Rocks and Islands

[Girl_Anachronism]

"...Don't talk of love./ But I've heard those words before; / It's sleeping in my memory./ I won' t disturb the slumber of feelings that have died./ If I never loved I never would have cried./ I'm a rock. I'm an island..."

You know normally I have new theme or problem when I post a new thread. I don't really have one for this, just the old one was getting too long and I felt the need to post. I felt the need to contact with someone. 

I just came back from second session with my new psych. We are working challenging thoughts. It makes sense but it will take time. I knew that from the beginning, just this week has been so wretched that everything seems a monumental task. I made muffins yesterday. I sang and danced in the kitchen to the tunes of Sweeney Todd. My friend who was also having a hard night is going to come over today. We were meant to make muffins but I don't know if we'll have time now.

On the way home from the psych I felt so bad I was just silently crying slowly as I was driving. It's a skill. I stopped off on the shops, sunglasses on and all in order to spend my last twenty for the week on skittles and childrens stickers. The shinier the better. In my hospital admission, a friend of mine in there (fellow patient) held a slumber party of sorts and we had colouring in books, pizza and I decorated my various gadgets with bright glittery puffy stickers.  I bought these to finish the job ad decorate the cbt file my psych gave me. I bought them because I thought it would make me happy, or least give me something to do. It makes me kind of sad though it reminds me of the hospital and how safe I felt. How I had hope when i lefft for all of two days before I crashed. 

I am unlikely to be able to see my psychiatrist to change meds this week. She is just too busy. I could see a doctor on duty but they don't know my entire history. It's too much effort for someone new. I did hear via psychologist though that I can stop taking the antidepressants that have been giving me migraines. I have been weaning off for this past week. It would have been nice to hear from her in person, or get on something different but I guess that will just have to wait two weeks. 

I'm not that important. I am just going to take my stickers, decorate my books and then go to bed. Seems thats all that is left.

"And a rock feels no pain; An island never cries."

GA

[Jo3]

Oh GA

I am sending you have HUGE huge. I am so much like you - not getting hugs when I was a child or never being told "I love you" by my parents.  I totally get it and I totally understand how it feels - so alone

GA, you are so brave, I am by your side.

hope you have a nice day with your husband and those strawberry muffins sound yum!!

Sending you positive vibes

Jo xxx

[Girl_Anachronism]

"l cannot run from my family/ They’re hiding inside me/ Corpses on ice/ Come in if you’d like but just don’t tell my family/ They’d never forgive me/ They’ll say that I’m crazy/ But they would say anything if it would shut me up..."
Runs In The Family, Amanda Palmer

Hi Jo,

Thank you for your kind words. It's an honour to think that with so much on your plate at the moment, you would still have enough to care about me. I have been strong most of today. I dove from distraction to distraction- gardening to cleaning to baking to cleaning to going for a walk. I have a card night tonight, so I will have plenty of distraction then too but in the meantime, I don't feel so strong.

I'll smile and give them a good show tonight. Who knows, I might even fool myself for a time. Inside though, all is a sea of anger, pain and death. I fight it every day. I don't know why, but I do. How must longer must I fight this? How much longer til it is enough?

Do you believe that cupcakes can be corrupted? I meant to make them happy and full of joy. But I spent too long staring at myself in the mirror and burnt them. The icing didn't turn out right so doesn't cover the burnt bits. Even some of the butterflies are broken. Instead of being filled with joy, they are made with anger fueled pain.

Is there anything left in the world but anger and pain?

I am going to lie down now, and maybe if I pretend hard enough to sleep I'll convince myself. Maybe I won't even dream. Maybe..

GA

[Neil_1]

To dear GA

Jo has chipped in with a beautiful post to you and I'm just letting you know that you're very much in my thoughts as well.  I have a special way of doing electronic hugs - you see this sign { well, that's my left arm;  and you see this sign }  well, that's my right arm.

So now you know what they are, here check this out:

{GA}

For you - it's a long distance one, but I hope you can feel the vibes.

Hey, GA, what kind of games are on the table with regard to your cards night?  I so hope you have a good time - and a quick question - when you were describing that awful experience from the other night - instead of you dealing with it solo, is it not possible to wake hubby and to get immediate support?  it's just a thought.

{GA} - another one for you.

