People without it don't understand depression but I really wish that wasn't true

[janazantar]

So I've had a tough week with my black dog nipping at my heels or lying on my chest weighing it down so I can't breath.  At work I lead a close team and knowing I'm struggling right now thought I'd explained as best you can to people with happy lives why I may seem withdrawn, quick to tears and not my 'usual' bubbly self - you know to let them feel at ease so they don't think its them or they've done something wrong. Had a really bad morning and there I am in a car with a work mate trying to hold back tears, put some kind of expression on my face and find the energy to speak at all.  After getting back to the office this same work mate who is moving to another department seems to be thinking its their leaving that is causing me to be withdrawn, asking whats happened in the last couple of days is seeking answers from other people and telling them that I'm giving them the cold shoulder. Funny since here I was totally embarrassed, humiliated for crying and feeling like a needy, high maintenance drama queen and thought I'd let them know its not them its just a tough time for me right now and I'm struggling but hope this isn't defining me. I'm trying to remember that people without depression have no idea what its like and I can't expect them to understand that once in the grip of depression it doesn't just go away overnight. I've spent the trip home this afternoon in the car both angry and crying wishing there was some way for non-depressed people to get the smallest insight into what's going on inside me right now - without judgement or criticism. The quick and repeated thoughts of self loathing with evidence my sick brain finds everywhere, the despair and panic that it isn't going to end, the lump in my throat, the ache in my chest, the feeling like something is squeezing my lungs from the inside and above all that all my decreased energy is being spent on trying to put one foot in front of the other, put some kind of expression on my face while desperately trying not to cry in public and stopping myself from running away from work as fast as possible and never ever going back there. I'm seeing my psychologist every couple of days but even there were I have felt such relief I don't want to talk, I don't want to try. I'm tired of trying to hide my depression so everyone else feels ok when all I want is someone to be strong for me and say its ok - i know this isn't the real you and I won't hold this against you.

[janazantar]

Thanks for your post and you know I even tried the 5 things and it seemed to help.  Distracted me long enough to catch a breath and put some attention outside my head even for a moment which most of you here will know what a relief that can be.  I'm having a bit of post sharing remorse that even though depression is talked about a little more these days and we want it to be ok to admit to I also think work places like mine aren't really ready for it - and in the distorted thinking of depression started feeling paranoid that this workmate may not mean what they say and could one day use my openness against me as a weakness.  I started to withdraw again and was on my way to work running through things I would say to try and deflect this attention - as an excuse to hide that I was angry with them for not being who I thought they were (still not sure that's distorted thinking or not) but I ended up talking to him and merely said that this was the last time I would have an opportunity to mentor him as he moves to a new job within the same organisation.  I said that in his career if he ever finds himself in a leadership/management position to remember that 1 in 4 people are afflicted with depression and at least now he was better equipped.  I don't know what I'll say at the obligatory farewell speech that will not reveal my feelings of mistrust and disappointment that this person may not be who I thought they were as so many people say one thing and do another but I have a couple of weeks and who knows, this depression may have lifted enough for me to give an award winning performance.  I know so many of you out there know exactly what I mean.  Thanks again pollypossum for the 5 things.  Gives me hope to have another tool in the back pocket that may help when emotion feels like its swamping me.

[CMF]

Hi Rusty 52,

yeah well I hate the world at the moment.  things that usually cheer me up are not quite working. I'm not of much value to anyone at the moment but who cares - no one because they don't understand it!

[HelenM]

After many years of depression I have come to the conclusion that few people can begin to imagine just how mental illness feels.  We can somehow get an idea of someone's physical pain even if we haven't experienced it. Depression,  before I experienced it I didn't know such a mind state existed. I wish people would take my word for it when I tell them of my difficulties instead of working out what they think is best for me.

[Rusty_52]

Well we do care as we know what it is like.

Yes we have those days where we hate this world but we need to look for the positives that are out there. yes I had a one of most miserable days yesterday, I even had a argument with my wife. A the end of the day we made up and all is well again.

[Neil_1]

Dear all

That is what is so truly awesome about Beyond Blue – being able to come here and unload, and vent and get things off our chest – extract things out of our mind, to unload how we’re feeling.

Because (and even though my Primary School teacher said I should never start a sentence with “and” or “because”, I’ve just done it, so dear Mrs McGillycuddy, I poke my tongue out to you say “Ner” – what the hell does Ner even mean), now where was I?  Oh yeah, being able to do all of the above on this site is fantastic because we’re with ‘like-minded’ people, who KNOW and it’s remarkable how many times you read a post and you think, “Yes, I know exactly what you mean” and things like that.

