Not Sure Why..

[SamanthaCam]

Well I guess I best introduce my self, I'm 22, live at home with my parents still whom act unappreciative of my existence in our house, even though I know they 'love me' they sure don't act like it. We barley have any form of conversations and if we do, its more like aggressive talking towards me.
I started my own events management company whilst working fill time else where as well, and recently held my first event (expo) which 120-ish people came to and to which I spent every waking minute for the past 8 months planning and co-ordinating leading up to it. Which I'm proud that I've achieved at my age.
Meanwhile I've been dating this guy since January, we started off pretty perfect and to which I have never felt more in love with in my life, we had planned to go to New York during new years, (to which I found out he was planning to propose)
Probably about 7 months ago I caught him lying to me on multiple occasions and he had done something which he knows is not ok in my books and is something that my previous (and only other x boyfriend) did but on a more extreme level. He looked through my phone while I was sleeping. I caught him. He denied it.
I then caught him looking through my laptop while I had fallen asleep, I caught him again, he denied it. He then admitted to doing it to my best friend, and also told her that he had hacked my emails from his house as well as my Facebook. Which he then also admitted to me when I confronted him.
I have nothing to hide at all, its more of a trust thing. Since that day, I have felt empty, all the time I used to enjoy my job, I now no longer enjoy anything at all. I don't even feel a strong connection with him anymore, the only thing I seem to want to do is go out and drink.
I'm now stuck with these plane tickets to New York, which I saved so hard for I have told him I refuse to go with him.
Had planned to go with my best friend instead since we have been meaning to go for years and years. She has now also cancelled due to work.
I feel empty constantly, not knowing what I'm doing, feeling like I'm wasting my youth and my time in life. now I have no feelings for anything. No motivation, I've stoped working on my business which used to be my passion and drive for everything and although I'm still with my boyfriend, we had a 5 month break which didn't seem to help, he's very understanding and accommodating now but I honestly feel as though I have no idea who I am and that I'm dead inside & have no idea what to do

[White_Rose]

Hello Samantha

Great that you have found the Beyond Blue web site and welcome. Thank you for trusting us with your story. I hope we can help you and please ask any question you like.

I can appreciate how betrayed you feel. To care for someone so much and find that he is untrustworthy is a bitter blow. It hurts so much more when it is someone you previously trusted.

Can I ask you why you have got back together after a five month separation? No need to answer anything you feel uncomfortable about. I wondered why given that you had managed a long break.

I am 70 y.o. so someone aged 22 seems quite young. I hope that does not sound patronizing. I am trying to say that you are not wasting your youth as there is a whole of of time left. It may be that you are staying with this man because you fear being alone. Please realise you have the world to enjoy and time.

It sounds as though you are a little depressed. This would account for the loss of motivation and the empty feeling. Acts of betrayal can really knock you for six as I have discovered recently. Certainly this stuff is no respecter of age.

I hesitate to give you advice about what to do with your boyfriend. It's easy enough for someone else to say "If I were you I would..."  What I will ask you is what you gain from staying with this man. He does not make you feel good about yourself and the urge to drink is a form of escapism that if fraught with bad consequences. It is also a classic reaction to depression.

I would like you to consider three things.

First go and see your GP and 'tell all'. He/she can then make an assessment of you and offer appropriate help.

Second, consider as I have said, what you get from this relationship with the BF and where it is leading. Do you really want to spend the rest of your life with him?

Three, start looking at your business again. Just look at some small areas and think about what you can do. When you get tired stop, but go back regularly and often, even if only for short times. I think you will find your passion for this project will re-ignite.

Would love you to write back with your comments.

Warm regards

Mary

[Neil_1]

Dear Samantha

Like White Rose, I too would like to welcome you to Beyond Blue and to thank you for your post.

White Rose has provided a great response back to you and I agree with all that Mary has suggested to you.

The things I would like to mention relate to how you’re feeling and how it seems predominately caused by the mis-trust that this guy has displayed.  The emptiness, the loss of connection, the trust, the enjoyment – it’s all been shattered and I believe, rightly so as well.  It would take something monumental for this guy to do to win back your affection.

