Rocks and Islands

[Girl_Anachronism]

"...Don't talk of love./ But I've heard those words before; / It's sleeping in my memory./ I won' t disturb the slumber of feelings that have died./ If I never loved I never would have cried./ I'm a rock. I'm an island..."

You know normally I have new theme or problem when I post a new thread. I don't really have one for this, just the old one was getting too long and I felt the need to post. I felt the need to contact with someone. 

I just came back from second session with my new psych. We are working challenging thoughts. It makes sense but it will take time. I knew that from the beginning, just this week has been so wretched that everything seems a monumental task. I made muffins yesterday. I sang and danced in the kitchen to the tunes of Sweeney Todd. My friend who was also having a hard night is going to come over today. We were meant to make muffins but I don't know if we'll have time now.

On the way home from the psych I felt so bad I was just silently crying slowly as I was driving. It's a skill. I stopped off on the shops, sunglasses on and all in order to spend my last twenty for the week on skittles and childrens stickers. The shinier the better. In my hospital admission, a friend of mine in there (fellow patient) held a slumber party of sorts and we had colouring in books, pizza and I decorated my various gadgets with bright glittery puffy stickers.  I bought these to finish the job ad decorate the cbt file my psych gave me. I bought them because I thought it would make me happy, or least give me something to do. It makes me kind of sad though it reminds me of the hospital and how safe I felt. How I had hope when i lefft for all of two days before I crashed. 

I am unlikely to be able to see my psychiatrist to change meds this week. She is just too busy. I could see a doctor on duty but they don't know my entire history. It's too much effort for someone new. I did hear via psychologist though that I can stop taking the antidepressants that have been giving me migraines. I have been weaning off for this past week. It would have been nice to hear from her in person, or get on something different but I guess that will just have to wait two weeks. 

I'm not that important. I am just going to take my stickers, decorate my books and then go to bed. Seems thats all that is left.

"And a rock feels no pain; An island never cries."

GA

[Girl_Anachronism]

Hi Mares,

I just write what the monsters tell me to. 😉 Your response deserves far more than I can write well enough for right now but I'll give it my best shot.

I try leave the house, even for a walk when I can but lately motivation has been lacking. It has been a very rough weekend, and it isn't getting better. Today especially, I can feel a seizure is going to happen. So I was meant to visit a friend today but I don't want to be that far from my house, or somewhere there isn't something soft to land on nearby. I have rescheduled for tomorrow.

I am struggling to even complete the 'homework' given to me by my psychologist but I will take your suggestions on board and see if I can do  them. I definitely want to write down my nightmares. I couldn't even tell the OT during the home visit today what they were- just thinking of the words makes me seize up with fear and it gets so hard to breathe. I need to tell my psychologist about them though, so I am going to try and write them down o that even if I can't say them I can give them to her to read.

I haven't said it often enough, but I really appreciate all the commenters on here. You are all doing it tough at the moment and you take the time out of little old me.

GA

[Girl_Anachronism]

Hi Geoff,

I had a longer reply to you, but it was not allowed so I'll try recreate this as best I can within the rules.

I do remember that post you started- I don't think I ended up commenting on it. It was one of those I'll comment on that when I get back and never got back to it. I don't dream on sleeping meds and so antidepressants or no it hasn't made a difference for me. Since being off them for a week and some terrible broken sleep, these nightmares have started. The thing is some don't feel like nightmares at all and others I can pick dream elements in but also don't feel completely like dreams.

I don't know. My brain hates me and I hate my brain, what can I say. As for the family front, low moods and all it was so nice not to have family drama. I think I need space from them to sort myself out. Then and only then would I be willing to visit with them again. Give me my garden and my cats. That's all I need.

GA

[Girl_Anachronism]

"...I suffer mornings most of all/ I feel so powerless and small/ By 10 o’clock I’m back in bed/ Fighting the jury in my head..."
Have To Drive, Amanda Palmer

Hi guys,

I'm not doing well today. I intend to write out the nightmares as per Mares suggestion, to give to my psych tomorrow. Maybe I'll feel better after that.

