People without it don't understand depression but I really wish that wasn't true

[janazantar]

So I've had a tough week with my black dog nipping at my heels or lying on my chest weighing it down so I can't breath.  At work I lead a close team and knowing I'm struggling right now thought I'd explained as best you can to people with happy lives why I may seem withdrawn, quick to tears and not my 'usual' bubbly self - you know to let them feel at ease so they don't think its them or they've done something wrong. Had a really bad morning and there I am in a car with a work mate trying to hold back tears, put some kind of expression on my face and find the energy to speak at all.  After getting back to the office this same work mate who is moving to another department seems to be thinking its their leaving that is causing me to be withdrawn, asking whats happened in the last couple of days is seeking answers from other people and telling them that I'm giving them the cold shoulder. Funny since here I was totally embarrassed, humiliated for crying and feeling like a needy, high maintenance drama queen and thought I'd let them know its not them its just a tough time for me right now and I'm struggling but hope this isn't defining me. I'm trying to remember that people without depression have no idea what its like and I can't expect them to understand that once in the grip of depression it doesn't just go away overnight. I've spent the trip home this afternoon in the car both angry and crying wishing there was some way for non-depressed people to get the smallest insight into what's going on inside me right now - without judgement or criticism. The quick and repeated thoughts of self loathing with evidence my sick brain finds everywhere, the despair and panic that it isn't going to end, the lump in my throat, the ache in my chest, the feeling like something is squeezing my lungs from the inside and above all that all my decreased energy is being spent on trying to put one foot in front of the other, put some kind of expression on my face while desperately trying not to cry in public and stopping myself from running away from work as fast as possible and never ever going back there. I'm seeing my psychologist every couple of days but even there were I have felt such relief I don't want to talk, I don't want to try. I'm tired of trying to hide my depression so everyone else feels ok when all I want is someone to be strong for me and say its ok - i know this isn't the real you and I won't hold this against you.

[Rusty_52]

Hi every one my name is Rusty52 I am a new member.

I know it is very hard to put on a smiley face when we are down. I find that when this happens I need to be around friends that have a positive attitude. Or I might listen to my favorite music.

I personally have had the Black Dog's decease for more than 12 years and I have my good days and my bad day.s

[CMF]

Hi,

i totally agree, people who haven't experienced it will never understand it.  It's very easy for people to be dismissive and judge and assume or even think it's attention seeking as has happened to me.  They don't know that's it's not just sadness, it's how you feel internally, how everything other emotion is drained from you, how you just want to curl up in a ball and hide away.  I take my hat off to you having the courage to try and explain to your colleagues how your feeling, it's hard to do that when others can't relate to it. Are you able to take some time off work to give yourself a break from having to put on the "happy face". I find time alone helps as I can choose if I want to go out or not or if I just want to sit at home and accept how I'm feeling without being judged..

cmf

[onlyyouknow]

I, too, wish there was some way that those without this horrible feeling knew what it was like.
I have a partner of 11 years. My depression has reached a pretty strong point at the moment. I find it very hard not to cry in the most mundane situations. My work is dull but I'm too fearful of getting another job and failing. I'm losing passion for my hobbies. I've tried talking to my partner as he finally cornered me and asked what was wrong as he could see the changes. Not being able to hold back my tears I squeaked it out. Now what he said was true and nothing I hadn't considered before. But I felt in the tone of his voice that it was a frustration that I didn't practice these ideas. I felt no real compassion. I wanted to tell him I know what I should do..but I just don't. I need someone to help me. I need them to tell me it'll be alright, to be there when I need them and not be annoyed that they have to be. He's so kind and caring but he does not understand what this is like. I feel like I'm burdening him with this. I've run out of options for someone to talk to and that is what has brought me to here. I'm so thankful that these forums are here. After reading so many posts I know I'm not alone because I'm so sick of feeling alone. I don't want to cry anymore. 

[pollypossum]

Thank you for posting your experience, 

I wanted to reply to tell you your not alone I too today cried at work and then proceeded to make up some random story about my husband being out drinking on the weekend .... to not make them feel bad when the truth for me today despite the cute heels, hair relatively done and office face on. I felt that familiar sense of inability to cope. 

Sometimes its ok to cry please don't beat yourself up! Your an inspiration for being honest real and caring for others so much. So if at all you encounter a work crying incident again please remember that this too will pass. Your incredible and smile to yourself and  know that your secret fan club is cheering for you. Something that iv been trying when it all gets emotional at work is the 5 things, 5 things you can hear, 5 things you can feel, 5 things you can see, then repeat with 3 things hear, feel and see. 

