I don't understand why my depression returns

[HelenM]

My name is Debs and I'm 54. I'm coming on here in some anxiety. Can people answer my question and more importantly will my situation warrant the support I need, even the 'there, there' answers would help and obviously no reply doesn't. However it is the case that my depression doesn't need the help many people need.

So. 12 years ago I suffered a severe depression that was a living hell. I was gradually recovering when two years later I went into another, not just as bad, due to something happening. From there on I've been suffering from recurrent depression, sometimes with a few months between and once I had a years break.  At the end of January I woke one morning feeling low and there it was back. It is mild and has been getting milder over the years. But it is messing up my life because most of the time everything is an effort. I am no longer able to work (that's been for 6 years now) and so help in a charity shop which is a big help and distracts me quite well. I have a really good husband, good friends. My kids are grown up and I have 2 little grandsons. When I'm well I'm very happy and over the years have adjusted to a more limited lifestyle. But I can never reconcile myself to these episodes of depression. I can never feel confident they will pass and when I ask people how they know I'll get better they say 'because you always do'. The pattern of the depressions changes every so often; in length and anything between solid depression to good week/bad fortnight. Just now it's occasional good day.  

I take medication and can't have it increased. I've been told it's working (which I believe) and that these episodes are part of my chronic depression. By the way it usually comes for no reason. In fact life had been going very well prior to this episode. So, is it chemical. If it is what makes it go right again. If anyone knows I'd love the answer. Whilst I know there aren't any guarantees I respond quite well to logic.  As I've already said I feel uncomfortable. I know this is minor. But right now I'm wishing I could fast forward my life so that it was over and I could go in peace.  

[HelenM]

I would really appreciate a reply.  Everyday feels like a heavy weight to carry. Despite all these years of depression I still feel lost and broken when it returns. If I hadn't experienced depression at it's worst I would not believe this is mild. Life's crap. Can someone please answer. Debs

[Pixie15]

Hi Debs,

I don't really know why your depression returns. You say you are on medication and I know this is a long term prospect for some people including my partner. What else have your tried? Have you thought about your diet and exercise or have you considered counselling? 

[HelenM]

Hi Gratefultoday,

Regarding exercise. Until about a month ago I was going to the gym but have injured my knee -seeing the doc about it this week. I would say exercise helps though it didn't stop the depression coming back. Maybe though it would have been worse without it.

I've had lots of counselling which has helped loads. It's all been cognitive based which was appropriate as my way of thinking caused my depression to begin with.

Diet - well I should cut down on chocolate.

Thanks for answering, Debs

[ProfessorDepressor]

Hi Debs,

This is my first post, I thought you needed a reply or two. perhaps Im not gonna be the best help coz Im suffering from reoccurring/ongoing depression too. You've probably heard of lots of techniques for overcoming depression, like looking after yourself and so forth, which can be hard when your depressed. Maybe you could, make some kind of reminder of all the good things in your life, sounds like you have an understanding husband and children and grandchildren. Although it is obvious to say be thankful, Im suggesting a more conscious scrapbook or place where you can feel all the positive things, you have, and have achieved. If you force yourself to acknowledge these things in the morning, perhaps that may steer your morning mood a little toward the positive spectrum.

All the best

[lazybeetle]

Hi Helen,

Sorry to hear that you're experiencing recurrent episodes of depression. It is frustrating that there is still so much we don't understand about depression and many other mental illnesses. Whether is a biochemical imbalance, whether it begins with negative thoughts, whether it's genetics, or some combination of all of it.

I have often asked the same questions. I went through a terrible period of depression in my early 20s, when most people are having the best time of their lives. For some reason I was terrified of medication, (in hindsight I shouldn't have been), so I went with psychotherapy.

I had many relapses and sometimes I had given up on ever feeling happy again. But then gradually, the episodes became shorter, I was getting over them quicker. i didn't need to attend so many sessions. And for weeks I'd forgotten I had the problem. The weeks became months and my last session was about 2 years ago.

In between there were definitely moments of feeling low. I am much better at catching myself early, so I do all the right things to get myself back on track before things snowball. I think this has been the most important thing. The other thing I do is alert my partner when I feel unwell, so together we keep watch and become incredibly disciplined in taking steps to avoid slipping into depression.

