Lost & Confused

[Guest11]

Hi guys after some advice here, I also just need to get some things off my chest and posting here is easier than trying to talk to people.

I practically spent all last year in a numb, apathetic state where I completely lost interest in everything important to me and I also avoided interacting with friends and family unless I absolutely had to. I spent my days distracting myself in any way possible and my nights were spent lying in bed just waiting and hoping that I'd fall asleep so my mind would stop wandering.

Mid December I started to feel a little bit better, probably because christmas was coming and I knew I was going to be spending it with my family. I felt like things were getting back on track and that I'd be ok again. Come late January, early February I felt miserable again for no reason I can think off. I remember one night broke down into tears one night for no reason, alone in my room. Nothing had triggered it, but on and off after that I had more cry spells and I felt terrible some days. I couldn’t sleep very well after that, and I sleep very little now.

Lately I've noticed that I've become somewhat worse, and sometimes I become very emotional when in public places and I feel as if I can’t hold it in. My health has also suffered I rarely sleep, I get migraines and have probably gained around 10 kilos. 

I don’t feel like I can trust anyone enough to tell them about how I’ve been feeling, although I think my stepmother suspects something is not right, even so I just can't bring myself to talk about it. I have no close friends; I haven't spoke to to most of them in a while and my so called best friend abruptly dropped contact for reasons unknown. I feel that even if I were stll close to any of them, I still couldn’t tell them

I've been to see a GP and had a mental health plan prepared, and saw a psychologist once (second appt in 2 weeks) 

I just don't know what is wrong, I remember periods of feeling down and depressed constantly for months at a time, other times I remember feeling on top of the world. Like I was invincible or nothing could stop me.

[Flux_amp_Flow]

Hey Scott, 

Glad to hear it's going well. Haha, I've got a few older female cousins and siblings. I know the feeling. Ten years is a long time but it'll be worth it in the end. 

Thank you, I actually got my offer this morning, I woke up at 2 in the morning and decided to check my email and I had gotten an offer, pretty excited. I really feel like a change, It's in Sydney so I'm moving back home, near my mum, family and friends. 

The program goes for 8 weeks, but I'm repeating a few days here and there just to be safe. My end goal is to run 5k every morning, like I used to. 

My mood had been pretty stable, except for a few run-ins with my dad's wife, who I live with at the moment, but only for a couple of weeks now. I've tried for over 10 years to like her and accept her for who she is but I'm giving up, I just can't. 

Quite frankly, she's not someone I need to be around. I don't need all the bitterness and negativity that she gives, she's also not a nicer person, and that's putting it lightly. I'll tolerate her when I'm around my dad though.

I've got my appointment withe the psych tomorrow, I think he may have the results of my mood assessment tomorrow. I'll post back after. 

Thanks for taking the time to reply, 🙂 

[Flux_amp_Flow]

Hey, 

just thought I'd update about the psychologist session I had yesterday. Apparently the results of the mood assessment point towards me being Bipolar II but he did mention that the results of the test weren't definitive and that more tests would need to be done to clarify or something. 

Who would even diagnose something like that, the GP? He also said that I'd probably benefit from being on meds, but I guess the doctor would decide that when I go for the review after the 6th appointment. 

[Scott_Depression]

Hey Flux

I'm back & grovelling for forgiveness - I know it's not great but I'm been swamped at work - struggling to get on BB as much as I need at present.  I sincerely apologise.

Congrats on the offer - what an outstanding result!! Sounds like it'll be great for your mental health too - be great to be near to mum, family & friends - whats the timing of the move?

Hear what you're saying of your dad wife.  I honestly believe that you simply cannot get along with everyone.  I'm a pretty easy going person, but some people just grate on me.  I tend to be able, like you, to tolerate them, and think that's all you can realistically expect.  Try not to stress about it - maybe when you move out you'll find it easier when you see her.  I know when I've lived with mates in past, I've been driven batty by some of the things that I found annoying, but when I moved out & visited again it's no big deal.

Yeah - not sure what to make of that mood assessment.  Thinking about it, I'd imagine that, rather than referring to GP, it'd go to a psychiatrist - they'd be better equipped to diagnose these tests - have more expertise that a GP or psychologist.  I'm interested to find out what's happened.

Are you sticking with the running program?  Hope it's all good.  Are you in a hilly area or get a fairly flat run?

Again, I'm really sorry for not being back regularly enough of late - am trying to sort it out!

Kind regards

Scott

[Flux_amp_Flow]

Hey Scott, 

That's ok, haven't really been online lately, thank's for replying though. 

Thank you, I'm looking forward to a fresh start, I start uni again on the 28th of July so I'll make the move a few weeks before then.

You're spot on about my dad's wife and other people in general, just tolerate them to keep the peace. My next psych appointment isn't until early August, I'd have already moved by then and will have to travel back for the appointment, which the psych said he will give the results to the GP, I'm hoping I can get it done on the same day, although I don't really see that happening. 

The psych did tell me that the tests were not 100% accurate diagnostic tests and that the GP and maybe other doctors would need to do more testing. 

To be honest I haven't ran for a week and a half since I've had the flu pretty bad, but I'm definitely getting back into it once I'm feeling better. Where I live is a little bit of both, don't mind the hilly areas though just running on flat surfaces gets a bit boring. 

