It's all getting too much again

Jo3 · ‎01-10-2014

I am feeling very stressed, crying and not too good. Depression is so horrible, i hate it so much. I have a shocking headache - all I want to do is hide away forever and ever or to run away as fast as I can and never be found. Going to bed after i finish here, my head hurts.

There is too much on my mind - this saturday is the auction of our home. I am stressing about finances again, work issues and I feel I am not coping. I need to tell someone that i am not coping, my head hurts and i just want to go away. I had a terrible emotional day yesterday at the hospital doing a session. Everything seems too hard at the moment.

It's day 10 of not speaking to my mum or dad - see they don't care about me. I may as well go, not thinking need some sleep

Jo

Mares73 · ‎02-10-2014

My dear Jo I have been thinking of you. Listen it's proven that for anyone let alone someone suffering from an illness like you-that moving is in the top 10 stressor of life. You've had such a tough year & I would expect anyone to be overwhelmed at selling their family home, all the stress to the build up of auction & then finding a new home & the energy & time it takes to move in, unpack & adjust to your new environment. I only rent but each time we've had to move I haven't coped well at all-theres the whole sense of security being lost when you move homes & you've been in yours so long this was bound to be a big stress issue. I really feel for you & wish I could help you prepare & then settle in your new home. I guess the one thing to try remember is that the house your keen to buy-if you get that it could be a whole new start with new memories created. And what's the latest with your mother in law? To have respite from her would take a lot of stress away. I wish I could own my own home, I appreciate how what your going through is so tough. But once you get the new place it's yours & you should have a big say in how the home is set up. I'm worried about you but I can also see the positives in moving. Keep us up to date. I know your confidence is low but you truly are being so strong getting through this time-a time that's a major stress for anyone. I also really hope you get the other house your going to auction on Saturday. You are very very special & never far from my thoughts. I wonder each day how your going. I care so much for you. Big hugs & love X Mary

Neil_1 · ‎02-10-2014

Dear Jo

Today is a new day. Spring is definitely here. The sun is shining; the birds are chirping (don’t know about them singing – have never really heard beat out any ballad, rock song or even love song) – people are weird aren’t they.

Jo, I’m going to state something very wild here – possibly wicked – and something that might even make your head spin a bit. I hope you’re ready for it.

Jo? “Yes”, I hear you respond.

Jo, do you honestly 100% think that the medication that you are on is doing what it should be doing?? I also ask: Are you on a couple of different kinds or just the one medication? As I know you’re dealing with different types of mental health issues – I would be interested to know if your prescribing doctor only has you on one kind.

One last question: have you asked your prescribing doctor about their thoughts for whether they think your meds are working?

Jo, I’m asking all this cause I’m very concerned for you.

The constant stress, the crying, the wanting to not be here – these thoughts that you’re having seem to be a constant pattern – and hey, don’t get me wrong here, there’s absolutely nothing wrong with these feelings IF there’s not much ‘outside treatment’ happening. But I’m concerned as you’re seeking different methods of support and assistance and that is all great stuff.

So what’s got me thinking is that perhaps, just perhaps it might be the medication that you’re on is possibly not working for you. It’s just a thought from a concerned citizen. 🙂

Neil

Jo3 · ‎02-10-2014

Hi Mary & Neil

Thanks so much for your support. I haven't thought about the meds before but I am seeing my psych this Tuesday coming so I will ask him what he thinks about the meds. Maybe I do need a change, I don't know.

I can see that there is a constant pattern of me crying, being so emotional, binge eating, wanting to hide, run away, it all feels too much.

I really don't know how I am meant to feel with the meds - am I meant to be laughing a lot, feel on top of the world, have more energy - I don't know. I certainly don't feel on top of the world.

Today is another day, I went to work kept busy all day and I was okay.

I know tomorrow will be stressful and Saturday - well I can't tell you how I will be by then - I think you guys will know how I'll be on Sat.

I will be on here maybe quite a bit over the next week with everything happening I need to let it all out - good or bad - I need to tell someone.

Thanks again for listening to me.

You are so caring

your friend Jo xx

Jo3 · ‎03-10-2014

Hi Neil

I re-read your reply and maybe just maybe the meds aren't working. I didn't sleep well last night, kept waking up and having weird dreams. Day 12 of not talking to my mum; they haven't even bothered to call me to (a) see how I am, (b) see how their grandchildren are (c) see how the house sale is going. Nothing at all, I feel like I don't exist anymore, maybe that's what they want.

I had an argument with hubby last night. It really annoys me when he is not assertive in dealing with agents, banks, etc etc. I have to do it all; he won't call the bank or agents because he says I talk better on the phone than him!!!

So again, I cop all the stress and just do it. I do this for everyone and yet when I want or need something that I don't get I break down. Well maybe another hospital stay is what I need, or better still a holiday with a friend. Can't afford that, can't afford anything at the moment. God I just want to sit and cry, and now I am. i feel like everything is getting on top me again, like a huge weight pushing me down and it's so damn hard to get back up. But no one understands except you and others on here.

I'm sorry for ranting, I just need to let it all out; and let my emotions out which as you know I don't do at home when family is around.

Damn now my mascara is gone, have to apply it again and get ready for work. How on earth do I do it - I don't know. How do I go from one extreme emotion to a settled one - I don't know. All I know is that I am living on edge, on a line that could go either way.

