It's all getting too much again

[Jo3]

I am feeling very stressed, crying and not too good. Depression is so horrible, i hate it so much. I have a shocking headache - all I want to do is hide away forever and ever or to run away as fast as I can and never be found. Going to bed after i finish here, my head hurts.

There is too much on my mind - this saturday is the auction of our home.  I am stressing about finances again, work issues and I feel I am not coping.  I need to tell someone that i am not coping, my head hurts and i just want to go away. I had a terrible emotional day yesterday at the hospital doing a session. Everything seems too hard at the moment.

It's day 10 of not speaking to my mum or dad - see they don't care about me. I may as well go, not thinking  need some sleep

 Jo

[Jo3]

Hi Mary

Thank you for replying.  I was thinking about what you wrote and no I don't love myself; I don't enjoy my own company; I feel so lost; I feel so confused. Who am I? What do I want in life? And this is why I am sure that I crave for love; I crave to be hugged - because I don't get it from anyone and it all starts from me - I need to be happy with myself; I need to praise myself - but I don't.

I find it extremely difficult to praise myself, to feel good about myself when there is nothing good to look at.  OK, maybe there is one thing I am very proud of - that is being a mum to my 3 beautiful adult children.  They are my life because all I ever wanted was to be a mum. And after 5 yrs of trying I fell pregnant.

I know I have no confidence or self esteem, I look at others and think gee I wish I was like them; or I wish I was a better person, a stronger person, a person who could stand up to people - but I'm not

I'm just an average women who is suffering a mental illness and at times it makes me so damn angry as to why me. I try not to think about it too much but sometimes the thought creeps in.

Jo

[Jo3]

So this morning at 11am we had our auction.  I was madly cleaning the house this morning and running around like a crazy woman!! Few people turned up and auction began.  Only got one bidder but nowhere near our price.  I was very nervous, excited and emotional. So it's been passed in and the agent will contact each person that came through our home and let them know the situation.  Hopefully we will still sell in the coming weeks.

We went to the other house that we were going to purchase (if we sold) and that had not one bidder.  Agent put a vendors bid in and everyone left.  We will now wait and see what happens. 

On another matter - my mum

It's been 2 weeks now that I have seen or spoken to my parents.  This afternoon (1/2 hour ago) I decided to call my mum just to see how she would react.  Well this is how the conversation went: 

Hi mum, how are you?Good how are you?

We didn't see our house today, it was passed in

Oh what do you mean, I told her it was on auction

She then says - oh I didn't know that you didn't tell me

She then asked how the kids were and then said oh well i better go

(2 min conversation)

Does she think that I was going to tell her when she hasn't phoned me for 2 weeks - NO

Did they tell me when they sold their last home and moved back to Melbourne - NO

She is so annoyed with me because she has lost the control of me and also of my sister.  I am going to see how long it takes before she calls me.

I need to have a break - I am feeling flat, exhausted.

Jo

[Jo3]

Hi Mares

No our home didn't sell.We had one bidder who was far too low in the range that we wanted.  So the agent is trying to get more out of this person, we'll see what happens.  There was also another family who were looking interested but didn't bid at all.  They told the agent they want to look around first.  So the agent will contact every person that came through our home and let them know the outcome of today's auction.

We still went to the other house on auction this afternoon.  They unfortunately or fortunately for us, had not one bidder.  There were about 50 people but not one person bid.  I still feel confident that we will sell our home soon and purchase the one we saw today.  As I was walking around inside I could feel it was ours, it's just a beautiful home and 8 min walk to the beach!!!

What will be will be. I want this move so badly now, I want a new fresh start with our life; our children's lives and have more positive energy. And this will give us some money to pay off some of our mortgage which will help us a lot.

Mares, how are you going? I often wonder about you and wish and hope that one day we could meet up with a few of the regulars on here.  How nice would that be, but somehow I don't think that will happen. It would be amazing if it did.

Pls take care Mares, you are always in my thoughts.

Jo xxx

[Jo3]

Hi thebull72

Thanks for your reply.  I am trying to stay focused and positive but today has been a mixture of both as well as emotionally draining.

I do have a fantastic therapist and a pysch that I see.  Both are supportive.

Take care and thanks again for your support.

Jo

[white knight]

Dear Jo,

Sorry to hear your house didnt sell.

Hang in there.  It never is easy selling

[White_Rose]

Hello Jo

So sorry that your house did not sell. I can appreciate how distressing this is for you. On the positive side, the house you want to buy is still available.

This is just a quick note. I want to suggest that you read a book by Susan Rose Blauner. It's called "How I Stayed Alive When My Brain Was Trying To Kill Me". The author has BPD and in her book she talks about how to manage this illness and how not to kill yourself. It is a very dense book and needs to be read slowly otherwise you will become overwhelmed.

