it?

GA

[Jo3]

Hi GA,

I just want to say to you that I am thinking of you. It's so nice to know that you have some special friends that care and you know we all care about you as well.

Maybe having some time apart from your husband is a good thing, I don't know. Sending you my thoughts, and hugs

Take care

 Jo xxx

[Bridge]

hey GA

glad your still with us. ive been worried.

I have here a steaming hot chocolate drink for you.  its in a thick cup so you can warm your hands on it while you drink it.

big hug.

bridge

[geoff]

dear GA, that's great, but take things easy, have a few days rest first, and then only if you are well enough then you can help out. L Geoff. x

[Neil_1]

Hi GA

That does sound like a great option that you’ve been able to take on – what a wonderful person your friend is.  This sounds a really awesome opportunity for you to rest, relax and just take things along nice and slowly – at your own pace.

Neil

[Guest_3712]

Dear GA,

ditto everything all your other friends have said. let your friend help you out. special friends like this are very rare to find and keep.

she obviously knows what we do- you're a special lady

Take care and

Be kind to yourself

Stressless

[Girl_Anachronism]

Hi guys,

Thankyou for all the messages of support. My gut says this is the right thing to do. 

I had the Discussion with him last night and it didnt go as intended. I won't go into detail for moderations purposes, but be assured that the tough love response he showed me last time was not an act. It was what he really thought. When I suggested a trial separation, he said it was all or nothing. I was either growing a spine and learning love life with him or getting a divorce. He looked genuinely surprised when I chose divorce. 

Its as if I see clearly now, how he has been treating me a s a child and not supporting me through this illness. Yes it is hard, but he has crossed lines in dealing with my family and myself that can't be uncrossed. Even now, the way he is wording the separation to our mutual friends is as if I were a petulant child who was going to come crawling back to him when I realise the mistake I have made. I thought girls were meant to be the passive aggressive ones?

So I guess I am Miss GA now. First time it has been me breaking off a relationship, and though my stomach is full of butterflies and my head full of fear of failing, I feel this is the right action to take. 

GA