I think of depression as a chronic illness. I am currently in remission, but it doesn't mean I will always be well. However, I do not despair at what may or may not happen in the future. Mindfulness has taught me that. I think the concept of being in the present and taking each moment as it comes is truly important. 

It is hard to think that you will feel better again when you're in the midst of a depressive episode. The old saying "this too will pass" always gives me hope when I feel like that. It makes me treasure the happy moments and rescues me from despair during the sad ones. I also try to remember that if I believe I will get better, then that belief will actually help me get better. The mind is a powerful thing.

The depression is in our brain/mind. Whilst we do not have access or direct control of its biochemicals, but we do have control over the thoughts. I think my therapist told me once that they have done fMRI studies to should that psychotherapy such as CBT can actually change your brain biochemistry/physiology. That's a very powerful thing.

And don't forget to be kind to yourself. Hang in there! Don't give up hope!

All the best

LB 

[HelenM]

Hi Professor Depressor

Thanks for your reply and I'm sorry I didn't answer sooner but until tues I was having a few better days and so I forgot all about the site.

I'm glad I've gone back on. I think your idea of a scrapbook is good. I've never fancied keeping a diary which is what people often suggest.

I don't know how long you have been coping with depression but as you know it's a hard slog.

Hope to speak to you again.

Thanks Debs

[Paws4Thought]

Hi Debs, Hope you're having a really good day! 

Today was the first time I've looked at Beyond Blue's site. I then registered because I read your post.  I felt almost relieved that I'd finally found someone else going thru the same good day / bad day rollercoaster ride that I'm on. Of course, I also feel empathy and sadness for what you're having to go thru' and I really do hope you're getting more good days than bad now.

I'm 53 and I've been diagnosed with severe depression (around 3 years ago).  I'm still on loads of meds, have had several ECT sessions, have regular medical support but still, after all this time, I seem to just suddenly fall apart for no particular reason. I haven't been able to work for 3 years but - on the good days/weeks - I feel like I should because it feels there's nothing wrong with me - almost like I'm scamming myself. Then I'll have a 'dip', and suddenly I can't even get my brain/mind to work enough to manage to shower or dress. Then come days, maybe weeks, of living in my PJs, sleeping lots, watching TV, and basically giving up because I can't get myself thinking, moving, or really anything - even understanding TV shows can be too difficult. The only reason suicide is not the logical option is due to a solemn promise to my husband. But the thing is, I don't want to die - I just don't want to live like this. 

I've always loved life and people have known me as an optimist. I've never understood how anyone cannot be amazed at the beauty of nature, how dappled sunshine or sand at the beach or birds in the trees don't give an immediate smile to everyone. Now tho', on the bad days, I just feel guilty because I can't feel that joy. 

Sorry Debs. This has become my whinge rather than a message of good luck girl, you're not alone, keep on keeping on, etc.  I'd say that LB's quote of "this too will pass" is one of the best things to remember. Like you, I wonder whether it's just chemicals or what?!  Should I sleep because that can make me feel better, or do I push myself which usually wipes me out. Only thing I know for sure is that, for me, keeping it totally simple usually seems to help. Start the day in a happy, peaceful way. I enjoy a lovely cuppa on the back verandah. Give Yourself time for Yourself - it's allowed!  Hopefully it can help you and even those around you too. 

So, good luck and thank you - your post has given me enough motivation to get myself moving forward again.  THANK YOU SO MUCH!!!

Good luck!

[HelenM]

Hi lazybeetle and paws4thought

I've only just seen your posts. I found both of them really helpful. I seem to be quite random re using this site and only wish I'd seen them sooner.

This too shall pass is an excellent saying that I'd forgtotten. I'd like to try mindfulness but the book I bought suggests it's not ideal whilst actually ill.

Thank you both so much

[Onion33]

Hi Deb.

 Thanks for your post. I agree that it is a hard thing to understand why it just comes back. 

For me, mindfulness meditation (alongside antidepressants) has really helped. Perhaps you could see if anyone in your area teaches this. It has really changed how I interact with my thoughts. The book "The  Happiness Trap" also describes some similar techniques. Now when my thoughts try to convince me that I'm anxious, I remind myself they are just thoughts. My thoughts and I are not one and the same. This stops me from getting paniced and buying into my thoughts. 

Wishing you well. Sounds like you have lots of people who love and support you