Kind regards

Neil

[Girl_Anachronism]

" Chiquitita, tell me what's wrong
You're enchained by your own sorrow
In your eyes there is no hope for tomorrow"
Chiquitita, ABBA

Hi Neil,

Dammit now I'm crying.

I never did get to bed. Why? Because it would mean that I was admitting something was wrong, particularly after a discussion this morning with my husband about good sleep hygiene- avoiding naps going to bed at the same time, etc. Even at this late hour, I can't share how much this hurts with him. He just doesn't get it.

We are playing Cards Against Humanity. I would explain it but there is a filter on these things, so I am just going to say Google it. They have a website. It is very good for terrible people like me with a morbid sense of humour.

I can't wake him because he gets up much earlier than I and is already awake. I couldn't motivate  myself to get out of bed, or cry out. The first night I physically couldn't move, like in a seizure. It hurts too much to express to him. I told him that it's been happening but I haven't described the dreams. I couldn't share them out loud, even in an empty room. Particularly so early in the day, the terror is too fresh.

It just hurts so much to be right now. I will continue to exist, because people require it of me. Had I my way I would just fade and stop existing. I can't have my way though, it's too traumatic for those around me. So I sit and smile.

How long before the mask cracks?

GA

P.S: Given how dodgy my explanation sounded here's the best way I can describe Cards Against Humanity. You take a black card- a question or statement to fill in and place white cards with answers down. The person with the best answer wins. Thing is imagine the most  politically incorrect, insensitive, racist options you can imagine. Then times it by ten. That, my friends is Cards Against Humanity and while I support none of the views I put down on the table, it goes great with alcohol and a screw the world attitude.

When you win, you are torn between feeling proud for having won and ashamed... for having won.

[Neil_1]

GA - aren't emotions weird.

Geoff just had me smiling on another thread about his dog looking at me, wanting to help me dig.

I wrote to you on this thread and I put you in tears (for which I'm truly sorry by the way, I never intend to have that effect on anybody).

Then I'm writing this with another smile on my face for the way you've finished off your above post - your description of Cards Against Humanity sounds absolutely wickedly awesome.  I think I would enjoy having a lash at that.  Whoops, does that say something bad about me!!!?!??!?  Yes Neil, it does - best you stop talking now and leave before you continue to build another hole to put yourself in.

If the mask cracks, one must obtain a new one - a harder tougher one.  Why I hear you ask?  And that's a damn good question and I wish you hadn't asked it.

These night time issues for you GA are a massive concern - "tell me something I don't know Neil", replies GA.   I'm really at a loss for what to suggest apart from the possibility of raising it with your husband - but it seems that's been done without much positive result.  😞    Hmmmm, I need to think on this - I know I don't have to, but I've gotta help - somehow, I've gotta help.

Neil

[Girl_Anachronism]

Hi Neil,

It's not a problem that I cried, I probably needed it. Everyone on this site is so sweet and cares so much for other people. Even for little old me. It is just one of the remnants of my upbringing, that tears are a weakness. I know on some level they aren't and they how I generally respond - even when I am angry I tend to cry angry tears. Weird huh?

It just feels like I have been plastering over the cracks in the mask, by diving into distraction and telling people I can do this. While underneath is just this seething mass of chaos. Anger, pain, shame, guilt, self loathing all rolled up into this ball. I feel like if the mask cracks, I'll lose my mind. But maybe I was always meant to be insane. Maybe that's what I really am underneath it all. These dream or memories - that's the chaos breaking through.

There's only one answer to fix that problem, or so it feels. It's not the answer people would like, but it's a way to calm that seething mass. It's a way to make it stop.

I wish I could tell my husband more but I can't. It's not him. Just sitting here, thinking of my psych appointment and if she asks what the dreams involve. - I want to tell her if no one else but just the memory of them, makes me shake and tremble. The memory of that fear is enough to drive me to almost tears. SO it's not him, it's me.

I just don't know another way to fix this. The thought of hanging around to find out if there is another way makes me feel so tired, like I haven't slept in centuries.

Thank you, all of you for being there for me. I hope I can be strong enough to honour your efforts.

