Rocks and Islands

[Girl_Anachronism]

"...Don't talk of love./ But I've heard those words before; / It's sleeping in my memory./ I won' t disturb the slumber of feelings that have died./ If I never loved I never would have cried./ I'm a rock. I'm an island..."

You know normally I have new theme or problem when I post a new thread. I don't really have one for this, just the old one was getting too long and I felt the need to post. I felt the need to contact with someone. 

I just came back from second session with my new psych. We are working challenging thoughts. It makes sense but it will take time. I knew that from the beginning, just this week has been so wretched that everything seems a monumental task. I made muffins yesterday. I sang and danced in the kitchen to the tunes of Sweeney Todd. My friend who was also having a hard night is going to come over today. We were meant to make muffins but I don't know if we'll have time now.

On the way home from the psych I felt so bad I was just silently crying slowly as I was driving. It's a skill. I stopped off on the shops, sunglasses on and all in order to spend my last twenty for the week on skittles and childrens stickers. The shinier the better. In my hospital admission, a friend of mine in there (fellow patient) held a slumber party of sorts and we had colouring in books, pizza and I decorated my various gadgets with bright glittery puffy stickers.  I bought these to finish the job ad decorate the cbt file my psych gave me. I bought them because I thought it would make me happy, or least give me something to do. It makes me kind of sad though it reminds me of the hospital and how safe I felt. How I had hope when i lefft for all of two days before I crashed. 

I am unlikely to be able to see my psychiatrist to change meds this week. She is just too busy. I could see a doctor on duty but they don't know my entire history. It's too much effort for someone new. I did hear via psychologist though that I can stop taking the antidepressants that have been giving me migraines. I have been weaning off for this past week. It would have been nice to hear from her in person, or get on something different but I guess that will just have to wait two weeks. 

I'm not that important. I am just going to take my stickers, decorate my books and then go to bed. Seems thats all that is left.

"And a rock feels no pain; An island never cries."

GA

[Girl_Anachronism]

Hi again,

Battle lines have been drawn. I received a message asking for all kinds of money from the ex, probably because I defriended him and he is realising I am now out of his control. Then, to kick me further, I received a call from my father overseas. Why did he have to call tonight? Why now?

So mood is low but I am surrounded by friends and have my cats for extra company. sometimes it just feels that life has to be so damned hard. What did I do to deserve this?

Thankyou so much for your kind words. I can't beleive them right now, but I I am going to save them and print them out for darker shores. 

GA

[geoff]

dear GA, why do you owe him money, let all of this be settled when everything else is done to finalise the marriage.

Due you have a solicitor handling the settlement and if so tell him to contact him/her.

The sooner it's all done the better for you, and please take care. L Geoff. x

[Girl_Anachronism]

Hi geoff, 

I owe him money for a parking ticket incurred on the day of my attempt and half the rent at the old house as my name is on the lease. I have a few weeks to pay him for those, particularly given that he is looking for a new house and planning to break lease so it might be less than til the end of the actual lease. I hope he realises that it cuts both ways that if I owe him half the rent, I also am owed half the bond if we get it back. 

I do have to get onto centrelink today as well as changing the phone account over to my bank.

Mental health wise, anxiety has been replaced with depression and crying fits the past day or so. So a beast of a different name but one I know well. Still not travelling well and the phone call from my father freaked me out last night. 

I just used to be a whole functioning person you know. it has been so long since I could call myself that, I don't remember what it was like most days.

GA

[Jo3]

Hey GA my friend

I am thinking of you at this particular difficult time for you.  I wish I was there for you, to give you a big big hug. So I am sending you a big cyber hug!!! 

I'm not sure what to say - just that I feel for you, wish there was more I could do for you,

Pls take care and be kind to yourself

Jo xxx

[Girl_Anachronism]

Hi Jo, 

You know it means alot that you would post on here, for me, with all you are going through right now.

I got centrelink organised yesterday and did the dishes which is for me a big day lately. I tried to organise the phone account, but the ex had to do it as it was my name but his account. So I no longer have phone access and am going to have to borrow money to get it back. I don't know how I'd stand up to a credit check with no job, no money from centrelink for a few weeks. Self esteem is pretty low today. 

On top of that I have to go back to the hospital to get discharged and get meds which I also don't have money for. I already owe them some money for previous meds. I also didn't sleep well and had my first seizure in a week at 4 am. So I am physically exhausted on top of all that. 

Today is just not good. I am not good. I have people with me and I will be safe but damned if today is not going to be hard. If it is possible I am both depressed and anxious today. Everything and nothing all at once. 

The amicability of the split is fading and turning nasty on his end, as he realises I am not going to go back to him. 

GA

[Guest_3712]

Hi GA,

I feel like such a fraud for complaining about my problems when I read what you are going through and you still take time to reply to others.

I don't know what to say to you except I am in awe of your strength and courage and I need your inspiring words .You are a survivor and you are better off without hubby even though it is a truly miserable time for you.

You seem to be checking off the tasks you need to do, so good on you for that. GA I truly believe in what goes around comes around. The good and the bad.

You are good so your time for good things is coming and the bad things that have been perpetrated against you will come back to bite those people.

Believe in yourself,  rely on those wonderful friends of yours and chat here when you need to. I wish there was more I could do for you.

Please be kind to yourself- you deserve it

Stressless

[Bridge]

well done GA

theyre all right- you are really awe inspiring.

keep going.

were all  right behind you

bridge

[Girl_Anachronism]

"Didn't I Give it All?/Tried my best/Gave you everything I had/Everything and no less?/Didn't I do it right?/Did I let you down?"

Take It All, Adele.

Hi Stressless and Bridge,

Thankyou so much for your kind words. Part of me can't beleive them right now, but they mean so much. 

I actually slept in today, which for an insomniac like me, staying up to 1:30, is a momentous occasion. We had pizza and wine last night. I don't drink too excess, so I didn't have too much, but I think I felt a pale shades of why people turn to alcoholism, in order to not feel the pain. 

Thats what today seems to be about, melancholy sadness, pain and tears. If only I could erase all the love I still feel for him. I don't want to go back to him and I'm not going to. But for all the hurt, pain and gut feeling that this is the right action, there is still a part of me that loves and cares for him. I am not sure if I am crying for him, for me or what we could have been if we were different people. 

Emotions are just too illogical for em to deal with right now. Why do we humans do this to each other, or ourselves?

GA

[Jo3]

Hey GA

Just like Bridge said in an earlier post - we are all right behind you, support you and will help you through your journey.

Take care my friend

Jo xx

[Girl_Anachronism]

"But go on and take it/ Take it all with you/ Don't look back/ At this crumbling fool..."

Take it All, Adele

Hi Jo,

It's just so hard you know. Why does life nave to be like this? Why does it have to be so hard?

People say itwill get better, I will get back to that good place and won't the depressed, anxious emotional wreck. I have seen people get back there, and I have seen people that don't ever get back to that placd, but become someone different. Not as bad, not a wreck, but someone different. I don't disagree that both those ohtcomes could happen. It just has been so long since I had any sort of emotional stability, I have forgotten what that feels like. 

Just ugh. Tonight is just ugh. Psych appointment tomorrow, and I am selling my wedding rings. Not only could I use the money, I don't want to own them anymore. I want them gone.

GA