So as a result, this has spiralled you downhill.  So what can we do to try to get things moving in a positive fashion?  Well only you can be the one to determine whether you continue with this guy or not – but as White Rose suggested – what is it NOW that this guy has that you like?  You did say that you had a 5-month break, which didn’t help any.  May I ask though, when you had the break;  during that time, did you feel better?

The other thing to try to slowly get back doing is your business.  When I first read about you creating an events management company, I was blown away.  For someone of just 22yo and to be running such a business, I don’t know you and yet I was proud of you for what you achieved.  And wow, that is something that you need to remember and to look back on, because you know that you have the ability to do this and I firmly believe that you’ll get this happening again.  But as White Rose suggested at this current time, just take it in bite sized chunks – little steps, but I do believe you’ll get it all back, when your mojo returns.

I’m guessing the plane tickets are non-refundable?   I’m not so good with advice on this – but if you’re absolutely 100% sure you can’t go, do things like this ever go on Ebay??   Just as an option – if you definitely can’t go – and to save you from losing out financially, is there an option where you could sell them?   This might be a silly suggestion, as I’ve got no idea about the transferability of previously purchased plane tickets, but just thought I’d suggest it.

Would love to hear back from you.

Neil

[SamanthaCam]

Thank you so much for taking the time to reply to me, it really means a lot.

I guess im staying with him because I know he tries hard to understand to see where im coming from and he does love me and I know in my heart he does, but I just feel empty in every aspect and I don't want to let my inability to feel emotions let me ruin something great thati have but cant see clearly.

Ive always been mature and liked to somewhat plan my life, as much as it could be of course.
Ive dreamt of going new York and overseas in Miami to this amazing cruise and have worked 3 jobs at once during stages to save for my American dream trip then id come back home start saving again, try and buy a house and settle down/
Well that was the plan I guess, but now all I think of doing is going to America alone, and on this cruise
Not sure if its to escape things, or me being stubborn as I hate relying on others to get things done.

During the break It didn't change things, sometimes it just made me frustrated that he couldn't see where I was coming from and his lack of trying to talk to me, even though I told him not to as I wanted to be 100% alone.
I know I sound silly, and my problems are probably minor compared to others

but everything keeps me awake at night, at work im distracted, I cant function, all I want is to know what to do, I just want to be sure of a decision and make it

Ive been to my gp and have been to see counsellors and phyc's but have honestly found them useless, they listen but don't understand and I walk out feeling worse than I walked in.

[SamanthaCam]

Thanks Neil, for your kind words it really means a lot that people whom I don't know seem to put so much effort into talking and listening to me when people in my life don't seem to.
I tried telling my mum that ive been feeling depresses and don't know who I am and her response was "we all have problems "
and I just walked away

Yeh im trying to sell my flight tickets, but no luck as of yet, im debating going alone for 1-2 weeks just to get away but im scared that once there ill regret it and end up coming back home to a worse of situation

but this trip ive worked so hard for I feel like I should do something for my self shouldn't it ? since I bought my boyfriend for his birthday months ago a trip to Sydney 5 star and then tickets to meet stan lee (the creator of all Marvel movies, not sure if you know who he is)
Like I feel like I put in so much effort still cant believe how he betrayed me, and since then ive let him lean on me to cry when I said I wanted a break, listen to him tel me how he wants to spend his life with me and how much he loves me, and usually id feel sympathy or something I guess, but I felt empty and used as I was going through so much, he was the one that hurt me and I ended up comforting him. Ive never met anyone so caring and loving and in my generation and people my age i find it hard enough to find someone who has a stable job let alone the same morals as me.  And thank you for complimenting my success it means a lot to be acknowledged

i just don't know what to do now, the 5 month break we had didn't really effect me because i ignored all the problems and was working 6am till 11pm everyday managing 2 jobs and preparing for my expo thati had no time to think about my personal life i guess

[Shadow_Ray]

Hi, I'm kinda having the same kind of problems you have with your parents. I'm only 13 and I'm already having problems with depression. I feel like my family hates me, they always criticise everything i do. But the thing i hate most is the fact that they hate my best friend. I have a really nice friend that i love very much but they hate her like everything.