Maybe I'll just curl up beneath my Blanket of Solitude (Kudos if you get the reference).

GA

[Girl_Anachronism]

"People just ain't no good/I think that's well understood/You can see it everywhere you look/People just ain't no good..."

People Ain't No Good, Nick Cave & The Bad Seeds

To anyone who is still reading,

Rough week gets rougher. Bad times all round. I don't know how much detail to go into but I'll try keep this short.

So in another attempt to distract my self and semi apologise to the Cat Haven for taking a few weeks off volunteering, I shared a fundraiser they were holding and asked who on my my friends list would like to go with me. One friend responded, yay. Then my two sisters did. Apparently I must be pretending well enough for them to want to be around me again.

I can not describe how angry I am at them. Abandon me when times are rough, don't invite me to a family Easter event and then post pictures of it on Facebook, THEN you want to get involved and recognise I exist again? Am I being rational or is this me being oversensitive? I can't tell from my view so I am asking you.

I have already decided I want nothing more to do with them for the near future. That I don't need this fair weather family drama. My husband agrees. My psych even said it was a wise decision. I mean when family doesn't contact you until two weeks later, after a hospital admission, and my two good friends were texting me damn near every day during the admission. I find it appalling and it incenses me but like I said am I being rational?

Also I have not informed them of this decision yet. That's my fault. I just don't know how to phrase it. Certainly not right now, when I am this angry but soon. Ideas on how would be appreciated.

On the psych/med/sleep front, my OT did get me another weeks sleping meds so I will be sleeping until my med review. I'm sure it will come up for discussion at the med review. I also had a session with my psych which was gruelling, confronting and left me a little raw. I won't post about it now.

Its been over a week of no antidepressants so I am definitely feeling the anxiety rise frequently and mood swings again. I guess this is what I am like when I don't have them. I don't know how to feel about that.

I'll go now, have a nap and check back later. I hope you are all staying strong and traveling better than I am.

GA

[Jo3]

Oh GA,

This is sounding so much like my family - are you sure we're not related!!

My god there are so many similarities between our stories and issues. The exact same thing happened to me while I was admitted in hospital reg. family and friends and even over Easter, I was left out.

GA, you are being rational because that is how I would feel as well.

You are such a fighter, a beautiful person who deserves lots of happiness, health and love with your husband, your friends and your friends on here.

I am thinking of you and sending you a hug.

Take care my friend

Jo xxx

[Guest_3712]

Hi GA,

I have posted to you for a while because you have all these wonderful BB friends of ours supporting you, but I have been following your story and would like to just contribute if I can.

Like Jo said, we must all be related. You, Jo, Mares, and myself all have a very similar past and definitely similar issues at the moment. I like to think we are all souls sisters!

You said in your post you haven't advised your family of your decision to break ties with them. Can I ask, "is it really necessary to even do this?" Why not just let things subside, just quietly slip away. Despite my psych telling me for months I was wasting my time trying to gain my mothers approval , love anything, I kept going back for more.

More hurt and more heartbreak because she just doesn't get it and never will. It doesn't stop me wishing it were different, but since I just stopped I feel a little less anxious, I still hurt a lot but on the odd day it may be well into the day now before I think about it.

I just posted to Jo too and told her how I am trying to refocus my time and energy. With work, family, exercise yeah I know you've heard it all before, me too and I still have crap days , but I think there may just be a chance I can get on with my life without this constant negative outlook on my life.

That and the desire to not turn out like my parents. I want my children to look back on our relationship knowing they were loved and cherished, supported, encouraged, valued and were always my top priority . Knowing they had my love unconditionally.

I am hoping in time, my desire for this legacy to my kids will out weigh my need for a relationship with my mum that will only ever exist in my dreams.

