Im not coping

[Captain T]

Hi all. I just need to get this out somewhere. I am in a very dark place. I feel as though someone is sitting on my chest and have so much emotional pain yet feel numb at the same time. Im alone and lonely. I hate myself and who I am. I am so tired of fighting to get well and when I go to bed I pray to not wake up. I can’t keep going on like this. I need to get better

[Captain T]

Hey lovely, quirky and eagleray

I haven’t settled very well back into everyday life. 

I fired my psychologist while I was in hospital and I now have a new one that is kind and caring. So there was a big plus in there. Plus a couple of other psychologists wired with me and enabled my to find my inner child. I now get what people mean when they talk about it. 

My new psychologist is from the hospital and was one of my facilitators in the group I was in. She already knows parts of my story so it has been an easy transition. 

Ahe knows of my suicidal thoughts and worked gently with me to lessen them. My SI is still there just not as rocky.

My psychiatrist in there change some meds and now I don’t feel as angry. I’m a lot more calm. It does feel better. 

My psychologist is working with me to try and make the transition easier but I’m still struggling and I don’t have a zoom appointment with her for 10 days. My first goal is to get up at 8am every morning and not go back to bed until night. 

I like doing Lego and diamond art. I have set them up again after the house sitters left. I did some yesterday but today all I have done is watch tv. I’m an avid home and away fan and neighbours. I have caught up in hime and away, now to catch up on neighbours. That’s 5 1/2 weeks worth! 

My pup is now 11 months old and has been in his best behaviour for the last 2 days. He is a bit of an arsehole but he is cute. He gave the house sitters a bit of hell. He is going through the ‘teenage’ years though. 

Hiw is everyone 

[Eagle Ray]

Dear Captain T,

That is so wonderful you have a new psychologist who sounds more empathic, understanding and attuned with you. It makes such a difference. I'm glad the meds the psychiatrist prescribed are helping you too.

I hadn't heard of diamond art before so I just looked it up and it looks amazing! I imagine doing something like that would be quite calming and absorbing. When I was a kid I was not a good sleeper and I used to get up and play with Lego in the middle of the night! I can understand why Lego is a calming and focussing thing too.

Some years ago I had a housemate who was into Home and Away and would watch it every weekday night. So I ended up getting into it too and watching it with her. I haven't watched it in a long time now so I am completely out of the loop. But I do understand how it is nice to watch a familiar show. Over the past 3 years I really got into watching the reruns of Big Bang Theory. I have definitely watched every episode several times now!

Ah, yes, having lived with dogs before I remember the teenage years 😂 One that I lived with who belonged to my landlords (I lived in a flat in their backyard) ripped up their outdoor spa bath cover as a teenager so the entire backyard was covered in bits of foam. She grew out of such things once she got through the late puppy stage.

I am doing ok and mainly just have some health struggles that are a bit of an impediment. But I love my photography which is like a healing medicine for me in terms of how much it helps me.

It's so nice to hear from you Captain T and although things are still somewhat challenging at times it does sound like you are in a better place with some good supports. Always happy to have a chat with you.

Take good care of yourself and warm hugs to you,

Eagle Ray

[Lovedmum]

Glad you’re settling in at home ok, it can be very daunting but you sound good. What sort of puppy do you have if you don’t mind me asking? 

[Happylife]

Hi Captain T,

So happy to read that you are doing well. Hang in there and I am sure things will get more better for you.

Also, glad to know you have a good support system and professionals who are with you when times are challenging.

We are all here to listen and support you as well if you need to unload, please be gentle with yourself and take baby steps...

Take care

Happylife

[Captain T]

Hi eagleray, loved mum, and happy life. 

Thanks for your support. I really appreciate it. 

Im starting to settle in but the GP in hospital wrote out my scripts wrong and I have 2 slow release night meds instead of one instant and one slow so I’m having trouble sleeping correctly. Also my anti depressant was taken off me and it helps with sleep. We all know sleep is so important but with bipolar is doubly important. 

My GP is in one Tuesday so I’m hoping I can call and get the right scripts written out. I’m hoping that sleeping better will help me with feeling better.

I am so tired and have only just woken up today. 

Im having trouble with motivation. I have been doing self care daily but I just don’t enjoy anything. I took the dogs for a walk yesterday and I didn’t enjoy it. All I wanted to do was get back home. 

Photography sounds like a great hobby to have eagleray. I hope you health issues are working out for you. 

I have 2 chihuahuas one is 5 and the other is almost 1. 

[Eagle Ray]

Hello dear Captain T,

Yes, good sleep is so helpful. Hopefully the meds will be sorted soon. I have the cat I’m looking after on me at the moment and she seems to be somehow combining gentle snores with purring 😂 I wonder do either of the chihuahuas ever fall asleep on you? There’s something so calming about animals. I wondered if restful time with them may help with sleep?

It’s hard when you can’t feel enjoyment in things. I know there are times I’ve really struggled to feel anything good. But things do pass and shift over time so it’s always good to remember you won’t stay stuck always feeling that way. I remember walking my housemates two dogs for the first time and watching their ears all expectant as we ventured out, like all their senses were engaged with the excitement of walkies. I wonder if imagining the world through their eyes, ears etc would help? Sort of bringing you into the moment noticing everything?

I do love photography and it gives me a purpose whenever I go out for a walk. I notice the detail of everything - the forms, shapes and colours of things from buildings and street scenes to patterns in nature. It seems to help both my mental and physical health issues too. My health issues have been very challenging of late but I think I’m working my way towards at least partially solving what is currently most troubling.

Give the chihuahuas a pat from me and supportive hugs to you Captain T 🤗