Wow this is hard, I am not sure where to begin, I have just signed up to
the forum so I can talk with people experiencing issues with depression.
A little bit about myself, I am a 36 year old male living in Brisbane, I
have a wonderful wife who is so...
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Wow this is hard, I am not sure where to begin, I have just signed up to
the forum so I can talk with people experiencing issues with depression.
A little bit about myself, I am a 36 year old male living in Brisbane, I
have a wonderful wife who is so supportive and two kids both boys 8 and
4. Back in 2006 I was a pillion passenger on a motorcycle when we had an
accident, the operator miss judged where he was and we hit a storm drain
at speed, the suspension fully compressed with the weight of us both and
the chassis of the bike hit the bottom of the concrete drain on the
opposite side. Neither of us actually fell off but I suffered a 55 – 60%
compression fracture of my L1 vertebrae. I put 7mm of bone into my
spinal column, from what I understand 10mm of bone and I would have been
in a wheel chair. I spent 3 months in an upper body brace while my body
fixed what it could, I was very lucky in one way that I was actually a
defence force member and was covered for all medical expenses during
this time. I was prescribed a concoction of heavy pain killers and
anti-inflammatory’s to deal with it. Needless to say I was at the pit of
despair, my world had just been shattered, everything I was used to had
to change. The person controlling the bike during my accident had no
injuries so I was questioning why me, why did I have to break my back. I
was stuck at home unable to sit comfortably, couldn’t play properly with
my then 1 year old son, couldn’t sleep well, was highly moody and a real
pain to live with, I was so very fortunate that my wife was 100%
committed with me and took on all the extra burden of house hold duties
that she usually did and also the ones i did. She didn’t complain she
just dug in and slaved away to maintain a wonderful household and do an
amazing job of raising our son. After a couple of months I went back to
work on light duties, I could not return to being the diesel mechanic
that I was prior to the accident. A position was made for me to work in
the office (this was hard as I was a very active person and have always
enjoyed my careers being those that are hands on rather than sitting at
a desk), that controlled all the mechanical tasks on defence vehicles, I
had to have all the occupational assessments, ergonomic work station
assessments the list goes on and on, during all this i had to start
extensive rehabilitation and physio activities. The specialist were
saying that I should get back to about 80-90% of my original condition,
i would never be totally right again, the chance of it getting worse as
I got older was likely, especially once the discs in between the
vertebral body degraded I would require a spinal fusion In 2007 I was
discharged from defence as I was medically unfit to remain in service.
This was a scary part of my life, as for the first time in my life I had
no idea what path I wanted to take as the things I was most passionate
about I wasn’t capable of doing any longer. I was lucky enough to secure
a job straight away, which was amazing! Over the last several years I
have been surviving ok, well so I thought… I was able to continue with
limited exercise in the pool and light walking etc; I was managing to
keep my weight under control with meal portioning. My wife still today
does so much work at home to maintain everything; I can see that it gets
to her that she cannot keep the house to the standard she would really
like as she works full time as well. Since the injury I have been
feeling worse about the how much of a burden I was on my family even
though i was being told that i was not, I was so depressed that i could
not sit on the floor to play cars with my boys or carry them around like
a dad loves to do, and the look on their face when I said I could not
give them a piggy back was just heart shattering. We would go and do the
shopping as a family, my wife would struggle pushing the heavy trolley
around as I could not do it, then when it was time to go to the car she
would carry the heavy bags while I took the light ones, the looks on the
faces of other shoppers was like how could you allow your wife to
struggle with all that while you carry the little things. The problem is
that my injury is not visible, I hide my pain as best as I can, even
close relatives forget about the injury and ask if I can assist in
lifting something or fixing something, it is so depressing saying i
cannot and my wife would have to assist. To say it is depressing is one
thing I think it is more demoralising than anything. I have tried to
hide my feelings away from friends and family as best as possible but
last year I noticed that I was starting to crumble, I had massive mood
swings, I was so snappy and must of been so hard to live with. My wife
learnt to see my pain in my face and would give me space, but even
though I was not coping I would not admit to having depression, without
me admitting to myself that I needed help no one could tell me
otherwise. Early this year the black cloud as it is called, became all
too much and I buckled becoming an emotional wreck, not showing
affection to the people that loved me the most. Little things were
really bothering me, my kids would make or do something normal and I
would snap. It was the darkest time of my life, my family still stuck by
my side even though it must have been hell for them as much as me, to
see me so down and out when I am usually a very positive person would
have been horrible for them. I often had thoughts that it’s all too
hard… Why bother! But I realised I needed to be here for my wife and
kids. At that point I finally made the decision that I needed to get
help, I was not right I was not ok. This was my turning point, finally
admitting it, but by no means was the issues over… I wish they were. I
was given a new pain management plain, all new drugs (which I found hard
as I had tried to take as little pain medication as possible) as well as
antidepressants, the pain meds seemed to aid a little bit but sleep was
like nonexistent as I was always uncomfortable, max of about 4 hours,
this was unsustainable. So my antidepressants were upped to try and aid
in both mood and sleep. The problem was this first lot of medication was
giving me huge side effects, my head felt like I was constantly swimming
through a fog, I couldn’t do it! So I stopped them; heading back to the
doctor to reassess. It looks like i am susceptible to chemical changes
in my brain, yay for me, and no quick fix. Anyway another prescription
in hand i head off to try this new antidepressant, everything was
looking ok as we slowly built up the dose to the correct dosage,
everything was looking good after a few months the side effects were
coming back again, this time i was always hungry like painfully hungry,
I would sweat at the thought of anything above 20 degrees, it was
horrible, I was sliding back down again thinking that we would never get
this under control. My brain was a mess, the slightest thing would drive
me nuts, I was that far into despair that I believed that I may lose the
relationship with my wife as she had a very normal relationship with a
male friend (her best friend) they did fitness together and she was
happy. It was taking her mind off everything, but my black cloud was
brewing into a monster storm, I was getting into a jealous state, one
that I would normally never get to, but it wouldn’t go away. I found
that my wife and I were not communicating the way we usually did; i was
withdrawing from life itself because in my head she was having an affair
with her friend, needless to say I was mortified, I couldn’t work, I was
making mistakes everywhere, I was forgetting everything. So i took some
time off, I felt lower than low, every normal thing my head would twist
into a bad thing. Medication didn’t seem to work, my pain was increasing
it was horrible, finally one day a week after starting my time off i
snapped, i mentally broke down, I lashed out verbally about my wife’s
relationship with her friend, accusing her of having an affair and how
could she do this to our marriage, it was horrible! I was a monster!
Depression had taken over. It is now 2 weeks since I had the breakdown,
and I am doing a lot better, Instead of going absolutely crazy at me,
which she could have easily done, my wife left work for the day and put
up with me just put every little issue on the table, and every thought,
everything, and then she explained her side of the story. If she wasn’t
as strong as she was that day to weather the storm I put out I don’t
know where we would be today. We chatted at length which was so
refreshing it was like a huge weight was being lifted from my shoulders,
the rest of the day we spent together just showing that we did love each
other. This was all it took, to communicate properly and to admit that I
had issues, not bottle them up. I have found now that Family and friends
are a big part of managing depression, as it is a silent killer! I now
understand how bad it can be. I have now changed medication again and it
looks like it is working, I am starting to talk about it to all my close
friends and family instead of trying to bottle it up. It is just the
start of a long road back but at least I have started. The start of this
road has brought me here, to chat with like minded people going through
similar issues.
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