Around 6 months ago I wrote here in a very, very distressed state. I had
no real support otherwise in real time. Its hard to write about myself
as i have alot of shame and almost non- existent self esteem esp atm. Im
41, female who has never really l...
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Around 6 months ago I wrote here in a very, very distressed state. I had
no real support otherwise in real time. Its hard to write about myself
as i have alot of shame and almost non- existent self esteem esp atm. Im
41, female who has never really left home and had traumas at a young
adult age with little support other than home alone with my animals and
the very nice environment we were living in. 5 acres around farmland
just outside our costal tourist town.I had my big chicken house that
looked like a giant cubby. I had the pleasure of having ducks, a turkey,
chickens and lots of roosters, two sheep, and more. On complete rain
water and out away from pollution in the fresh air, quiet away from any
cars, very secluded and with a very nice view. Id lived there with my
parents for 26 years, since i was 14. I have social phobia/ GAD and
complex parents -mum with hearing disabilities and who can be very
dominant and quiet and dictating at times. Ive always tried to help
myself and at times been on a roll, but i’ve always had my environment
to be my calm go-to, part of my spirituality and support for myself, my
foundation, my calmness and basically a romance with the place. Nearly 6
months ago, dad declared we were moving asap because he wanted to invest
money for my sister to get a house. It was a complete shock and
distress. It was out of the blue with no warning and with no emotional
care at all. 2-3 months asap in dead winter to find a house to buy and
live by selling my everything place. It was irrational and made a
prolonged distress for me having to be yelled at for being upset and
having to be just me and dad moving everything. I told him i was feeling
suicidal and he threw stuff at my face. It was stressful times but I was
incredibly mentally unwell in a very bad way, continuing to push myself
for everyone with no support. By the time we moved and i had my own time
to myself, I severely broke down. I couldnt sleep, I was in severe shock
and emotional distress and on my iwn with it, my mum didnt want to know.
I had to ring the hospital for some support at some point.My days for
months was pushing myself if i had to drive my parents anywhere and
taking my dog for a walk, and then in bed so distraught and crying in so
much emotional pain it hurt so much. Its now nearly 6 months later and
ive come a long way from where i was emotionally, ive settled in more. I
see a psychologist and counselling. I push myself everyday.I get
creative with clay and gardening. Try to improve the house. But at the
end of the day, im still so upset i dont have my sanctuary, half my
animals, were in a built up urban area, i hate the backyard and the dark
house,I feel so hopeless- the things i loved are all gone, and altho i
practice radical acceptance and try to improve things- i still hate it.
I love country valleys, fresh air, gumtrees bushland, away from urban, i
love a sunny north facing house and farm animals. I wash myself with a
bucket of rainwater boiled rather than use the horrible tap water that
gives me rashes, i go outside for a drive and walk the dog to be in the
sun, i plant a garden to try and improve the backyard which is slabs of
concrete and a hills hoist. But at least there room for my chooks. What
weve gone from to here because of dads irrational choices is hard to
swallow. Our lifestyle has changed. My health has gone downhill mentally
and physically. I know in my bones what i need and want in life. My
sanctuary was my everything. Now when i go out, im severely depressed
and severely lacking in self esteem and have somewhat self neglect. And
esp at home. Its an added depression ontop of the depression i had b4
the move. I feel like ive lost my compass, ive lost my value and who i
am since weve moved and i feel hopeless in ever being able to get what i
want in life which is a sanctuary of my own. I feel heartbroken and not
home here. I hate living urban so much, but i push myself everyday, but
i know its just not me.
How do I talk to my doctor?