So we can do this here and often.

Yes, sure it’s not quite as good as being able to do that with someone in person where you can unload and if you feel the need, you can let fly with some tears and know you’ve got a shoulder that you can lean on (which incidentally is what I kind of did at the gym yesterday).  Haven’t been in that good a way myself for a fair while now and things just got a bit too much yesterday and the tears just flowed and there I have kind of befriended someone there who is a remarkably genuine person.

Yeah, so sometimes we can be lucky to find people like that.  And if we can’t (Mrs McG  😛 ), we’ve always got B.B.

Cheers

Neil

[Robbie81]

Hi Janazantar & All,  your post reminded me of a very similar thing that happened at my work recently . A workmate returning from sick leave for an 'unknown reason' and on his first day back unexpectedly opened up to all of us and explained that he had been going through a really tough time and had been diagnosed with depression, as i was sitting there listening to what he had been feeling and going through, i was just thinking wow that's me ! A week later I was having a particularly bad day,  hiding from others at work fighting off the tears again and i thought about his story,  it gave me the courage i needed to get help. I left work early sick and made an appointment with my gp, sure enough i too have been struggling with depression for quite some time.  Im not sure how much longer i would have struggled on with my own depression before seeking help had it not been for his courage to tell us about his problems. I have only been diagnosed 4 weeks ago and have not yet had the courage to tell anyone except my wife and DR.

Well done and thank you all for sharing your stories,  you never know who you might help. 

[Neil_1]

Hi there Cammo

You know, I’m so very pleased to hear this story of yours.

You used a massive word in there that is often not acknowledged enough – “courage”.  Being able to go forth and seek out your own professional help to assist with you recognising that firstly, you ARE suffering and also more importantly, for what positive steps you need to take to get you on a helpful path forward.

I couldn’t imagine how many people out there, might well be just going along in their lives and have a mental illness and not know about it or to not have it treated, etc.  So this is awesome that you’ve been able to do what you’ve just recently done.  It must actually feel like a weight lifted off your shoulders?

At this stage, with your wife knowing and your doctor, those are the two key ones – so for now, it is just a time to not have only acknowledged it, but to take in all that your doctor will advise for you.

As to the letting know of this to others – that is something I think could be put off to further down the track.

Again, such a great and positive response from you.

Kind regards

Neil

[Robbie81]

Hi Neil, thank you for your response and kind words.  It is a massive relief to have finally sought help and acknowledged i have a problem.

 I have been really struggling for about 6 months but after talking with my wife and doctors & understanding more about depression i can now see the point 3 1/2 years ago when going through a very stressful time that things changed with me and I haven't been myself since. It is such a hard thing to ask for help especially with something not many people understand, I was even scared my gp wouldn't understand but she has been fantastic. As i said it takes real courage to tell others what your going through but you may help someone who hasn't yet sought help . I hope eventually to be able to thank my work colleague for his openness and tell my friends about my struggle. 

[Doolhof]

Hi Cammo,

It is wonderful you have been able to share how you are feeling and you have been able to connect with your Dr and to start to receive the help and assistance you need.

Along the way, you will meet people who just don't understand depression at all, that is okay, just accept that not everyone is going to be sympathetic or helpful.

For me, I find that reading books about how to deal with depression is very helpful. There is a lot of information on the web as well.

I also enjoy spending time outside, gardening is something that really relaxes me. I also have a sense of achievement once I have managed to complete something. Sometimes I encourage myself and am thankful that I am even able to start a task, even if I don't complete it.

Finding new ways of doing life that suit how you are now can be beneficial. You may have to adjust your thinking and way of doing things to make life easier for yourself.

Wishing you well with your journey to recovery.

Cheers from Mrs. Dools

[Doolhof]

Hi Russel,

How are you doing? I hope life is a little brighter for you.

Can you set yourself small tasks to do around the house? I find if I make a list and congratulate myself if I even just start something, then I feel a little better.

Are there other things you can do when you feel like you might like to harm yourself? Do you have strategies and ideas in place to do alternate activities?

Depression is a terrible illness! Being aware of what makes you feel better and then aiming to do something about it helps.

Do you have some friends you can catch up with, or can you go somewhere new with your wife just to change things around a little?

Someone said that "Variety is the spice of life!"

From Mrs. Dools