It's all cool, thank's again and take care 🙂

[Scott_Depression]

Hey Flux

Sounds like you've pretty much got things worked out!  Great work!

Tough time of year to stay well - inevitable you end up crook for at least a bit.

I'm so pleased things are working out for you at the moment - you've really taken control and made some great decisions

I'll keep checking on you - sing out if you have any questions

Kind regards & big hugs

Scott

[Flux_amp_Flow]

Hi Scott, 

I think things are going great at the moment. It sucks it's the first time I've gotten the flu in many years, it's terrible. If someone close to me gets sick I'll usually get it after they get over it lol. 

Thanks, I will. How have you been doing? 

Take care

[Scott_Depression]

Hi Flux

I'm doing pretty great too right now - no complaints here!

Rest up - just take it easy & you may get better quicker

Glad you're doing well.  While you're feeling well, it's probably a good idea to keep on top of any appointments, etc - make hay while sun shines, as they say

I'm really thrilled you're doing well

Warm regards

Scott

[Flux_amp_Flow]

Hi Scott, 

Glad to hear it, physically I'm feeling better now, emotionally not so much as of yesterday. 

I'm not sure if I've said it previously, but my step dad has cancer and has had for a few years, only recently it's become more aggressive and spread to other areas. 

I've known for a while that he is eventually going to die and I thought I had prepared myself for this when the time eventually comes, and I've gone through my great aunt and my grandmother dying from cancer in the span of 5 years. 

I remember not really feeling anything when my great aunt died and I was there by her bed when she passed, don't get me wrong I was upset greatly, but I didn't cry at her funeral. I remember crying when I was alone at home. I guess I've never really shown emotion in front of others, except for a my grandmothers funeral I couldn't contain it. It confuses me still, as I was never close with her and she definitely had her favourite grand children. 

Back to my stepdad, I suppose what I'm most upset and even angry at is the fact that my two younger sisters will lose their dad, much sooner that most will. My sisters are 16 and 10 years old, how do you tell a 10 year old that her father is going to die? My oldest sister knows and has known for a while that it is coming. She knows and although she doesn't show it I can tell she's going through tough times, as any child would. 

I don't really know how to feel, how to react towards others when they tell you how sorry they are. I don't know if I ever will.

[Scott_Depression]

Hi Flux

Again, apologies for being away - been working long hours & lots of  commitments - I'm sorry.

Sorry to hear of your step father - I can definitely understand why you'd be upset at the thought of such young girls losing their dad.  I don't think you've mentioned this before (though I might be wrong) - I'm shocked - you're just a couple of years out of school too, so don't underestimate the impact it may have on you - make sure you fully disclose to your psych.

The 10 year old breaks my heart.  What to tell her?  Hmmmm - tough one.  I think a lot of it depends on their belief system.  I guess you need to respect whether they believe in going to heaven or otherwise.  I'm an atheist myself, so don't believe in an afterlife.  From this perspective, I'd concentrate on the positives - that her dad would no longer be in pain, that her life was so much better for spending time with him, and that you'll always carry him in your hearts forever.  Having said this, it really is going to be a challenge.  I was wondering if the kids are seeing a counselor yet to prepare?  Might be an idea

Sorry again for being away

Big hugs

Scott

[Flux_amp_Flow]

Hey Scott, 

Don't apologise, you have to take care of yourself first. Thanks for taking time to reply though. 

He had to have a few more surgeries and is taking even more meds than before but he seems ok for now, with cancer all you can really do is get more time and it's amazing that he's still kicking on seeing as the doctors initially only gave him a few months and that was over two years ago. 

It's just hard when when he takes a turn for the worst and then bounces back again. I hope this doesn't sound wrong but I'd rather him be gone and free of pain and worry. 

I'm an Atheist too, I think the idea of an afterlife sound great but I have never believed that there is anything beyond death. My family are religious though, so I respect their wishes. 

I'm not sure what's going through my sisters' heads at the moment, they're pretty mature for their ages and I think with the support of everyone in our family is good and will help them through the tough times ahead, whether they come sooner or much later in the future. 

My situation that I'm currently in isn't so good, I was at home (dad's house) and my dad and his wife were going on holiday for a week and I was alone in the house, my dad's wife asked if anyone was going to be coming over and I said no one is and that I had not organised anything, rather I just wanted to enjoy a few days alone. 

My 10 year old sister was visiting her older brother (my step) about 40 minutes away and my mum was going to drive from Sydney to pick her up but I said she could spend a few days with me since my mum was busy. 

I wasn't going to tell my dad and his wife as I know she would carry on and make a big deal out of nothing. 

At night  we were going to cook dinner and she rang and told me not to use the stove as it was brand new, she instead told me to use some portable gas cooker from the cupboard. This is when it all went bad. 

The cooker was faulty and caught fire, I luckily managed to put it out and we were not hurt, only a few of the vertical blinds were burnt. 

I rang my dad to tell him what had happened and Mary (wife) answered the phone as she always does and wouldn't let me speak to him and demanded that I tell her what was happening. So I did, she was not one bit concerned for our safety, didn't ask us whether we were hurt. All she cared about was knowing whether the house was damaged and if her cooking appliances on the bench top were damaged.