Rocks and Islands

[Girl_Anachronism]

"...Don't talk of love./ But I've heard those words before; / It's sleeping in my memory./ I won' t disturb the slumber of feelings that have died./ If I never loved I never would have cried./ I'm a rock. I'm an island..."

You know normally I have new theme or problem when I post a new thread. I don't really have one for this, just the old one was getting too long and I felt the need to post. I felt the need to contact with someone. 

I just came back from second session with my new psych. We are working challenging thoughts. It makes sense but it will take time. I knew that from the beginning, just this week has been so wretched that everything seems a monumental task. I made muffins yesterday. I sang and danced in the kitchen to the tunes of Sweeney Todd. My friend who was also having a hard night is going to come over today. We were meant to make muffins but I don't know if we'll have time now.

On the way home from the psych I felt so bad I was just silently crying slowly as I was driving. It's a skill. I stopped off on the shops, sunglasses on and all in order to spend my last twenty for the week on skittles and childrens stickers. The shinier the better. In my hospital admission, a friend of mine in there (fellow patient) held a slumber party of sorts and we had colouring in books, pizza and I decorated my various gadgets with bright glittery puffy stickers.  I bought these to finish the job ad decorate the cbt file my psych gave me. I bought them because I thought it would make me happy, or least give me something to do. It makes me kind of sad though it reminds me of the hospital and how safe I felt. How I had hope when i lefft for all of two days before I crashed. 

I am unlikely to be able to see my psychiatrist to change meds this week. She is just too busy. I could see a doctor on duty but they don't know my entire history. It's too much effort for someone new. I did hear via psychologist though that I can stop taking the antidepressants that have been giving me migraines. I have been weaning off for this past week. It would have been nice to hear from her in person, or get on something different but I guess that will just have to wait two weeks. 

I'm not that important. I am just going to take my stickers, decorate my books and then go to bed. Seems thats all that is left.

"And a rock feels no pain; An island never cries."

GA

[Neil_1]

Hi GA

I love your little quotes.  I could quote an old friend of mine, Forrest Gump:  "Reading one of GA's posts, you just never know what you're gonna get".  🙂  🙂

So how have the migraines been of late?  Is the weaning off the meds changing things in the migraine department?  I sure hope so.

When you say, see your psyche to change meds - is that you going right off the meds you're currently on and then having like a washout period and commencing on some newbies?   I know that you're weaning off the ones that cause you migraines, but I just wonder if you're on a few different ones or just the one anti-depressant?

What kind of muffins did you make?   That's hardly fair telling us that you made muffins, without telling us exactly what yummyness you created - my tummy is eagerly awaiting news of what delights were baked.

Hey, on the subject of muffins, are you a big easter bun fan?  We had easter buns today at work - well, when I say we, that isn't the royal "wee" (whoops, sorry, couldn't help myself there!) it was a bunch of work colleagues tucking into easter buns, and I just watched - gotta keep the tummy within watermelon shape you know, don't want it getting out to be larger than that!  Damn I digress too much.  I wanted to ask, do you like the chocolate easter buns - our kids LOVE 'em.  And in fact, I don't mind the odd half of one once a year either.  🙂

Kind regards

Neil

[Girl_Anachronism]

Hi Neil,

This is day two of no antidepressants. I am only on the one antidepressant so this means at the moment the only other meds I have are my as needed sleeping pills. I don't have enough to get me through to the Psychiatrist appointment at the end of the month. Good times at the OK Corral, right?

Despite going to lowest dose possible, the migraines were still present and built up over the days of taking them. I am still getting migraines now, but hopefully that will clear up in a few days as I wash the last out of my system. As for new meds, we are going to discuss it at my psychiatrist appointment at the end of the month.

 On the subject of baked goods, I made banana mini muffins. I didn't get to make muffins with my friend, not enough time and I had just woken from a nap. I have strawberry mini muffins with pink and white butterfly candy to make over the weekend and some chocolate with rainbow drop ones. I don't mind Easter buns, but today instead of making hot cross buns, my husband is teaching me how to make hot pentacle buns from scratch. I seem to be replacing with going to bed and wallowing in depression with baking- good for mindset but not good for my waistline me thinks.

