Lost & Confused

[Guest11]

Hi guys after some advice here, I also just need to get some things off my chest and posting here is easier than trying to talk to people.

I practically spent all last year in a numb, apathetic state where I completely lost interest in everything important to me and I also avoided interacting with friends and family unless I absolutely had to. I spent my days distracting myself in any way possible and my nights were spent lying in bed just waiting and hoping that I'd fall asleep so my mind would stop wandering.

Mid December I started to feel a little bit better, probably because christmas was coming and I knew I was going to be spending it with my family. I felt like things were getting back on track and that I'd be ok again. Come late January, early February I felt miserable again for no reason I can think off. I remember one night broke down into tears one night for no reason, alone in my room. Nothing had triggered it, but on and off after that I had more cry spells and I felt terrible some days. I couldn’t sleep very well after that, and I sleep very little now.

Lately I've noticed that I've become somewhat worse, and sometimes I become very emotional when in public places and I feel as if I can’t hold it in. My health has also suffered I rarely sleep, I get migraines and have probably gained around 10 kilos. 

I don’t feel like I can trust anyone enough to tell them about how I’ve been feeling, although I think my stepmother suspects something is not right, even so I just can't bring myself to talk about it. I have no close friends; I haven't spoke to to most of them in a while and my so called best friend abruptly dropped contact for reasons unknown. I feel that even if I were stll close to any of them, I still couldn’t tell them

I've been to see a GP and had a mental health plan prepared, and saw a psychologist once (second appt in 2 weeks) 

I just don't know what is wrong, I remember periods of feeling down and depressed constantly for months at a time, other times I remember feeling on top of the world. Like I was invincible or nothing could stop me.

[Scott_Depression]

Hey Flux

Apologies I've not been posting much - struggling with life a little at the moment too!

Your post above was AMAZING!  It honestly brought a tear to my eye, though if anyone asks, I've been cutting onions!!  ha ha

Can't imagine the trauma of losing 3 kids - I think your mum is pretty incredible to find the positives in such an extraordinary situation!

How good it must feel to have shared with your mum - sounds like she was really positive about it too.  No need to rush into telling other people - that can wait.  Must be a load off your mind!

What's your plans now?

Kind regards & big hugs

Scott

[Flux_amp_Flow]

Hey Scott, 

That's ok, sorry to hear. Hope your doing ok. 

It was good to tell my mum, if felt like a huge relief. I don't think I'm quite ready to tell other people just yet. 

I've just been trying to keep up with uni lately and going to my psych appointments. I've had three appointments now and I think it's going well although some days are good and some are bad. My next appointment is in June but they put me on the cancellation list so I can get in quicker. 

Regarding the ex friend messaging me, my psych wants me to reply because he feels that avoiding the situation would be worse off in the long run or something, I really don't want to have anything to do with this person though. 

[Scott_Depression]

Hey Flux

Thanks for the post, and your kind thoughts!  Seems I always go a bit down in mood this time of year, but my wife is pretty awesome and let's me know when I'm acting like a bit of a twit with depression! ha ha

In all seriousness, it's so important to have support around you - people recognising when you're headed downhill are worth their weight in gold as it can mean early intervention - means the dips in mood don't go as low as they otherwise would!

I tend to agree with your psych re your 'friend'.  In first instance, do you think you could just text back and say you weren't sure if you wanted to see her, as you felt quite hurt with the way everything went in the past?  I FULLY understand you don't want make contact, but, speaking from experience I suggest you're better off contacting and know you've dealt with it.

I've heard of people in the past writing a letter to those who've done bad by them.  Maybe you should try and articulate your thoughts in a letter?  You don't have to actually give the letter to the 'friend' - might just be a good way of understanding yourself exactly what upset you about the relationship. 

What are you studying at Uni?  I started out studying science & computers, but that wasn't nerdy enough for me so I switched to accounting!! ha ha

You're doing great - glad to hear you've kept your appointments and I'm so proud you had the conversation with your mum.  Would be interested to know if she's mentioned anything since.  If she hasn't it's not a problem, just interested!

Kind regards & hugs

Scott

[Flux_amp_Flow]

Hey Scott, 

That's good, glad you have someone like your wife around you when things get tough. I decided to reply not long after posting before, I just asked the same thing my old friend did, just asked him how he was, family etc. I really don't think it's going to blossom into some big friendship again. I do feel relived though for not avoiding it. 

