I am new to this site, but am glad I found it, it is a chance to connect
with people who know what I feel and wont treat me as though they are
sick of my whinging. Well I hope not. I am 46 years old. It seems I have
spent most of my life pretending e...
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I am new to this site, but am glad I found it, it is a chance to connect
with people who know what I feel and wont treat me as though they are
sick of my whinging. Well I hope not. I am 46 years old. It seems I have
spent most of my life pretending everything is great. but about 4 years
ago I couldnt do it anymore, I lost the ability to pretend anymore, it
seems I had no control anymore. You see when I was a teenager I was
physically abused by my older brother who I loved alot. He also sexually
humiliated me in front of other boys. Alot happened. I left home at 17,
as soon as I got enough money I was gone. Then after years of travelling
around avoiding home, I finally came home and stayed. I just carried on
as though nothing had happened. I got on with life. Then just over 4
years ago I began to have memories coming back all the time, they where
always there but this time they seemed to take over my days and nights,
becoming clearer and clearer. I woke up one day in the hospital, I had
experienced a seizure apparantly. From that moment on I continued to
have all sorts of seizures, some they say perhaps are psycogenic
non-epileptic. When I had these particular moments I would feel a terror
come over me, and a strong sense of what my brother had done. Sounds
weird I know, but apparantly during these I look incredibly scared. My
brother and I had a talk about this and I expressed how I feel about him
and how I had spent my life pretending and feeling guilty if I brought
our experience up. Secretly over the years everytime something bad
happened to him in his life I would feel a sense of joy, then guilt
because I felt that. It was an awful way to live. But I managed to have
2 kids, marry and finish a degree in nursing. Sadly my career is over
due to the depression, seizures and medication side effects. I lost my
drivers licence, I lost my independence, I became angry with my mother
and only started talking again about 6 months ago after 4 years. I have
not spoken to my brother since our confrontation. He has not bothered to
contact me at all. I ended up in a psychiatric ward as I was about to
take my life, unable to cope with the memories and the losses. I was
also diagnosed with Fibromyalgia, anxiety, of course depression, PTSD,
major depressive disorder, and now colitis and of course epilepsy. Due
to loss of income we lost our home, now recently my marriage broke down
and I live on my own with my 16 year old son staying part-time. My
daughter (21) is living out of home. I have isolated myself so much that
I have lost many friends. I stay home alot and at times cant handle
being around people. I avoid phone calls. I avoid life. I feel guilty
because I know there are so many others out there with far worse than
me. I am angry with my mother, and my siblings. I have lost so much I
feel my brother needs to pay somehow for my losses. He is happy, he his
working and holidaying with the family, he has not bothered to attempt
to make amends despite me writing to him twice to explain how I feel. I
was told the other day by my step-father perhaps I should go away and
stay somewhere so I can get help for a while. I would like to but cant
afford it. I have been asked many times do I want to pursue a civil case
against him, considering my losses. I am confused. I am scared. I am
lost. What do others think? Should I pursue this case and use it to get
proper treatment? Well thats off my chest...always good isnt it? Thank
you for reading my story so far.