Seizures continue to happen regularly- three since I got home. They are truly the most exhausting thing I have ever experienced, particularly because mine last for an hour. All over muscle aches continue well into the next day. I know they will go with time, particularly as I find and work on triggers but it is wearing on the spirit to undergo such an ordeal.

GA

[Neil_1]

Hi GA

Did I also mention how I really enjoyed the subject heading of this thread you've created.  On a completely different subject, (well not really but ...) when my partner and I were first kind of you know, going out - during the day we'd email each other and I'd try to come up with a different kind of subject heading for different emails - but things like:  Cocktails on a deserted island;  or;  Sunset on a beach, and hmmm, no best leave it at that - this is a still a family show!  🙂

Can I just say that you've been damn awesome over the last day or so on this site - reaching out to others and using lots of your own experience and thoughts to help out others.  First class job GA - and thank you also for posting again on my own thread.  Each time someone does that, it really does mean so much - I guess the same as you feel as well.

Ok, so you've still got a week or so probably till your next psyche appointment - with the tablets that are not going to last through till then, is there some possible way that you can potentially cut them in half, to help make them spread out over that time.  I guess it depends totally on how the tablet is shaped, etc.  Just a thought to help tide you over a bit.

The baking process sounds awesome - and hey, if you're enjoying it or even if it's just a different kind of distraction, then absolutely continue going for it.  🙂  Thanx to for letting me know what you were creating - I can live vicariously through your bakings!  🙂

Kind regards

Neil

[Girl_Anachronism]

Hi Neil,

They aren't the kind with the little split down  the middle ( which can never seem to snap with human strength) but with a little luck that might work. A couple hours sleep is better than none. Time for a little human experimentation.

The Hot Pentacle Buns turned into Hot Cthulu Buns or Dragon Eggs towards the end. Piping Pentacles is harder than you'd think. Regardless of how they look, they taste so good. The house smells of deliciousness now too. They are so rich and dense that I've had two for lunch and I may skip dinner.

Thank you for your compliments but I am only doing what I can to help people. I felt more capable these past few days to do so and I thought I would capitilise on that while the going is good. You could say I was doing my best Neil impression.

GA

[Bridge]

hi there

may i butt in and just ask

what is a hot pentacle bun?

ive come across hot cross buns (one of my favorites) but nor pentacle ones. or dragons eggs!  (we only have the chook variety, maybe we should invest in some dragons as well- do they live happily with chooks? im guessing not.. I digress)

my partner and i are reading and salivating simultaneously

bridge

[Girl_Anachronism]

Hi Bridge,

I haven't seen them in stores- it's something my husband makes. basically instead of a cross on top of a Hot Cross Bun, you pipe a five pointed star (a sacred symbol in Wicca/Pagan religions).

It's a lot harder to do and I had never piped anything before plus the mix was a bit too runny. So some of them became blobs and when they came out of the oven, some looked like the dragons eggs from Game of Thrones in a golden colour. Others looked like octopi, so they became Hot Cthulu Buns.

All of which were delicious and made the house smell heavenly, regardless of what they looked like.

GA

[Neil_1]

Hi Bridge:   you asked may I butt in - of course you can - this site is for everyone to join in and contribute and chat to everyone - um, but (whoops, there's that word again) could I please ask that you come in, in a forwards motion and not reversing in (hence the term used "butt" in) !!   Sorry, couldn't help myself there. 

Bridge, you've also raised a very interesting point - where I'm soon to start a new thread - and it relates to your partner.  You said you were both reading something at the same time.  Was that on THIS site, or were you looking up GA's recipe of deliciousness for what she and her hubby were concocting in the kitchen??

