Lost & Confused

[Guest11]

Hi guys after some advice here, I also just need to get some things off my chest and posting here is easier than trying to talk to people.

I practically spent all last year in a numb, apathetic state where I completely lost interest in everything important to me and I also avoided interacting with friends and family unless I absolutely had to. I spent my days distracting myself in any way possible and my nights were spent lying in bed just waiting and hoping that I'd fall asleep so my mind would stop wandering.

Mid December I started to feel a little bit better, probably because christmas was coming and I knew I was going to be spending it with my family. I felt like things were getting back on track and that I'd be ok again. Come late January, early February I felt miserable again for no reason I can think off. I remember one night broke down into tears one night for no reason, alone in my room. Nothing had triggered it, but on and off after that I had more cry spells and I felt terrible some days. I couldn’t sleep very well after that, and I sleep very little now.

Lately I've noticed that I've become somewhat worse, and sometimes I become very emotional when in public places and I feel as if I can’t hold it in. My health has also suffered I rarely sleep, I get migraines and have probably gained around 10 kilos. 

I don’t feel like I can trust anyone enough to tell them about how I’ve been feeling, although I think my stepmother suspects something is not right, even so I just can't bring myself to talk about it. I have no close friends; I haven't spoke to to most of them in a while and my so called best friend abruptly dropped contact for reasons unknown. I feel that even if I were stll close to any of them, I still couldn’t tell them

I've been to see a GP and had a mental health plan prepared, and saw a psychologist once (second appt in 2 weeks) 

I just don't know what is wrong, I remember periods of feeling down and depressed constantly for months at a time, other times I remember feeling on top of the world. Like I was invincible or nothing could stop me.

[Scott_Depression]

Hey Flux

Yep - sounds pretty normal to me that you need to go back to GP for review.  Well done - you're doing great

Sounds like classic Bi Polar to me, and all too familiar!

Man, it can feel good when you're feeling invincible, but the lows are horrendous!

I like the new avatar - hard to tell from a little picture, but is that your arm tattooed?  I got my first (and at this stage only) tattoo last December.  Got the following phrase on my left forearm:

We are going to die, and that makes us the lucky ones. Most people are never going to die because they are never going to be born. Certainly those unborn ghosts include greater poets than Keats, scientists greater than Newton.  It is you and I, we privileged few, who won the lottery of birth against all odds

This is an abridged quote from Richard Dawkins.  I like it as it reminds me that life is precious and speaks to the times I've struggled with depression, without being too overt.

That artwork in your picture looks great - is it your arm? Hard to see the detail, but what's the art about?

Kind regards

Scott

[Flux_amp_Flow]

It sucks but i'd be nice to get an official diagnosis, so that it can be treated and managed. 

Thanks, I've had this image on my laptop for a while now I really like it. 

Nice quote Richard Dawkins is one of my favourite authors, scientists and one of the reasons I wanted to study science. 

It's not my arm, I found it on Tumblr a while ago, its the artwork for A Day To Remember's third album, Homesick, http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/en/7/79/AdaytorememberHOMESICK.jpg

When I do finally get my first tattoo I'm going to get something like the one in profile picture. I've just always loved that album and the artwork. 

[Flux_amp_Flow]

Hey Scott, 

The more I read people's stories and the more I research the topic it seems logical to me that I probably have it, but I need the official diagnosis from the doctors to be sure. 

It's a tattooed arm, but it's not mine. It's the cover art for A day to remember's album homesick. It's one of my favourite albums and I just love the cover art. I get a tattoo sometime in the near future and that's what I'm going to get. 

Love that quote, Richard Dawkins is one of my favourite authors and scientists, I've read a few of his books and I'd say it was huge factor in me wanting to study science. 

Here's one of my favourite quotes - After sleeping through a hundred million centuries we have finally opened our eyes on a sumptuous planet, sparkling with color, bountiful with life. Within decades we must close our eyes again. Isn’t it a noble, an enlightened way of spending our brief time in the sun, to work at understanding the universe and how we have come to wake up in it? This is how I answer when I am asked—as I am surprisingly often—why I bother to get up in the mornings.

I've got my next appointment in two days, I'll update a little while after.

Take Care 🙂

[Scott_Depression]

Hey Flux

Great post, and love the quote - beautiful!

Not sure if you're aware of TED Talks?  The TED stands for Technology, Education, Design & they're basically pretty amazing talks given by pretty amazing people.  I came across one the other which I thought was pretty brilliant.  It's a little kooky in the first few minutes, but stick with it - just gets better & better:

Andrew Solomon: Depression, the secret we share

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-eBUcBfkVCo

Hope you enjoy it!

Kind regards

Scott

Andrew Solomon: Depression, the secret we share

Andrew Solomon: Depression, the secret we share

Andrew Solomon: Depression, the secret we share

Andrew Solomon: Depression, the secret we share

[Flux_amp_Flow]

Thanks, it posted twice because I put a link in the first one and I thought it never posted lol. 

I've heard of TED talks, I've watched a few before I'll have to check that one out. 

I've just not long finished my psych appointment, I told him about what I said in one of my previous posts and I've got to do some mood assessment program on the black dog website where I have to log in with this code and they send the results to the psychologist. 

[Scott_Depression]

Hey - that sounds good.  Never been to Black Dog website - I'll go and have a look.

Did you leave the psych appointment feeling satisfied? 

Hope it went well...

Sorry I've not been on last couple of days - lots of work commitments and started some exercises

I'll be back!!

Kind regards

Scott

[Flux_amp_Flow]

Hey Scott, 

Yes, it was satisfying, because I seem to be getting to the bottom of this whole situation. Now the waiting game until my next appointment. 

Just gotta keep busy until then, 

Thanks 

[Scott_Depression]

Hey Flux

Hope you had a great weekend, and studies are treating you well - guess you're getting ready for exams!

This week I started doing Ju Jitsu classes - grappling & rolling on the mat with others.  Getting thrown about like a rag doll at the moment!  Despite the sore muscles and bruising I'm having a ball - looking forward to more this week.

Hope you're keeping busy & doing well

Kind regards

Scott

[Flux_amp_Flow]

Hey Scott, 

I've been alright, just feeling a little indifferent towards everything at the moment, hopeful the psychologist has the results of my tests. I go back on the 12th. 

Uni is going good, exams are in a few weeks, I've also been doing some serious thinking and have decided to change my degree, when I started I loved environmental science and field work but I miss doing Biomedical Science far more, I definitely enjoy being in a lab working rather than outdoors or the time. I've put in the transfer so I'm waiting to see what happens here. 

Good for you! sounds pretty intense, hope it's going well. Do you earn belts like you do in karate?

I've started the couch to 5k program because I want to lose a little weight and get back into running again, like I used to when I was younger. Sometimes my legs feel like they are going to fall off but it's going to be worthwhile. 

Until next time, take care. 

[Scott_Depression]

Hi Flux

So sorry it's been a while - can't believe it's been a whole week!  

Ju Jitsu is still going strong!  Got beat up in class by a girl on the weekend!!  ha ha we were wrestling on the ground and I asked her if she happened to have 8 older brothers - we had a bit of a laugh - good fun!  Yes - you can earn belts & all that - I think it's about 10 years to earn a black belt, so the race is on!!

Big decision on uni - very gutsy - well done! I honestly believe it's an awesome decision.  I remember when I change degree - had some of my family being less than supportive - pretty tough time.

The couch to 5k sounds like a challenge - how long have you given yourself to run 5k?

How's your mood at the moment?  Traveling ok?

I'll be back soon!

Scott