Love is tough!

[Grumpy_bum]

My name says it all, my wife has been diagnosed with PTSD and severe depression, she has been suicidal as a result of abuse by her mongrel father when she was 15. I know were it not for us that she would attempt again.

she is just the sweetest most pure of heart person who sees no bad In anyone - except the perpetrator. It is destroying her  and it is only 2 years ago that she started to become severely affected. She is having treatment which is helping.. She wants to see her father dead!

I know that I am not much help as I am a rather intolerant person when it comes to people that can't deal with their problems. Inside it is tearing me apart as she won't  communicate how she is - is this something I shouldn't insist upon but do. I just figure that if I know what is happening I can help. There have been times I have considered parting but I love her and I know what she would do were I to do that. It's tough!

She has several successful businesses overseas and travels occasionally to look after them, She is currently overseas on what was going to be a 3 week trip, didn't want me to go and now has been there for 6 weeks. I know she is sleeping most of the day and I am concerned that the drugs she is on are causing side effects that need to be addressed. I get so damn frustrated, I know she is hurting terribly and that she suffers from a lot of guilt by what she is going through and what I and our daughter feel. Supposed to be coming home tomorrow and for the life of me I don't know what I will do if she doesn't. I wanted to join her on several occasions over last few weeks but she said that wouldn't be best and she would be back soon.

I know I am controlling but this is mainly because I want her to get her treatment continuing. She is seeing a great psychiatrist and psychologist but it is early in her treatment. I didn't know what was going on for a while and she just locks up. I have had to cancel appointments I had made for her and am worried she won't make the next ones which are this week. I think she may be on a dose that is affecting her adversely as she gets the shakes,  occasionally forgets things, becomes confused, withdrawn and disoriented - does not appreciate reality. 

just how important are these sessions and am I expecting too much from these professionals?  Been suggested that I need some counselling but I am pretty old school about tht, I know what I am like and would feel very vulnerable in baring my soul!!!

I feel very selfish even putting this up as I know the problem she suffers is huge yet I am asking what I can do! To rationalize things, the most important thing in the world is for her to overcome this darkness with help, I know she cannot do it alone. However, I know I am not being much help just because of the person I am - this is the paradox, I know I should be patient, understanding, communicative, (touchy feely in other words). I am supportive though but probably in a guy sort of way.

There is 30 year age difference between us and this would have something to do with it, I know also that I mean everything to her (as well as our daughter).

If anyone has the "magic bullet" that will cure me, I would be very appreciative.

[Jo3]

Hi Grumpy Bum

You sound like a very caring husband who only wants whats best for his wife and daughter.

I am sorry to read that your wife was abused by her dad and has had suicide thoughts.  

I was sexually abused as a child (over 30 yrs ago) and memories came back to me only 3 years ago.  I was abused by my neighbour, uncle and brother at 3 separate times. I was only 9-12 yrs old.

I am now suffering depression, anxiety and struggle with all this. As well as this when I told my parents 3 yrs ago they abandoned me.

All I can say to you is be there for her, she needs you in her own time.  I know that when I have my really bad times I want to be left alone, I don't want to see or speak to anyone including my husband and 3 children.

Maybe counselling for you would be a good idea on how to handle the situation and what ways to help your wife.  My husband came to a few sessions but now doesn't bother as he says it's my problem. So thankfully I have a fantastic support from my GP and psychologist.

I wish you all the best, I understand where you're coming from and your concerns for your wife.  Take care and hope things go okay for your wife.

Jo

[Grumpy_bum]

Thanks Jo, tough when people that are supposed to care about you do the exact opposite! I feel for all who have been through that, one of life's most cruel cards.

I thought it was my wife who didnt want me around but can see through what you said that she wants to be left alone. I find this tough to handle; I'm the sort of guy who says "Give me a problem and we'll fix it". I suppose my feelings stem from absolute helplessness. I have no illusions about what she is going through but knowing/sympathizing and dealing with 'em are two seperate issues.

I have seen her normal and then I see her now. She is a tough lady but I wish she would talk to me

[Jo3]

Give her time and she will talk to you.  I find that when my husband and I go away even for a weekend without the kids, we talk, we connect again.

I wish it was an easy fix for your wife and for me and everyone else.  But unfortunately it takes time.  And we don't know how long it will take.  I've been seeing my psych for 3 yrs now weekly and I don't know how long it will be before I feel good again.  

I can understand how my husband must be feeling as well - not able to reach out and fix things and have me back the way I used to be.  

Just take one day at a time.

Good luck

Jo