To GA:  those baking events you've been doing do sound absolutely awesome.  And yes if you're able to, please keep writing about them.  It's really excellent to hear.   ALSO may I just say that to you, GA (and to hopefully many others reading out there) that I believe that any of us who come to this site are well and truly able to provide positive posts to others - you've done it so well and it's coming from deep within your soul and when that happens, the end result is a truly genuine and heartfelt response mixed with events of your own experience.  So yeah,

ps:  and you do it in a way that is so much more succinct that what another poster that I know "pretty well" could ever do !!!   😉  😉  😉

Kind regards

Neil

[Girl_Anachronism]

Hi Neil and Bridge,

No more baking today but instead we got some tubs for the tiny back yard we have and planted the start of a herb and veggie garden. I am happy to have my own capsicum tree and chilli bush. We plan to do more, next week when we have more money. I also did the weeding, so a bit of time with  pure sweat and exercise for me. Then I got confirmation four friends are definitely coming for a our card game tomorrow night.

So I guess that all goes in  Pro column and I should feel happy. I did at the time. Now the night has turned melancholy. The wind is not a clear refreshing breeze anymore, it's now a cold chill that bring back whispers of times past.

I tried to go without sleeping tablets last night, woke up in terror an 1 am. There was nothing there, but it was like I was frozen, down to the bone. If I didn't move, I didn't speak, if I didn't breathe then he wouldn't know. H wouldn't hurt us anymore. That is the thoughts I found my self with and upon waking questioned who ans when. When I don't know, but when I asked who, that half closed door in my head where all the nightmares lay blew open again, whispering.

Then my leg started shaking, and my arms. All that fear that comes before a seizure got mixed into the fear from the dream and my half awake state, I was trapped in this fugue state. Unable to move but able to feel so so scared. I found my self crying, cold tears down my cheek silently. The don't know voices from the the question of who and when turned into I don't want to know and the tears came.

Now I know my father is a monster. I know he did things to my sisters he never did to me ( tell that to my first boyfriends sheets the night we made whoopee). Dreams like this make me scared though. So he didn't go all the way. I am pretty sure after last night their are repressed memories there. I know I have many holes from childhood where memories should be. It's what those memories might contain that scares me.

I stayed up for half an hour, unable to sleep before I ended up giving in to sleeping meds and blank nothing, no tears no fears nothing,  until when I woke at ten this morning. I know I shouldn't have but it was that or not go to sleep. Again. Ever. If I run out of sleeping tablets, maybe that's what I will have to do.

So maybe this melancholy is my mood swings coming back into action now I am off meds. Maybe it's a dread of what tonight will bring. True fear, paralyzing fear like what I felt last night...I don't want to feel that again.

I asked life what more could go wrong, involuntary admission, seizures, stolen laptop and all. I guess this is its answer.

I could remember.

GA

[Girl_Anachronism]

"Though my soul may set in darkness, it will rise in perfect light;
I have loved the stars too fondly to be fearful of the night"
  The Old Astronomer, Sarah Williams

Hi All,

Another terrible night for sleep. My cats try keep me company and have taken to sleeping either side of my legs which is both adorable and sweet. All the same I work early this morning from another truly terrifying nightmare. This time it wasn't all darkness and emotion, unable to move. This terror had light and colour and people who are supposed to love me but don't seem to show it.

My husband says that it is a sign therapy is working, bringing forward repressed memories. Stirring up things in my head. I don't know.

All I know is I am afraid to sleep. To sleep, perchance to dream.  And such dreams: of terror and pain; Of love and it's bitter betrayal.

I don't have enough sleeping tablets to get through this. I think I may just have to get through without sleeping for the last few days. I don't want to feel that fear again. Definitely not every night.

So I guess I will leave this here, and bury myself in my new garden and a new batch of muffins. I am thinking the strawberry ones with the pink and white butterflies. In a side note, a good friend of mine who has seen the Lego movie says I am like Unikitty. Having seen a clip of her, but not whole movie, I can certainly see some resemblance.

If anyone is out there, is reading, please post back. Consider this an SOS. I need help. I need the hugs I never got as a child and the reassuring words in hushed tones, not screaming criticisms.

GA