I've written quite a few letters in the past and then tearing them up, which was a weird way of dealing with things lol. 

I'm studying environmental science at the moment, but I'm wanting to transfer to medical science which I had previously done for a semester. I much prefer labs than field work. 

How's accounting going? My parents wanted me to study that once, not for me though. I'll be seeing my mum next week so I'm wondering how it's going to go. I'm sure it'll be fine. 

Until next time take care 🙂

[Scott_Depression]

Hi Flux

Sounds like you're doing great - well done!

Science - you must be a smart cookie!  Hard work at uni though!  My wife works in a lab (pharmaceuticals) and I think she had about 30+ contact hours per week - at the same time I did business degree with about 14 contact hours!!  Have a lot of respect for young people with discipline to do science - a very noble pursuit too!

Love the accounting!  Great thing about learning accounting is it can take you in so many different directions.  Don't do many debits and credits nowadays - pretty passionate about reporting.  Love Data Visualisation - might be of interest to you - some of them are very cool

Again, glad you seem to be travelling a little better.  Don't feel like you need to wait till you see your mum to chat - can always call her earlier if you need.

Well done re the friend - brave move - you seem to be kicking quite a few goals of late!  Make sure you give yourself a big pat on the back!

Take care - will keep checking in on you

Kind regards

Scott

[Flux_amp_Flow]

Hey Scott, 

Thank you. I don't know lol, it's just a subject I've always been naturally good at. Uni is hard work but it's worth it in the long run. 30 hours, that's a lot, the most I've ever had is about 20 I think, but I don't go to every lecture though. First year science is generally very demanding, also depends on what major you choose to do. 

I'm glad you like what you do, I've known a few people to do degrees only to realise they chose the wrong course and loathe their jobs and end up working somewhere totally unrelated to their degree or they go back to uni to do another. 

I'm actually visiting my mum this weekend, going to have a long chat sometime over the weekend. 

Thanks again, take care. 

[Scott_Depression]

Hey Flux

How are you?

Did you catch up with your mum?  I really hope it went well

Kind regards

Scott

[Flux_amp_Flow]

Hey Scott, 

I caught up with my mum last week it was pretty good. She's so understanding I'm glad I have her to turn to.

I've been feeling quite odd the past week or so, about a month or two ago I was down and out and had literally no energy all the time, over the past two weeks I think I've been averaging about 3-4 hours of sleep each night but haven't felt fatigued at all. I don't know I've been feeling abnormally good over the past few weeks, which is unusual because just a few months ago and for as long as I remember I've been quite depressed. 

[Scott_Depression]

Hi Flux!

Having that support makes the process of getting better SO much easier - incredibly important - so happy for you.

Are you still going to your psych?  Reason I ask is I wonder what your diagnosis was?

I'm certainly no expert, nor qualified, but I have been diagnosed with Bi Polar Mood Disorder - wonder if you might be same?  Being Bi Polar essentially means that you suffer Depression, but have the bonus of going through patches of being a bit 'hyper' too.  Sounds a bit like what you're experiencing now - what do you think?

It's great that you're noticing these things going on in your mood - a good sign.

Chat soon - take care

Scott

[Flux_amp_Flow]

Yeah, I'm still seeing the Psych every appointment they give me they've been putting me on the cancellation list so I can get an appointment quicker, I've got an appointment on the 27th May and 12th June. 

I've read up extensively on bipolar and other disorders over the past couple of weeks, and although I can't diagnose myself I'm thinking I may indeed be Bipolar or something similar. 

Based on what I've read I can remember periods in my life in which I can identify with some of the symptoms of bipolar and other peoples stories that I've read, 

Some things that come to mind are the following:

Epic mood swings and irritability, can't seem to stick to relationships or friend ships for more than a few years or so, spending sprees (buying stuff I didn't need just because it was cheap, binge drinking, 

I also remember periods of not getting out of bed or doing anything for months, then all of a sudden I'd feel fine, more than fine, intfact it's like you're invincible and nothing or no one can stop you you. It's a good feeling before you come crashing down again. 

I'll just have to talk to the psych next week, he said I'd have to go to a review with my GP after six session is that the norm?