GA I hope you can find some peace soon and live the life you deserve

Be kind to yourself

Stressless

[Mares73]

Dear GA firstly I want to thank you for all the support you've provided to so many people especially over there past 2 weeks when Neil & I haven't been able to help as much as usual. You & Geoff particularly have given so much help to others at a time when you yourself are experiencing so much. Re what your going through at moment-id say the washout experience prior to changing meds would be playing havoc with your moods. It's hard to remember that when your mind is going in all directions & you feel sense of displacement but the real cause is the change over experience which varies from difficult to almost unbearable. I recall one time I was at a stage you are with meds & I was convinced someone was continually banging on our front door, heard things that weren't real & felt like I had sharp electric shoots of pain in my head. So I'd guess this period is very difficult for you. Re family, as I've said mine were never there for me-i mothered them. And when I had my first breakdown & asked my mum why she would never discuss feelings or acknowledge me-she replied that she wasn't responsible for my Dad's abuse & it was in the past & "I was screwed up because I couldn't just get on with life" & she refused to discuss or resolve issues that had affected me as she said the past should stay in the past & my depression was due to me not trying to get on with life. I went through a period of real grief not having a mum I could turn to & who kept discussions to superficial issues such as the weather predictions. For my own health I had to learn to let go of my grief & expectations that we could have a genuine rlship. Same with my 2 younger sisters-they never have acknowledge or supported my feelings. It's a dysfunctional family that operates on a superficial level & I've finally let go of my hurt & desire to have a family. I hope you in time will get to a stage in yourself where you can let go of what you'd deeply craved & realize the people in your life who love/care for you unconditionally & I stress that word-are the people who are as close to family as it gets. How have you been going with your "journal", recalling dreams, keeping a "mood monitor" each day & so on. I am reading "The Happiness trap" by Rus Harris based on ACT therapy & there are some great thought provoking questions & exercises to try. Would you like me to write just a few for you so you get the idea & can see it they are helpful in clarifying your thoughts & experiences? Id highly recommend them & am happy to post a few for you if you'd like? You know what GA? Despite what ever your going through-your insight, courage & strength still shines through your despair. You are worth so much more than what you perceive of yourself-your a beautiful, strong, courageous, inspiring fighter & have a special heart. I admire your so much, oh & you are so articulate & such a beautiful writer. I wonder how you are today? And would you like a few exercises from the book that really focus on you just as you are? They are great & help me with my thinking processes & self perception. Hope to hear from you soon, sending a big hug X Love Maresxx

[Neil_1]

Ïslands in the stream, that is what we are, no-one in between, how could we be wrong, sail away with me, to another world and we rely on each other uh huh, from one lover to another uh huh"   Kenny R and Dolly P.

Dear GA

As usual, I couldn't help myself with that little intro and please forgive me as I divulge myself into a little more weird humour.   GA wrote:

" ... my OT did get me another weeks sleping meds so I will be sleeping until my med review. I'm sure it will come up for discussion at the med review"

Dear GA, you're gonna be sleeping now till your med review - I ask you, how on earth are you typing now, if you're in the land of nod?  I've heard of sleep walking, but sleep-typing!  Now come on!!?!?!  🙂  🙂   Sorry, just couldn't help myself - just to lighten things up a wee bit.

Ok, so back to your post - I agree with Stressless - there's no need for you to make any announcement to your sisters at all.  Going from the way they seem to conduct themselves, it'll be sometime before they even contact you - and then you will perhaps have the opportunity to ignore that or to have contact with them at that point.  But until that happens, just begin to focus on your own needs, your own self, your own issues and be damned with them.  Tis my thoughts on this and by the way, you're not being overly sensitive and you ARE being entirely rational.  Hellishly more than your sisters - I mean, a sibling goes into hospital - to me that is NOT rational for them to not make contact with you.  But hey, that's just me.

May I ask what 'sharing a fund-raiser is'??  How did that workout??  And can I say MAJOR MEGA kudos to you for deciding to do that.