Just hoping that all goes well for you. Although some people in this world are very inappreciative of the things we do, there are and always will be the good people in this world like that White Rose and Neil guy. I'm sure all will go well for you.  

[White_Rose]

Hello Samantha

Sorry not to reply earlier. Life has been a bit fraught for a couple of days.

Your difficulties are not silly. We do ourselves a great disservice by comparing our lives and problems to others. This is your heartache and nothing to do with anyone else. Others have their problems which are their concerns, not yours. In this instance, size really does NOT matter.

I understand the feeling of nothingness. Been there, done that, got the tee shirt. Not a good place to be. It has been my experience that this lack of feeling does not go away because someone tries to understand. It is blindingly obvious to the people who have responded to you, and probably to those who have read your post but not responded, and we have never met you. Your explanation is sufficient. So I believe that if your BF cannot understand your grief, anger and disappointment now he never will.

And this concerns me for your future. People stay together because they want to be together. This implies trust, common beliefs or standards and care. This man sounds manipulative, a taker with no thoughts of responsibility. He may claim to be insecure which is why he searches your private world, but do you want to live with this?

You obviously work hard and have saved to go on holiday, which I gather has had no contribution from the BF. Does he not have a job? What does he do with his money? Are you going to support him for the rest of his life? My dear, I feel I am being very direct which may hurt or offend you. I really want you to try and look at the shape of the future with him.

Please do not stay because you fear there will be no one else. I met my husband at 25. Had a great life before that. You have so many plans and ideas, places to go, things to see. Please give yourself more credit. You are valuable and talented. A five month separation while you are so depressed will not answer anything. Whether or not you get help, get well before you restart this relationship. Once you are happy again you will be able to make a good decision, whatever the decision becomes.

One of the many downsides of depression is the inability to see clearly. Decisions tend to be emotionally driven from our need to have someone in our lives. I know it is hard because I have been there. As I said in my first post, I am making a similar decision and at first I was reacting to my need. Now that I am so much better I can see the issues clearly and I have made my decision based on reality.

Out of word space.

Mary

[White_Rose]

Hello Shadow

Sorry that you are having difficulties. Welcome to Beyond Blue and thank you for posting. It's great that you have offered support to Samantha.

May I suggest that you start a thread under Young People. This way we can answer you personally without getting your issues mixed up with Samantha's issues.

I would like to talk to you there.

Regards

Mary

[SamanthaCam]

Hi Shadow, Thanks for reaching out
I know how you feel, I have felt disconnected from my parents for as long as I could remember. We live in the same house, I get home from work at 3pm and everyone is already home by this stage, and from 3pm till about 10pm when I sleep im lucky if I speak about 5 words at anyone all night. and this is a daily occurrence.
The only adice I could give to you at this stage in regards to this is, our parents morals and what they deem as "important" will differ to what we deem as important, I was working 16 hour days at some stage and they still found ways to fault me.
All we could do in this situation I guess is try to keep our morals in mind and not let what ever they throw at us effect us. But yes there are ALOT of unappreciative people in this world
Hope It goes well for you

[SamanthaCam]

Don't apologize for not replying sooner, the fact that you replied in the first place means a lot as I thought getting any replies at all was a long shot.

I just find it so hard that I once pictured my life with him, and now im not bothered by anything my attitude is meh *shoulder shrugs*

at the time we bought the flights he had no job but paid for his own tickets, and we didn't book anything other than the flights because he coulnt afford it, and this put a lot of stress on me as places were getting booked out and we could no longer stay at hotels etc as there were no vacancies, he then realised what he was doing and lack of employment was hurting me so worked harder to find a job, and now he has one.

And now he wants to take me away for a weekend to clear my mind and to bond with me like we used to, laughing relaxing and etc

but im not sure if that's a good idea, im not sure about anything to be honest. I just don't know whats a good step to take now with him that will help me deal with my self, and mend us or move on.
I don't really have anyone else to talk to and I know hes always there but I cant let this keep dragging on and each day seems to be getting harder and harder