Cherophobia; meaning an aversion to happiness
In the past I would always curse my luck. I would always think to myself; If only things were easier for me, I would've gotten so much further in life by now.
Well, here I am. I have finally gotten my wish. The problem is I seem to have a fear of taking any risks. Especially if it involves improving my situation. I keep thinking that some great diety in the sky is scrutinising me and if things start to get too good for me, than said diety will visit upon something so bad, that the thought of me ever being happy again, will never cross my mind. Yes, I know; This is not logical. This way of thinking doesn't seem to make sense. And I would agree with you. However, I can't seem to think any other way.
This seems to be the first time in my life that I have lived without any chaos. But now, I think I don't deserve it. It's as if my only purpose in this world seems to be to soak up all the suffering and pain of everyone around me. Like the laws of physics say, nothing good is ever supposed to happen to me. And once again, I would agree that this doesn't make sense. But I have though this way for as long as I can remember.
“She said, 'I'm so afraid.' And I said, 'why?,' and she said, 'Because I'm so profoundly happy, Dr. Rasul. Happiness like this is frightening.' I asked her why and she said, 'They only let you be this happy if they're preparing to take something from you.”
The kite runner.
