People without it don't understand depression but I really wish that wasn't true

[janazantar]

So I've had a tough week with my black dog nipping at my heels or lying on my chest weighing it down so I can't breath.  At work I lead a close team and knowing I'm struggling right now thought I'd explained as best you can to people with happy lives why I may seem withdrawn, quick to tears and not my 'usual' bubbly self - you know to let them feel at ease so they don't think its them or they've done something wrong. Had a really bad morning and there I am in a car with a work mate trying to hold back tears, put some kind of expression on my face and find the energy to speak at all.  After getting back to the office this same work mate who is moving to another department seems to be thinking its their leaving that is causing me to be withdrawn, asking whats happened in the last couple of days is seeking answers from other people and telling them that I'm giving them the cold shoulder. Funny since here I was totally embarrassed, humiliated for crying and feeling like a needy, high maintenance drama queen and thought I'd let them know its not them its just a tough time for me right now and I'm struggling but hope this isn't defining me. I'm trying to remember that people without depression have no idea what its like and I can't expect them to understand that once in the grip of depression it doesn't just go away overnight. I've spent the trip home this afternoon in the car both angry and crying wishing there was some way for non-depressed people to get the smallest insight into what's going on inside me right now - without judgement or criticism. The quick and repeated thoughts of self loathing with evidence my sick brain finds everywhere, the despair and panic that it isn't going to end, the lump in my throat, the ache in my chest, the feeling like something is squeezing my lungs from the inside and above all that all my decreased energy is being spent on trying to put one foot in front of the other, put some kind of expression on my face while desperately trying not to cry in public and stopping myself from running away from work as fast as possible and never ever going back there. I'm seeing my psychologist every couple of days but even there were I have felt such relief I don't want to talk, I don't want to try. I'm tired of trying to hide my depression so everyone else feels ok when all I want is someone to be strong for me and say its ok - i know this isn't the real you and I won't hold this against you.

[Robbie81]

Hi Mrs Dools & all, 

Thanks for your reply, i aggree I have been doing alot of reading about Depression and this is helping me to understand what is going on and what i have been dealing with for longer than i realized. I  am now accepting what i have to deal with and hopefully moving towards implementing some changes as you said. Also i am starting a project at home as my work is not very fulfilling so  i will have something to work on without any pressure.  I'm lucky to have a very supportive and understanding wife to talk to and she is helping me work through everything, also finding talking with others on here and realizing im not alone helps alot.

Thanks again, 

Cammo.

[janazantar]

Felt really down today and after a conversation with a friend of mine freaking out a little. They told me a few people at work had noticed something wrong with me and my behaviour but frustratingly won't tell me who so I could try and put it in some context of how I was feeling at the time and whether it was really any different from some of the behaviours I have expressed in the past. The problem is my mind has now gone into overdrive of 'oh no the secrets out and I'm going to get fired'. I feel like I've just been handed confirmation that everyone is watching me. I've been told by my psychologist that I have to get out of the job I'm in because it is a toxic environment. I realise that but how do you get another job when you're depressed. I think I made a huge mistake in trying to share with others rather than shutting myself down and keeping the mask on. I'm in a position of leadership and a high pressure job and I've started to question what kind of job I should get. I don't think I should be in a leadership position anymore because I will always have depression at varying levels for the rest of my life and therefore affect those around me. I have more self loathing after woods filled with regret and worry about how was I treating people. When an episode hits I don't feel safe enough to take the time I need to get better and I can't control my emotions so easily in public. I feel I need to try and live a more quiet withdrawn life with little contact other than my family and an ever decreasing number of friends because its just too hard. I remember when I started this job thinking I'll try and be more subdued and quiet so that when the next episode hits no one may notice my behaviour as any different. I don't know what kind of job that would be and I also know that I suffer from the negative thinking and 'all or nothing' thinking.  Because I have issues of trust and self loathing I rarely let anyone in and so when I do I want authentic real connections with people but if I perceive I've been let down in some way I get so angry at myself for letting my guard down. I have spent so much energy in my adult life keeping the mask on and trying to behave 'normally' but when I am feeling well I am outspoken and entertaining to others and would appear like an extrovert when really I'm not.  It's exhausting, confusing and frustrating and as a depressive personality with overly high expectations I'm constantly feeling let down by my self and others.