Im not coping

[Captain T]

Hi all. I just need to get this out somewhere. I am in a very dark place. I feel as though someone is sitting on my chest and have so much emotional pain yet feel numb at the same time. Im alone and lonely. I hate myself and who I am. I am so tired of fighting to get well and when I go to bed I pray to not wake up. I can’t keep going on like this. I need to get better

[quirkywords]

i found eagle rays post so moving and full of practical help. Captain T I hope you can read the post and find some help and hope.
I can hear the pain in your words. You may not see your worth but I and others replying here see your worth. You share your experience with others so they don’t fear so alone. 
you are not nothing you are helping people by posting here. 

You are struggling and things see harsh  but like eagle ray said can you see some kindness

 i think there is hope and no one is stupid, I don’t like that word. 
we are thinking of you  and you are not alone.

[Eagle Ray]

Dear Captain T,

Although you may feel like you are all those negative things right now that is not you. When we are in a downward spiral we can feel so awful about ourselves, but those awful feelings are just what the mind does when overwhelmed and experiencing distressing emotions. It is very easy in that state to go into toxic shame that collapses us inwards, but you are absolutely a worthwhile person and as deserving as any other of life.

 I have certainly fallen into those shame states about myself and I know it’s awful. But please know you are a precious human being who is of no less value than anyone else. We care about you and are here to listen and support you however we can. You have shown heaps of courage already by posting here and sharing your struggle and journey. Please take care of yourself and know you are worth it. Thinking of you.

Eagle Ray

[Bob_22]

Hi Captain T,

I'm so sorry it's taken me so long to touch base with you. I am disappointed in myself and hope I'm not intruding by posting here again. In response to your questions, I am currently loving my job as a Peer Support Worker. I have recently moved to full time and will be moving closer to work which is a relief. I will be moving in on my own which may be tough but I'm looking forward to having my own space again. I also recently graduated from my Diploma of Mental Health. I can highly recommend both the Certificate IV and Diploma of Mental Health. It has greatly assisted me with my role and is highly rewarding.

I can see you've been through alot these last few months. And it seems like the suicidal thoughts have been chronic in nature. I certainly remember when I was like this not too long ago and I would not wish it on my worst enemy. The only hope I had was the reassurance my psychiatrist provided me that no matter how bad the depression there is always a path to recovery. It's important to not give up. Easier said than done but looking back, I wish I had known that the future would be so much brighter. 

The truth is that over the last few months I have been pulling back from the forums. I had originally intended to return to full capacity after finishing TAFE but am struggling to continue to wear my "peer worker" hat on the BB forums after coming home from work. I've  therefor come to the decision that I should probably withdraw from the forums for the time being as I do not want to do a half-job.

I just want to say thank you for being so welcoming and for the great back and forth we've had. I will continue to check in from time to time, but for the time being I will be hanging up my hat as a community champion and support the great staff and volunteers here from afar. 

Thank you greatly Captain T. Please be kind to yourself.

Bob

[Captain T]

Thanks Bob for all your support that you have shown me. I am sorry that you are leaving but I do wish you all the best for the future. I’m sure you will thrive in it. 

Im glad that work is going well for you and you will be able to have your own space. 

Good luck with everything. 

[Captain T]

Thanks Eagle Ray and Quirkywords for your kind thoughts and words. 

I am listening to them. 

The last few days have been a massive struggle. I have been and am quite distressed. It really is all too hard right now. 

This wish to die is so strong. The anger and self-hatred that I have inside is brewing so much that I feel like I’m going to burst. There is just so much hatred towards myself. I just wish it would all go away. I need some relief. Maybe I do need to go to hospital. 

The anger is so controlling. It’s driving me to do things I shouldn’t. It’s making me want to do things I shouldn’t. 

Sorry

[Eagle Ray]

It’s ok Captain T. It’s better to write those things out than keep them inside. If you feel really unsafe with yourself it could be good to go to hospital or call triple 000. If you think it will help to talk first to a helpline that could be really good. I called Suicide Callback Service a couple of times recently and they really helped me.

 I know sometimes it is overwhelming and feels really too hard. It’s a horrible place to be. But sometimes we have just really spiralled down and they are just thoughts and bad feelings, not who you are at your core. One thing I’ve learned from my own mental health struggles is that parts of us can become split off at times and then those parts that are not integrated can start to run us. That can be the angry, self-hating part you describe. I’ve been learning about structural integration and how to bring those parts back. Sometimes they need firstly acknowledgement and then care and nurturing, as they are so often a hurt part of the self that got dissociated along the way. I’ve been gradually learning to integrate parts of myself that were characterised by shame, self-attack etc. I’m able to catch myself now when I start to self-attack and then turn to nurturing the distressed part instead. It does take some time and practice but it can really help. It helps to have some kind, supportive interactions with others too, as that kindness can be absorbed and directed inwards.