There are ways to start learning to love yourself and to realise that you are loved, that you are worthwhile. Please try to read it and and act on some of the suggestions. Your life is so full of ups and downs that it must be like continually riding a switchback.

I believe we are all meant to be well and happy but life gets in the way. You are talking to someone who also has doubts and fears and lacks coping skills. I am struggling with this and I often wonder why I bother, but I do. The urge to live a full life is strong in all of us.

Hang in there my dear. My doctor tells me the batteries on her magic wand have gone flat so I have do the work myself. Very hard and very sad because I would like to be presented with a fait accompli, but onwards and upwards I tell myself.

Warm wishes

Mary

[Jo3]

Hi Mary

Thanks, I will look at this book.  You know it's so tough to live a happy and healthy life.  And when things start to go okay bang something else happens.

It's too easy to stay in that negative mind frame; it's difficult to praise myself or even give myself 'a pat on the back'.

Today I am feeling very flat, depressed and no motivation at all.  I could go for a walk down the beach, but don't want to; i could do the ironing - but that's boring, social with friends - no way, i am not in a good mood to even do that.  

So I am home on the couch doing nothing, i have a headache and just want to lie here. Think I need a nap to help with headache.

I will try to hang in there

Jo

[Jo3]

I hate everything at the moment.  Well okay maybe not everything but most things.  I am angry at a few people in my life and I want to escape this life.  I want to run and hide away. I really don't know what i want, well sometimes i do and sometimes I don't.  I have been feeling very flat and depressed since Saturday afternoon.  I guess I was hoping for a really positive day and when that didn't happen - bang it hit me like a ton of bricks. 

I wish i could just stay in bed and do nothing, hide under my doona.  But i got up this morning and went to work for 4 hrs.  Home now and everything is so dark, i hate this damn BPD, depression and anxiety.  It all sucks big time.

Maybe i should stop my meds and see how i feel, maybe my meds aren't helping me anymore. maybe no one can help me anymore.

i really don't know anymore.

Jo 😞

[Mares73]

My dear Jo I know Saturday was a big day & your bound to feel a level of exhaustion from all the emotions & buildup to the sale. Can you try remember how amazing it will be to get the house right near the beach that no one else bid on? Most likely you've found your new home & it's one you really wanted which is so great. I'm going to repeat Neil here who has previously asked whether you think your mess are working? Please don't just stop taking them. But I do think it's time to have a really honest talk with your psych & explain that on average you experience really low fluctuating moods most of the time. There doesn't seem to be much respite. Life is really becoming a permanent struggle. Would you agree? I'm purely saying this because I want you to feel a bit better. It concerns me how low you feel. I've been thinking of you & your struggles. What do you think? Do you think your down almost majority of time? I just want you to get the best care & support. How are you feeling today? Much love X Mares

[white knight]

Hi Jo,

I've often mentioned on this forum about being realistic. It was a part of therapy I got from an occuptional therapist in 1988 that remained with me till this day. He would ask about my thoughts that week and then each time, when he knew my thoughts spread too far he's ask that question "is that realistic"? This always allowed me to remove fantasy from real life.

In this case, Saturday was auction day. Hope was there and not much else it seems. Pure hope that you'd sell and your life would continue towards your new goal. You might not have entertained the thought of not selling and what you'd do emotionally and financially if you didnt sell.

So a strategy, a plan put into place if you didnt sell is essential. An emotional plan too.  eg  Talking to hubby you might like to plan- "if we dont sell we will take a picnic basket to the beach and work out our next step". A change of scenery, a place designated as being the next step location for decisions.  It's a matter of tokenism that doesnt cost money and it is a plan regardless of its seemingly little significance. I hope you understand what I'm saying. Another example of this is:

When my youngest daughter came back on Facebook a few months ago there was great hope her and I could finally, after years of her playing emotional games, to get it back together. But I said to my wife, this is the last time I'm giving her a chance. Her hurt and nastiness far outweighs any love I feel from her. So I told my wife, if it doesnt work out, I wont get upset and the following day we will drive up to the local hilltop and talk about it over our monthly allowance of fish and chips. We did just that when my daughter defriended me from Facebook for no clear reason and no communication at all (the norm).  I said to my wife "looks like we are having fish and chip for lunch tomorrow. She knew what I meant.

True to my word no words were discussed until we sat in our car on the hilltop. It became a place to discuss sad and hurtful issues. Rather than the lounge room. On the way down the hill we saw- a wombat (our foxy "rosie" went beserk), Rosellas and stopped to assist a lady that had a flat tyre. Things happen for different reasons!

By the time we got home I felt good. The tokenism of simply driving to the hilltop had more positives than negatives. It pigeon holed the issue of my daughter, I had restricted my time discussing it and did it away from the family home.

It's just an idea you and hubby could work on to soften the blow