GA

[Bridge]

Dear GA

Firstly and most importantly, baking.  Thank you for explaining about the pentacle buns and dragon eggs.  I understand now completely.  I thought of you the other day when i bought half a dozen of (ordinary, hot crossed) buns, and was so looking forwards to eating them.  I popped them in the car, whizzed into the laundromat to get the washing, zipped out again,  and there was the dog with the empty plastic wrapper in her nose in the car looking very guilty.

so cross.

Nightmares.  yeck.

I think its better out than in, but getting things out sometimes makes childbirth look like a walk in the park.  the only think i can think of is either writing down bits or drawing pictures of it. Its harrowing but sometimes things get less scary when they're there on paper.  BUT im definately not an expert in these things. I do anxiety dreams, which are not fun, but by your descriptions, quite preferable.

Im with you on the drug front. Why do you not have enough drugs?  If it is the doctors, please kick them up the butt with a pointy boot for me.

Im not sure where you live but (in victoria) it is a very good time for planting beetroot at the moment. They come up well from seeds (cheaper than seedlings).

enjoy the gardening.

thinking of you when its dark.

bridge

[Girl_Anachronism]

"Summer in the city, I'm so lonely lonely lonely/ I've been hallucinating you, babe, on the backs of other women/ And I tap on their shoulder and they turn around smiling/ But there's no recognition in their eyes..."

Summer In The City, Regina Spektor

Hi Bridge,

Thank you for both thinking of me and the anecdote about your dog. I guess she just wanted an Easter treat too.

I thought about writing them down, my nightmares but I don't know if that would be giving them strength. Then again maybe I need to do something more to make them real and not try run away from them. I just wish it wasn't so damned terrifying.

When I was discharged from hospital almost two weeks ago they could only give me a weeks supply of my sleeping tablets. They also didn't want to give me the second muscle relaxant i took in the hospital which really helped me sleep. Given my previous suicidal ideation and attempts, they didn't want to give me the dangerous stuff. Hell given my thoughts these past few days, I'd almost agree with them, if not for the fact that good nights sleep without nightmares would really help my strength fighting those thoughts.

So they gave me a weeks supply and it is almost three weeks until med review, given the public holiday period and my psychiatrist going on a weeks break. I tried to get an earlier appointment but she is booked solid. Telling my story to the doctor on duty all over again seems too hard, particularly given they do not know me. So I guess it's two weeks of broken sleep for me. If you see posts from me at three in the morning you know why.

You know I have a pair of very pointed boots...

I don't like beet root, but my capsicum seedling and chilli bush are perking up nicely, a few days in The curly leaf parsley is also spreading out.

"...And don't get me wrong, dear, in general I'm doing quite fine/ It's just when it's summer in the city/ and you're so long gone from the city/I start to miss you, baby/ sometimes..."

GA

[Mares73]