Sorry Neil, I shouldn't dump all this on you. Better go and get ready for work, put my "happy face" on.

Jo

Neil_1 · ‎03-10-2014

Hi Jo

Time for me to have a little unload - here I go (see how many letters of the alphabet I can get?):

a) your folks are who they are; they are not going to change; and as for them wishing to find out about your kids (ie: their grandkids), even though I'm not at that time of my life now, I know, that they know that their grandkids, are actually pretty much adults of their own now - and so they more than likely won't be asking after them all the time - not as much as they may have done when they were little tackers - just a thought there - quite convoluted, I know, but hey, at least I've got you thinking 🙂

b) mascara runs when it gets wet - ie: from the application of tears to it. I'm now thinking that I must try to invent the "un-run-able" mascara; I could make a fortune;

c) as you know Jo, this is a safe place and this is a place where we can all go to unload and vent and let go - and we all know that that is so brilliant for all of us. KEEP remembering that - because you know we're always here - and you know that we all care;

d) you mentioned again that you can only vent here and not at home when family is around. You know Jo, for all that you are doing postively for yourself, I firmly believe that this is one area that is a big negative for you. You've got so much pressure and as you say, huge weights pushing down on you. You really do need an additional release - yes, you've got us here; but I believe that you should break out and create a member of your OWN family to share with. My choice for you would be your daughter; the old mother/daughter relationship - or son; son would be good too. If you're able to do that, I reckon that will help you no end - so that home won't always be a place where you feel kind of gagged where you can't unload. Home should be a place where you CAN be exactly who you are.

e) as another poster mentioned during the week, the auction will happen and no amount of worrying by you will change anything about it. May I ask (as I've never done anything in relation to home auctions before), do the owners need to be there; are they required to be there; will you be there, I guess is what I'm asking.

f) just about out of characters - so till next time. 🙂

g) Kind regards

h) Neil

Jo3 · ‎03-10-2014

Hi Neil,

I can't remember if I replied to you earlier, maybe not.

In regards to

(a) Neil, this hurts me so so much, I can't explain the pain I feel. I feel so unloved, not cared about and so not here when it concerns my parents. I have been thinking I will phone my mum next week and ask her what's wrong, why hasn't she phoned me and if there is another fight - well that's it

(b) start recreating that mascara that doesn't run!!!

(c) I will always stay on here to get some help and support. I don't have anywhere else, so I will come on here

(d) Home. OK, so I have my "on line forum family" here but I need someone from my own family where I can vent or rant. I know my daughter and I are very close, so quality time with her will, I hope, help me open up a bit more and talk.

(e) auction. yes we will be there. They have an open inspection 1/2 hr before auction, so we have to leave the house, come back 10 minutes before the auction starts and we will sit inside while bidding down outside. I will be sitting upstairs with my wine or baileys (not sure which one yet) or maybe even champagne if it sells.!!!

Wish us luck for tomorrow, I'll be back on here after the auction.

Jo

White_Rose · ‎03-10-2014

Good luck for Saturday Jo. I do hope all goes well.

Can I throw a curly one into the ring? Jo says " Yes Mary, any time".

Good, glad to hear that.

You often talk about being unloved. Do you love yourself? I don't mean in a "I've got tickets on myself" way. Just plain regard for yourself. I'm told you cannot love others and others find it difficult to love you if you have no love or regard for yourself. Make sense? It does to me. I am finding more respect and care for myself because I am not concentrating on putting myself down. Sure I make mistakes but I also do good stuff. Why do I only remember the bad things.

So I am going to admit my stuff-ups without beating myself up and give myself a pat on the back when I do something good or useful. No more pushing away compliments. I don't expect I will change overnight but I know I will not change unless I make the effort.

Regards

Mary

thebull72 · ‎03-10-2014

Hi Jo,

Just had a quick read firstly you do exist and you do have a purpose. Remember depression is a funny disease one day you can fight all the battles in the world one day you are all broken and can not function. The best way to think of it is the weather of the mind. People who are depressed think differently need both talk therapy and medication to help. Good Councillors are hard to find, I would suggest that when you are very blue break work down to the essential and do it step by step and make sure you take a break. If you feel the blues very bad talk to somebody. Hang in there we care!

Mares73 · ‎04-10-2014

My dear friend Jo, I woke up & thought of you & your big day & just want to wish you all the best for today's auction. Your house sounds highly saleable (don't think that's a word!) & I hope it sells for a great price. All indicators are that it will. Secondly I wish you all the best for the house you want to buy-think the auction is this aftwrnoon? I really hope you win the auction which would be so exciting & a great outcome. So many possibilities with a new home your excited about. A new start, a chance to make new memories, create a new home full of light, happiness. The chance to set it all up as you like which would be so exciting. This could be a whole new chaptwr, what you initially felt as a negative ie selling could be the best thing that's happened in a long time. A brand new start in a house that sounds wonderful. This could all be meant to be. A new exciting chapter. You have the opportunity to make a brand new home, somewhere where there's no negative memories, but a home which signifies a new start with new memories.im excited for you. I think this is a very positive change especially if you win today's auction. Try & think what's meant to be will happen. And Jo you've gone through enough struggling, try see this as a great new chapter. I'll be thinking of you today & look forward to hearing how it all goes. My love is with you X Mares