Depression

Emotional Blunting and Tackling Depression Sober

replies: 2

I've suffered with Depression my whole life, this includes suicidal ideation and feelings of hopelessness. I have managed it with self medication and have managed to mask it for a long time as a functional person (exhausting). The symptoms have effec... View more

I've suffered with Depression my whole life, this includes suicidal ideation and feelings of hopelessness. I have managed it with self medication and have managed to mask it for a long time as a functional person (exhausting). The symptoms have effected my ability to interact with the world around me in ways that are meaningful and my relationships with family and friends are sometime effected with a distancing or feeling of not belonging - I isolate and am critical of myself. It's become hard of late as I recently went to hospital after a drunken suicide plan "Practiced" one evening. I am sober now and facing these familiar feelings of hopelessness ... now without my historic coping mechanism (Which is actually going really well) but like these feelings are horrid and draining and isolating despite being surrounded by good people and a great family and partner. It's like the colour has been drained from my life and I HATE it....

In keep trying and nothing ever seems to get better, one year to the next.

replies: 1

As a guy in his mid 50's, I am well aware that this battle of mine has never truly gotten better. The past 2 decades I completely hit rock bottom. Every year I seem to be fighting an uphill battle that I am not winning. I am very conscious to ensure ... View more

As a guy in his mid 50's, I am well aware that this battle of mine has never truly gotten better. The past 2 decades I completely hit rock bottom. Every year I seem to be fighting an uphill battle that I am not winning. I am very conscious to ensure I am not self sabotaging my own life and I can honestly say that I dont beleive I am.Last year, approximately 7-8 months ago, I started going to a Christian Church. Wonderful people who are not to full on. I got babtised and started actovely following scripture, praying and this I thought would keep me on the straight and narrow. My work is not happening and wthout a true fullfilling purpose, I am very fragile. My suicide thoughts sre back and know that a few bad days in a row I will be committed to try and see it through. I have tried and tried to find work, I have rareified experince and still this gets me knowhere. Anyhow, good to get this down. I hope others are well and fighting on.

How I feel

replies: 4

I feel like I'm just soo done with everything. Like I'm so tired of everything not physically but in my head, and I feel so stupid that I feel this way bc my problems are like so small compared to other people so idek why I feel like this. I feel so ... View more

I feel like I'm just soo done with everything. Like I'm so tired of everything not physically but in my head, and I feel so stupid that I feel this way bc my problems are like so small compared to other people so idek why I feel like this. I feel so confused like I don't see a point in anything anymore like I feel like no matter how hard I try I'll never feel like how I used too. I feel like I'm so in my head and it's exhausting. I feel so alone even tho I'm literally not. Sometimes I feel like my thoughts aren't mine and that scares me. I'm starting to realise I don't care what happens to me anymore. I feel like everyday is just a never ending cycle that I can't escape from, and I'm constantly waiting for things to past even though I try to enjoy the present. I feel left behind no matter how hard I try to be better than I was yesterday. I feel so confused and idk what's happening. I feel everything and so numb at the same time. This sounds rlly dumb but i feel like something is missing from my life. I feel like I've wasted all my potential even though I try so hard and I don't love the things I used to anymore which makes me sad. I don't have the drive and the passion for the things that I used to. Ik that was alot but im just so confused.

Loss of direction as a 20 y/o uni student combined with possible burnout and depression

replies: 2

I'm a uni student and currently attempting my second bachelor degree. For context, I started uni last year in another course, decided I didn't like it and transferred courses. However, I'm 5 weeks into my new course and am finding zero enjoyment and ... View more

I'm a uni student and currently attempting my second bachelor degree. For context, I started uni last year in another course, decided I didn't like it and transferred courses. However, I'm 5 weeks into my new course and am finding zero enjoyment and motivation to study, which has caused me to fall behind in my studies and feel hopeless. To make it worse, I'm even on a part-time study load this semester. However, this post isn't about my uni studies as much as it is the things happening in the background. Last year, I battled with depression, suicidal thoughts and extreme loss of identity stemming from the accumulation of the past 3-4 years of my life. Starting high school, I began to work hard to do well in school and my peers and parents caught sight of this. This lead to me being seen as a highly academic kid. Moving into the senior years of high school, I made a lot of great friends, some of which I am still great friends with today. However, the 'smart kid' persona still stuck with me. In my final two years of high school, I chose the subjects that the 'smart' kids would do (i.e. sciences, advanced english etc) which would allow me to continue the highly academic persona that I had built for myself, that I was mainly known for, which only further inflated my gigantic ego. Despite my parents telling me that I could choose any subjects I wanted, I was already so fixated on impressing people and convinced myself it was what I wanted to do. Little did I know I was only further and further burying my true self into the seemingly unreachable depths of my consciousness. 10 hours study days were reality and I did decent in my final grade, but not as good as I expected. To anyone around me my score was exceptional but I was crushed, yet grateful I had 4 months break before uni. Uni started and I immediately realized something was off. I hated all my subjects, spiraled into depression and suicidal thoughts, yet didn't seek help. It didn't help seeing my friends enjoying their courses and doing well, while I was at rock bottom. My parents just told me to keep pushing, and so I did. Now, I want to take a semester break, but my parents don't approve and keep patronizing that course enjoyment doesn't exist and taking a 'break' means dropping out. I feel so far gone, lost for direction career-wise and really want to just 'pause'. When I try to think of what I truly want to do, I cannot I separate whether I'd being doing it for me or for others. Need advice pls.