Take care of yourself and we are here for you. You are showing so much courage. See if you can be proud of the vulnerable part in you for doing that. Sending you much kindness and support, and a hug if that helps.

[Captain T]

Thanks Eagle Ray. 

Im sorry that you have been through this 

I have social phobia on top of bipolar disorder and anxiety disorder. So the social phobia and anxiety parts are what stops me from calling. 

My logical brain knows I should but it never wins. Same with my ED brain. 

Today I have done something to my self twice trying to release the anger and punishing my self for being a worthless useless human. That hatred for myself needed to be marked. 

I know it was a stupid thing to do but I need a release some how. 

One thing it helped with the urge to end my life. 

Anyway… really sorry for failing. 

[Eagle Ray]

Dear Captain T,

 I really empathise regarding the social phobia. I think I have some of that too and my anxiety levels do go up just before calling a helpline, which is tough when they’re already high. I have found that if I get someone I’m comfortable with though, the anxiety quickly lessens and continues to dissipate during the call. I’ve had 100% good experience with Suicide Callback Service and some fantastic people on Lifeline too plus a couple on Lifeline that weren’t so good. I’ve learned if it hasn’t helped to just take a few moments and breaths then call again, as I’ve got someone good the next time.

 I just looked at the Suicide Callback Service website and they do have a web chat option which appears as a chat tab on the right of the screen. If you go to their drop-down menu and click on Phone and Online Counselling it explains more about how they work. Webchat may be less scary when dealing with social phobia. It’s just a suggestion. I have only phoned before but it might be a good option if you don’t feel able to call.

 I’m sorry you hurt yourself but don’t feel you have to apologise as I know you are trying so hard to manage the difficult feelings. I hope you are ok. The Beyond Blue website has a section on self-harm and self-injury which may be helpful. I don’t know how to link to it but if you google “self-harm beyond blue” it should come up. You may have looked at it already.

Please don’t feel you have failed. You are dealing with very challenging emotions and feelings. See if you can feel gentleness and kindness towards those parts of yourself that are hurting. If that is hard to do, imagine the kindness and care you feel for others, even the love for your dog, and see if you can direct that care inwards. One thing I noticed when I’ve lived with dogs is that I could much more easily love them than myself. I now try to imagine and redirect that capacity to love another living being towards myself. If I start to feel something like shame, which is one of the most destructive emotions, I now catch when it’s happening and start directing loving kindness to that part of myself. It is a gradual learning process, but little by little shameful, destructive feelings are starting to be replaced with warm, kind, caring ones. I still fall in some holes, but recover more quickly before I spiral into a worse place. I hope that might give you a little hope.

Sending you feelings of safety and groundedness. Take care,

Eagle Ray

[Captain T]

Thanks Eagle Ray

Your posts are really meaningful. I do see that you understand. It’s comforting to know that you got through it. It gives me a little light in all the darkness. 

I had work today and it was too hard for me to mask. I think people now know I’m not ok. 

Im just going to bed as I nearly tried again. Sometimes it’s just all too hard. I need to try and focus on your light and stop trying to end it. 

[Eagle Ray]

Dear Captain T,

I relate to what you write about masking. For many years I masked and then I think it finally caught up with me. It was like I couldn’t keep pretending to be fine. But I think that can be a good thing as sometimes we need to be vulnerable and have others understand we are vulnerable too.

You are so courageous and I admire that you are continuing to go to work and making efforts to take care of yourself. It’s so hard sometimes isn’t it! I fall in holes from time to time and I’ve had a rough few days. I keep reminding myself of the things I love and care about. I was lying under some beautiful trees yesterday looking up at them and thinking how I want to still be around to keep seeing and experiencing such beautiful things.

 I can see so many qualities in you Captain T from things you have written - compassion, sensitivity, insight, courage, emotional intelligence, perseverance and strength. There is definitely light there and it’s something that can keep growing and expanding within you. I think being able to feel an inner warmth within and towards yourself can be transformative over time. I think feeling love for the world too can help, like the beautiful things in the inner and outer worlds can reinforce one another.

Sending you much care and compassion,

Eagle Ray