Im not coping

[Captain T]

Hi all. I just need to get this out somewhere. I am in a very dark place. I feel as though someone is sitting on my chest and have so much emotional pain yet feel numb at the same time. Im alone and lonely. I hate myself and who I am. I am so tired of fighting to get well and when I go to bed I pray to not wake up. I can’t keep going on like this. I need to get better

[Captain T]

Hi Eagle Ray

I hope you are feeling a little better. 

I’m in hospital and have been for four days. It’s been a real struggle. I’ve wanted to go home a couple of times. The groups have been really hard and triggering.

Yesterday was particularly rough. I needed to run. I need to leave. I needed to get out. I just wanted to drive. But they have my keys. 

Today I’m exhausted however for the first time in a long time I’m actually feeling a little ok. 

Anyway I hope you are all good? 

[Eagle Ray]

Dear Captain T,

I’m so glad you are feeling a little better. I understand the feeling of wanting to run out of there. I get those feelings in some situations too. But it’s good to remember they are there to take care of you and support you.

Sometimes I find reaching that point of exhaustion can be a good thing. It’s like the body is letting go of the stress it’s been holding and you start to relax and feel a bit better.

 I really wish a healing time for you and that you will keep feeling better. I can understand the groups being hard and triggering. I am sensitive to others and I imagine you are too and so it can feel vulnerable in groups. But connecting through that human vulnerability with others can also be a really meaningful part of healing.

Sending you much support Captain T, healing thoughts and kindness. Thank you for letting me know how you’re going. I am having some struggles with my health but doing ok.

Very best wishes,

Eagle Ray 

[Captain T]

Hi Eagle Ray. 

Im doing pretty well. I have seen so much growth in me. I’ve had a few ups one went too far. I have quite a few downs but this place is opening up wounds that have been buried. 

Over all it has been an amazing eye opening experience. I will come back and do it all again though. 

I hope your struggles have eased a little for you and that you are doing a little better

[Eagle Ray]

Dear Captain T,

I’m just so happy to hear that you have been experiencing growth and some ups, even if one went a bit far. My heart feels happy reading that. It sounds like you are experiencing some healing and that is wonderful. I think that opening up that you speak about in a safe, supportive setting is so important. Even if there’s a few downs that tends to happen along the journey. It is knowing that the ups and healing experiences can happen that I think begins to shift our system into a healing pattern overall.

I am going ok, steadily working through my own issues. I saw a new medical practitioner today who I think may be helpful. Life feels like a quest sometimes and I think it’s just continuing to quest until we find some answers and healing.

I feel so proud of your courage Captain T and I hope you can feel that too.

Sending you care and kindness,

ER

[Captain T]

It’s been quite a while since I have been in here. 
 

My hospital experience was a positive one. I managed to hold onto that feeling for a little while but then I just slipped back into old habits. 
 

I feel like I failed and just wasted everyones time. 
 

My life is just a mess and there is no one to blame other than myself. I really wish I didn’t wake up.

[Eagle Ray]

Hey Captain T,

Try not to be hard on yourself. Falling in a hole again after making some headway with depression is not uncommon. I have been sure I’ve turned a corner then a bit later on I’m struggling again. 

Perhaps see if you can return to the memory of the positive feelings you had in hospital. Is it something you could meditate on, sensing how it felt in your body when you were having those positive feelings? Sometimes by just allowing yourself to go there in your imagination, the body remembers and begins to feel lighter and more peaceful.

What was it most that you feel helped you while in hospital? Was the group therapy eventually helpful? I’m wondering if it gave you a feeling of support and understanding.

How is your pup going? He must be getting big now.

Take good care Captain T and sending you kind support,

ER

[Captain T]

Hi EagleRay

I think I have turned a corner. I stopped taking all my meds and it caused me a lot of trouble. I have since restarted them. 

Today is not a really good day though. Today is one of those days that you just wish your life would end. Today, I just don’t want to go on any more. It all feels too hard to face. 

My pup is now 7 months old and has grown a lot. He is really mischievous. Put him and mums dog together there is no end of trouble. 

How’s everything going with you? 

[Eagle Ray]

Hi Captain T,

That's really good you have turned a corner. I do understand about having another tough day though. I think it does fluctuate like that. I know it can feel so never-ending when you are in those days, but things do have a way of moving in flux and shifting back to a better place again. It's not easy though, I understand.

Your pup sounds delightful. It's wonderful to watch them play, isn't it. I'm glad you have him. I find dogs to be the most incredibly healing beings. I can be feeling awful and then I will see and pat a dog and start feeling better.

Like you, I am struggling. I find watching the birds in my garden helps. I love doing photography too which focuses me on something and helps shift me out of being stuck in distress or dissociation. It kind of opens me up when I am closed down.

Go gently and take good care.

[Captain T]

Hi ER

With your photography what is your preferred subject? Mum does a bit and she loves her scenery. Grounding for me is

looking at scenery. 

My pup is real delightful, he is about to cost me $2500 for surgery! He will be 8 months old. 

[Captain T]

Sorry hit the wrong button. 

He will still be going through rehab when I go to hospital. 

I hope you are doing ok. 

Im struggling a little. But I guess thats par for course. Do I want to be alive.. no but I have to.