Im not coping

[Captain T]

Hi all. I just need to get this out somewhere. I am in a very dark place. I feel as though someone is sitting on my chest and have so much emotional pain yet feel numb at the same time. Im alone and lonely. I hate myself and who I am. I am so tired of fighting to get well and when I go to bed I pray to not wake up. I can’t keep going on like this. I need to get better

[Captain T]

Hi Eagle Ray

I hope you are feeling a little better. 

I’m in hospital and have been for four days. It’s been a real struggle. I’ve wanted to go home a couple of times. The groups have been really hard and triggering.

Yesterday was particularly rough. I needed to run. I need to leave. I needed to get out. I just wanted to drive. But they have my keys. 

Today I’m exhausted however for the first time in a long time I’m actually feeling a little ok. 

Anyway I hope you are all good? 

[Eagle Ray]

Dear Captain T,

I’m so glad you are feeling a little better. I understand the feeling of wanting to run out of there. I get those feelings in some situations too. But it’s good to remember they are there to take care of you and support you.

Sometimes I find reaching that point of exhaustion can be a good thing. It’s like the body is letting go of the stress it’s been holding and you start to relax and feel a bit better.

 I really wish a healing time for you and that you will keep feeling better. I can understand the groups being hard and triggering. I am sensitive to others and I imagine you are too and so it can feel vulnerable in groups. But connecting through that human vulnerability with others can also be a really meaningful part of healing.

Sending you much support Captain T, healing thoughts and kindness. Thank you for letting me know how you’re going. I am having some struggles with my health but doing ok.

Very best wishes,

Eagle Ray 

[Captain T]

Hi Eagle Ray. 

Im doing pretty well. I have seen so much growth in me. I’ve had a few ups one went too far. I have quite a few downs but this place is opening up wounds that have been buried. 

Over all it has been an amazing eye opening experience. I will come back and do it all again though. 

I hope your struggles have eased a little for you and that you are doing a little better

[Eagle Ray]

Dear Captain T,

I’m just so happy to hear that you have been experiencing growth and some ups, even if one went a bit far. My heart feels happy reading that. It sounds like you are experiencing some healing and that is wonderful. I think that opening up that you speak about in a safe, supportive setting is so important. Even if there’s a few downs that tends to happen along the journey. It is knowing that the ups and healing experiences can happen that I think begins to shift our system into a healing pattern overall.

I am going ok, steadily working through my own issues. I saw a new medical practitioner today who I think may be helpful. Life feels like a quest sometimes and I think it’s just continuing to quest until we find some answers and healing.

I feel so proud of your courage Captain T and I hope you can feel that too.

Sending you care and kindness,

ER