40 and still waiting for it to get better

replies: 2

How can it be a midlife crisis at 40, when the crisis never ended? I turned 40 this year, after loosing everything, again. It keeps happening. I was born into a violent household, grew up around unsafe adults who also hurt me. Lost every good thing I... View more

How can it be a midlife crisis at 40, when the crisis never ended? I turned 40 this year, after loosing everything, again. It keeps happening. I was born into a violent household, grew up around unsafe adults who also hurt me. Lost every good thing I had going for me over and over again. No matter how hard I try to hold onto each good thing. Late 30's diagnosied ASD/ADHD as well as realising I'm trans. And I wish I could be excited about living an authentic life, knowing these things. I no longer believe the phrase "it gets better" because it was never even ok. And now I'm not striving for anything. I can't. Nothing has ever worked out, no one stays, and I can't pretend like there's hope anymore. I'm doing what I should, what I want, and using tools gathered over a lifetime of therapy, in order to stay sane. I'm even transitioning. But what does it change really? With each person who walked away, each goal that failed again, I lost more of myself. I litteraly cannot begin to add more detail, because the list could fill a trillogy of books. And it still hasn't stopped. I'm tired. And I don't understand how I'm expected to smile and act like I'm not painfully alone, lost, hopeless. People tend not to hang around if you never get better. So why am I expected too? I have no idea what I need or want from this post, connection perhaps? Someone/s who can relate. Cheers to you for reading.

I don't feel real. But feel all too concious.

replies: 1

I've recently gone to the psychologist to try understand this troubling pessimistic and suicidal thoughts that promptly follow after being exposed to any portions of society, whether that's a day out, school day, or visiting family, I cannot shake th... View more

I've recently gone to the psychologist to try understand this troubling pessimistic and suicidal thoughts that promptly follow after being exposed to any portions of society, whether that's a day out, school day, or visiting family, I cannot shake this seemingly permanent depression. Alongside being counselled and medicated for my depression, I was loosely told that I have traits that align with the autism spectrum. This is where my sense of self truly took a turn for the worst. I cannot stand the idea that the person I've known for 17 years is now a over-thinking, anxious mess of a person. I constantly think of the idea of not being conscious. But I also wonder of things that may make me happy, or things that are concurrently making me more depressed. But this seems to worsen my angst of overthinking. In retrospect, I want to understand the magnitude that my selfish desires has in comparison to the third world problems and conflicts. I feel like such a chud. I feel like a failure to the social integrity of my family, me being some social outcast that contradicts the families goals and aspirations. Causing me to drift apart. It doesn't bother me though. But it causes a moral alarm that constantly reminds me that this isn't right, because of me. Which eventually lead to my family wasting resources, time and money on trying to help me. but I'm the waste. The good thing of nothing, allows nothing to not be able to burden something. I've lost all aspirations and motivations that I used to have. I don't care about my future or current being. I can't imagine my future, because I don't want a future. There I go again. Being so selfish again. Taking life for granted. Stealing the future they should've gotten. I haven't been living for a few years now. I feel less than a shell of the person I was. I want to scream. I want to explode. why am I like this. I'm too conscious. But I haven't lived a life worth living. What does that make me. An observer. A living ghost. A delusion psycho. I'm merely a product of what's I've consumed. I've been given everything in life. how does that set me up for when I leave home. Selfish, selfish, selfish. Am I selfish? I've lived, no, I've endured life on autopilot for 17 years. how much more selfish can I be. What will it take for me to value life again? I know I must help myself. But what if I don't want myself.