-Hi GA I've been meaning to sit down & talk to you properly. I have to say you are the most incredible writer re depression & it's effects.. It's your msgs that often end with me in tears-not in a bad way-but because you can express so vividly the heartbreak, suffering & trauma that I too have but could never articulate the way you do. You are an absolute inspiration, you just have the knack of knowing the unique response for each person you respond too & you are so intelligent, strong & courageous-and they are not just words-I mean it from the heart. I know things have been really tough for you lately & if your starting to have memories please let your pysch know? As you know I was abused by my father from a young age, then given a "sleeping aid" by the local Priest who I turned to for help & experienced a night of absolute terror but no one in the church would believe it & then 4-5 yrs ago in hospital when I went for a walk outside at night I was grabbed & you know the rest. I was very hurt in that assault as my wedding ring & jewellery were ripped off me. Abuse is something horrific & I'm here if ever you want to run things past-I've been through the ringer with abuse so would understand. Secondly I know you & Jo have been talking about the rejection by family-well I'm very experienced in that. Not once has my mum or sisters ever phoned when I'm having a hard time, no visits & an attitude that I should just "pull myself together". But then I was the oldest of 3 girls & I was more of a mother protecting them from my Dad. My mum still says my Dad suffered from the "disease" of alcoholism yet with depression she has no wish to hear about it to the point if I mention feelings in any context she immediately switches to a topic such as the weather. What can I expect though when I grew up with her constantly saying feelings don't matter. I think each of us crave our mum, to listen, give us a hug etc. but it's taken so much of my life & therapy to accept I will never have the bond with my mum or sisters I've wanted for so long. My mum was poor & I left school at 14 with no quals to support her & my sisters & I recall strongly the only times she said she loved me was when I gave her my pay. No wonder I married the first person I met. But forgive me-bk to you-are you able to go out alone or do you struggle with isolation & spent fruitless days at hm waiting for time to pass (I do that). It's as though ill be judged somehow by stepping into the world. I know the dreams are very traumatic but do you think you could try even once to just write it down feeling emotionless & numb & that way you could have an opener with your pysch next appt. yes the fear is overwhelming & the pain & memories-but unfortunately they do tend to find a way to break through our defences-that's why I'm suggesting you take control of the terrible thoughts by writing them down. Also I know you have high self-expectations-but you may need to give yourself a "go slow" pass for the next few weeks as its still very close to your hospitalisation & you would be fragile & healing from that let alone these other issues that have come up. One suggestion from my Pysch after breakdown was to keep a journal & each morning set myself one task for any house duties or even making dinner, another column for one thing I was going to try out of my comfort zone-even a short walk alone, another column with one step for my mental health ie reading, coming here etc, another for at least 1thing I enjoy (& that may be experimental). So each day I had a few little goals to work on (no prob if couldn't do it just try next day). And write in my journal end of each day the feelings & thoughts you experienced & ask yourself a few q such as-what would make me feel a bit happier if I could have/do/achieve it? What thoughts & feelings are stopping me from living the life I want? What would that life look like? What are your fears? Doubts? Insecurities? What don't you like about yourself-& do you know why? And then what are your strengths, goals & things you can build on-because I can see many. Just little mind exercises that can help clear the fog. Also perhaps list what you can change& how you think you'd achieve that, what you can't change & how to accept that. And draw a big circle & divide sections of  each feelings, thoughts, avoidances & things your ready to confront. I was sceptical of this but I'd be lost without my jounal. It's a living present document of you as a person & your complexities, fears, hopes, things to try, things to overcome & things you feel immobilised by. GA you truly are one of the strongest most insightful friends I have. You know yourself better than anyone. You are so incredible & deserve happiness & a life with hope rather than constant battles & pain. You are inspiring, you are DEFINETLY a fighter & I know no matter what gets you down you always find the strength to get back up. Your a very special friend& I thankyou for that. Lve Mares x

[geoff]

dear GA, I have been reading all of these replies and comments all of which have been great comfort and support for you.

Do you remember awhile ago I started a post called, well I can't remember, but it was about DREAMS and what people experience, but it didn't get off the ground and was pushed over to page 2 and now it could be anywhere by now.

It mainly described about people and their nightmares while on antidepressants and when in depression.

I still have them and I also dream of people who I haven't seen for many years, and the other day it was about the GP my wife and I went to see with her first pregnancy and that was 35 years ago, but I have had no encounter with him for that long, plus all the other bizarre dreams I still have.

When I was depressed these would have worried me, because for some reason I would relate them back and associate them with my depression, so in other words they would have disturbed me, but now because I have no depression I just laugh at them.

There is another lady I visit who has only been on AD's for about a year, but many times we can compare dreams and often think how ridiculous they are, but when you are suffering it only adds to the build up of frustration and anxiety because we believe that they are real, and somehow related to our illness.

The other factor here is that we combine absolutely everything that we do or can't do and grab it and push it down our throat, because we believe that's it's all related to our illness, maybe it is or maybe it's an extension that passes us by, but we might as well grab it and then lump it onto our back, so it's another problem we have to cope with.

It's true because I did it all the way through the lengthy period of my disease, and it's so easy to do, and there are still so many issues which I have left behind, because I couldn't sort through them all, let alone solve them all, that's why I have locked them all up and pushed them afloat, I don't want to revisit that stage in my life ever again.

I have found that now I have blocked them off, and amongst that lot, there are many painful, hurting and awful thoughts that added to my depression, but I COULDN'T SOLVE THEM, then or even now, so I have accepted this fact, and now my life is simple, actually it's very simple, and that's the way I want it to be.

I always say no to family functions or parties so it's an unequivocal NO, because I know that I would hate being there, because my sister in law and sister would ask me every question under the sun, and do so without even breathing, so I leave them there with their tongues hanging so eager to ask me.

I will leave it there at the moment, but will continue on. L Geoff. x