I've also said this before on other threads and I'll be boring here and say it again.  I think Facebook is an evil thing - my psychiatrist was so pleased when I told him I've never ever bothered with it and don't think I ever will.  He said that for someone who is dealing with mental health issues, some of the things that can happen on facebook could be really detrimental to ones health within the mind.  I mean we know how people can be evil and facebook then gives them the opportunity to say or do things that are out there for so many others to see and it could be really hurting to others - and these people could "get off on being like that".

You're really battling of late GA and having been weaned off your meds would not be helping that one bit - but from what I can gather your professional helps are there for you - kind of monitoring, yeah?   No wonder you also felt so raw and exhausted - if you had a gruelling psyche session, and you had no meds to help cushion some of your emotions.

Keep posting here GA as long as you feel good/ok to do so.

Kind regards

Neil

[Girl_Anachronism]

Hi Neil,

You know, after I posted, I read back that line and thought the same thing. While I am quite practiced at being on here, and being in either at a high point or low point to the point where I don't remember what it was like before this; I certainly couldn't do that in my sleep. If only, then I would be getting more sleep than I am!

By sharing, I meant sharing it on Facebook and inviting everybody on my friends list in a general, ambiguous, socially awkward way. Normally I would invite specific people but I have been leaning on two of my friends quite heavily lately. I thought I might try recruit some more from my outer circle of people on my friends list. The fact my sisters replied and intended to come or go with me, prompted the need to send them a message about my decision.

Maybe it's my good old fashioned courtesy too. It certainly made the future easier- no them showing up at my door, etc. So I sent them a message via the Great Evil, Facebook and explained what I wanted, why I was doing it and so forth. No chance of argument, no window to enter their excuses. Just me stating my decision and why. I suspect I sent that message more for me than them. I needed it, to make my point clear. Not to mention if I just stopped talking to them, they would never know why and ask why I didn't tell them it was because they didn't support me. Now they know.

Now they don't have any other chances to hurt me. My decision, in my control.

As for general opinions on Facebook itself, I see it as a tool. It can help organising some things, or as a distraction, but I didn't give up texting or calling someone for it. Unlike a lot of of people my age, I spend about ten minutes a time on there. Then I log off and do something else. I certainly don't use their chat functionoften, if at all. I think it is interesting on a purely intellectual level about how it has changed the next generation and what it may or may not be doing to people. I guess you could say I am informed user.

The fund raiser isn't here yet, not for a month or so. And now I wonder if my sisters will be there anyway and lead to awkwardness. Ugh. Family is like a poison sometimes, it takes a while to get out of your system.

Yes I am off meds and back to the mood swings pre this last attempt at medication. I do have two appointments every week - OT and my psych. Three this week with  my psychiatrist for med review. I also need to book a GP appointment this week (for non mental health reasons) and was going to try one suggested by BB near me. If all goes well, I'll get history transferred across from my doctor  an hour away.

I will post again later and reply to you all but for now I must go and wake The Husband to go to a friend's place.

GA

[Girl_Anachronism]

Hi Stressless,

Thank you as always for responding. I have been wondering how you were going recently, but my ability to help others on here has either been firing a hundred percent or not firing at all so my presence can be somewhat inconsistent. I do try help where I can, and I am sorry for having missed your post.

It seems a cold comfort in knowing that we four are suffering from similar issues - a comfort yes, because it means there others out there who understand. It isn't encouraging to see such irrational responses towards people whose mental illness leaves them in need, only to have them be abandoned like too much hard work. It's hard to deal with and cuts close to the bone.

I don't really have a family of my own, bar my husband two cats. Technically I have a step son and he is good and supportive, just not aorund all that much. He has his own life to lead and he is such a good and caring person with so much potential I don't like to disturb it more than I have too. Aside from that, my three good friends are all I really have of worth, in terms of humans I both tolerate and like.

So I am stuck at a  point of forging my reasons why to go forward for myself. It's harder than anything I have faced. It feels better without future family stress but ye gods is it a hard road to walk. I did in the end contact them and let them know of my decision, and outlined why in my above reply to Neil.

I am still not in a good place and not traveling well, but if I fall now it is because of me, not them. I succeed, in turn it is because of me, not them.

GA