Much gratitude for your post. 

[Doolhof]

Hi Everyone,

It really can be tough when people just don't get what depression can do to a person and how it can make you feel.

How can you explain something to a person when at times you don't even understand or comprehend yourself how depression can make you feel so lousy some days but other days you are okay!

How do you explain that all you have to do is wake up in the morning and for some inexplicable reason you feel like you can't get out of bed and facing the day just seems too horrendous to contemplate?

There are some people that will try to understand, others will become angry and frustrated because they think you should be able to just pull yourself together, some will stay clear of you in case what you have is contagious, others might think you are a total idiot and a blubbering fool.

I can not make other people understand how I am feeling. I can try to explain depression and mental health issues, but unless that person is prepared to try to relate to what I am telling them, at times it is pointless.

Yes, it would be wonderful if people had some understanding, that they could be supportive and helpful, but that is not always going to be the case.

It is wonderful we have this forum where we can share how we are feeling and know that we will not be judged because of it.

To all of you, I wish you courage and determination to keep going, and may you always have a tissue handy for when the tears come!

From Lauren

[geoff]

I have to say dear All here, because what all of you have said is absolutely the truth.

When we try and explain to someone that we aren't feeling well, they come up with all the conclusions they feel as a reason for us feeling this way, all except for understanding that we could be suffering from depression, because that word is a strong noun that they dare not enter into, or want to talk about, only because they have no understanding on how this word works.

To have someone say ' its ok - I know this isn't the real you and I won't hold this against you', is very far and between, and even if they may know about depression, then how long will they stay around us, usually not long.

Worse still it's upsetting when our partner/spouse doesn't know how to cope and then becomes annoyed and finally aloof, not wanting to help us and can't understand because he/she has provided them with what they have wanted and take the attitude that we are ungrateful, but this is far from the truth.

If your boss at work is only interested in wanting positive results and could give a damn about how you are feeling, then this only intensifies our depression, work mates start gossiping and before you know you are labelled as a 'crack nut'.

So is it that these people don't want to learn about depression or is that this word still considered to be a taboo word. Geoff.

[White_Rose]

Dear Everyone

It is dreadful to try to keep going when all you want is to curl up in a ball and sleep it all away. We all know that the attacks of the Black Dog are made worse for us because no one else can see it, understand or empathize.

Whenever I have tried to explain it to people I find using analogies to work best. I ask them to imagine living at the bottom of a dark hole with sheer sides. No way out that you can see. Afraid of the dark and what might be lurking there. How the care and understanding of a significant other is like a light being shone into the darkness helping us to see the ladder attached to walls. That this light helps us to start climbing and hold on to the rungs above. How we sometimes slip a few rungs, get bruised and can do nothing except stay there until the pain eases a little. Then we can start climbing again.

I realise many people will find this too fanciful, another sign of hysteria, self-pity or laziness, but sometimes it works and the other person has a glimpse into the hell of depression. Describe your own experience in a way that suits you using a situation the other person can relate to.  It can help.

I understand most things better with mind pictures, songs and poetry. Others have their own preferred way of getting to grips with whatever they need to understand. Perhaps ask someone what their most frightening experience has been and build on that to explain your situation. People do not always need to be depressed to understand if we can give them a frame of reference.

Hope that is useful folks.

Mary

[Doolhof]

Hi Mary and Geoff,

Thank you both of you for your posts. Depression certainly can be a difficult illness to try to describe to someone.

We all experience it differently.

I can see how it would help Mary to be able to express your depression in a story kind of way. I like you analogy!

Hopefully the words written in this thread will reach out to people who need to read it or want to share their own experience.

Cheers all from Mrs. Dools

[Rusty_52]

hi all

I am feeling very depressed today. I am at home by myself, I've been for a walk and still feel down. I have been reading the post here and I agree that people do not understand. we seek the treatment and yet we still feel the same.

I have a loving wife who is very understanding, but at the moment I feel a little frustrated with me as I have not been to work for more than six weeks and will no going back until the 1/1/2016.

I started renovating the house back in June and even that is not enjoyable.

When I was diagnosed with depression I made a promise to Psych nurse that I would never harm myself again.I have found it very hard to keep but a promise is a promise.

I thank you all for your posts as it keeps me on the right road.

Russell