Giving up on myself

replies: 3

Being burdened with acne has shot my self-esteem the lowest its ever been. I’ve been avoiding my friends bcos I feel ugly showing my face. I avoid going outside and going to work cos the sun and my job makes my acne worse. I cant even afford a dermat... View more

Being burdened with acne has shot my self-esteem the lowest its ever been. I’ve been avoiding my friends bcos I feel ugly showing my face. I avoid going outside and going to work cos the sun and my job makes my acne worse. I cant even afford a dermatologist. All I tell myself now is theres no hope, its easier if I didnt exist and end things. I really have tried to make things better but I feel its out of my control. Its funny, when I see acne on others I dont care about it and don’t judge them. But I dont give myself the same grace. Its frustrating and deeply debilitating how shameful I feel to show my face proudly in public. All I think abt is how others will perceive it and fear that the marks on my face is all they see of me. This feels like such a small problem in the scale of things, but I’m sick of looking in the mirror and seeing failure. With how I’m so unmotivated I just can’t see things getting any easier. I wish I was strong enough

How can I create new connections?

replies: 2

Good Afternoon I am approaching 28 years of age, and I can say with absolute confidence that I am incredibly lonely. I have previously befriended people who were secretly jealous of me, or could not stand me. People have lied and gossiped about me to... View more

Good Afternoon I am approaching 28 years of age, and I can say with absolute confidence that I am incredibly lonely. I have previously befriended people who were secretly jealous of me, or could not stand me. People have lied and gossiped about me to other people, which has affected who I became friends with in the past. I have had to deal with adults living with undiagnosed narcissistic personality disorder who wanted to do nothing but exert control over my life, with their "flying monkeys" enabling this. There are even people who I bump into often in public who pretend that I am not there. Most of these people are people who I have never spoken a word to, but, my gut instinct tells me that they have heard something negative about me, based on my previous interactions with mutuals. I spend most of my time with my family, but as I am getting older, I am facing an exorbitant amount of pressure to act neurotypical... when I am not. I feel like I do not stand a chance at forming healthy relationships with anyone. I am now hesitant to put myself out there. I would describe myself as someone who is polite, gentle, keeps to herself, looks after herself, is quite intelligent, and is genuinely confident with who I am/who I am becoming. I am also a university student who has goals in place for her future. I am currently seeking psychiatry in the public mental health system, but the problem that I am experiencing here is that psychiatrists rotate every six months to a year. I cannot afford to seek psychiatry via a private practice. I live with autism (neurodevelopmental disorder), schizophrenia (mental health condition) and postural orthostatic tachycardia syndrome (POTS) (chronic illness).

I cant do anything right

replies: 2

I feel like i pushed myself to the limit countless times trying to improve my life giving 100% in effort and im always behind where i started, its like my mind doesnt listen to me in everything i do, even the most simple stuff i mess it up like nobod... View more

I feel like i pushed myself to the limit countless times trying to improve my life giving 100% in effort and im always behind where i started, its like my mind doesnt listen to me in everything i do, even the most simple stuff i mess it up like nobody could, i constantly fight with my family because i now cannot control my anger and emotions, i feel that everything and everyone would be better without me, whats the point in life if you are just miserable and no matter what you do you cant improve it, you are just waking up to another day in a nightmare, the only reason i havent left is because how much it would hurt my family, they put so much efforr in helping me through my stupis studies and i still manages to fail those and all we got in the end was wasted time and everyone else got exhausted for no reason. As for my education, i was always no good at anything, i failed always despite trying, i couldnt even make a decision in what course i wanted to study and i completed several i realised i didnt want to, i eventually made it to uni and at the end of my course im realising i wont work in this job. I put everything to a stop to try and focus on at least 1 thing in my life so i would not be so fragmented and focused on just this study and still managed to fail many times. its like a vicious cycle where i try something, anything and fail and i get angry and react and drop my study or anything else i try and im angry at myself for making each and every one of those decisions. I see people half my age getting through basic things like driving like a normal human being and here i am still trying to make friends or social circles because i suck even at socializing. I always hear dont compare yourself but easy to say when you dont have stupid brain that doesnt listen or focus for 2 seconds. Everything in life has always felt so hard that life feels not even worth it, it doesnt even make sense to keep on going when you are just around for pain and suffering.

please make it stop

replies: 8

im getting tired man. cant sleep at all. try to talk to people, try to support them. they either don’t care or don’t want to talk to me. i only want to help people, find people who understand somewhat what i’m going through. i cant trust anyone right... View more

im getting tired man. cant sleep at all. try to talk to people, try to support them. they either don’t care or don’t want to talk to me. i only want to help people, find people who understand somewhat what i’m going through. i cant trust anyone right now, even family. cut my mates off that were treating me like shit and they keep trying to contact me, even contacting my mum. i know they just want to use me again. more pressure to get a job. i know i need to but most days i cant even get out of bed. i’ve already messed my life up so much cause of my mental health. i need a way out. i cant take this shit anymore. i just want everyone to get off my back. please.

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