Im not coping

[Captain T]

Hi all. I just need to get this out somewhere. I am in a very dark place. I feel as though someone is sitting on my chest and have so much emotional pain yet feel numb at the same time. Im alone and lonely. I hate myself and who I am. I am so tired of fighting to get well and when I go to bed I pray to not wake up. I can’t keep going on like this. I need to get better

[Captain T]

Merry Christmas all

[white knight]

Ho Captain

Thankyou, you've done well and I hope 2024 is looked upon as an exciting time 

TonyWK

[Eagle Ray]

Merry Christmas Captain T and you too Tony!

 I hope it has been a peaceful, restful day.

Take care and all the very best over this festive season and for a good 2024!

Very best wishes,

Eagle Ray

[Captain T]

I’m not ok. I no longer want to be here. I’ve just had enough of this existence. You can’t call it a life because it’s not one. I don’t see a future. 

I am seriously thinking I need to go to hospital but stupid me got a pup. So he needs training, then we go on holidays so I will see if I can book an admission after the holiday. Plus I injured myself at work so I can’t go in now anyway as I have to deal with this.  

[Ggrand]

Hello Dear Captain T,

I’m sorry that your not okay and you injured yourself at work..

A puppy, that’s beautiful, I have 3 dogs and they have kept me in life a few times, when I didn’t want to be….A pup will need training Captain T, but only what you want puppy to learn…one thing that is inbuilt into puppies and grows stronger each day..is the unconditional love they have for you….no doubt at all your love for puppy will also grow each day….

I hope you enjoy your holiday, and hope also that a change of scenery, people and routine will help your mental health to calm…

My kindest thoughts dear Captain T….hugs🤗🤗.

Grandy..

[Eagle Ray]

Dear Captain T,

Is there a way you can focus in on your pup's needs to give you a focus away from the suffering you are going through? Years ago when I was in severe chronic pain and at times during that really didn't want to be here anymore, I retrained to be an education assistant. I found once I started working with the kids, they really needed me and I had to be there for them. While it was so hard at first because I was in a lot of pain, over time it actually helped the pain as it retrained the pain pathways in my brain. It's like it helped heal me focussing in on the kids needs which I guess was both a distraction but also rewarding and nurturing caring for young children and helping and supporting them. I'm just wondering if becoming absorbed in your puppy's care may act as a healthy distraction and help shift the downward spiral patterns you are going into.

Please try not to be hard on yourself. Being injured at work has probably made you feel worse at the moment. I hope it's not too serious and you can take the time and rest to recover. It feels like you are carrying a load of stress. Can you feel what it would be like to just put the weight of that down and just rest your body and mind in a nurturing way?

Sometimes we are anxiously struggling away in life and we just need to let go of the striving and struggling (constant hypervigilance). This striving is often connected with the pressure we put on ourselves from our inner critic. With practice the voice of the inner critic can be quietened, and one of the best ways of doing that is just being caring and nurturing towards ourselves and letting go of the judgement and pressure we often put on ourselves.

I hope you can rest Captain T, enjoy your holiday and start to feel better soon. If you feel you need the hospital stay then that option is there too.

Take care,

Eagle Ray 🤗

[Captain T]

Thanks for your replies. I do appreciate them and I am listening. 

My pup is growing on me and very slowly growing on my 4yr old dog. 

My work injury is staring to get better. I should be back to full duties in the next 2 weeks or so. 

But as for myself. Things are still getting so much worse. I dread the thought of waking up in the morning as it means I have another day to get through. I can’t seem to get any respite from my thoughts. I’m just a big black ball of nothing. I struggle to even get out of bed. The only time I shower is if I have to go somewhere. The only places I go is to appointments or work.

There is no light. I can’t see a future. I can’t even see 5 minutes ahead. I can’t go on like this. The sorrow and despair that I’m feeling is the most intense it has been. I can’t even put into words the way I’m feeling. 

I just want my life to end.

I can’t ring for help as I can’t verbalise what is going on. 

[Eagle Ray]

Hello Captain T,

It's lovely your pup is growing on you. It's good your older dog is getting used to the pup too. I remember some people I lived with had a 5 year old dog when they got a new puppy. She really wasn't too impressed with the puppy at first, as if to say who is this interloper. But before long they were best play buddies, romping around the backyard together.

I'm really glad your work injury is starting to get better too. Being injured can get you down, especially if you are already struggling.

I am just wondering if in relation to the way you're feeling if it would help to do the chat option on one of the helplines? You express yourself so well and so clearly here. They might have some strategies they can offer to help you and they can work with you in the moment in regard to what you are feeling.

I don't know if this helps, but sometimes I try to remember when really depressed or anxious that there is basically a biochemical process in the brain and any negative thoughts I'm having are not actually real or accurate. So if I start feeling awful thoughts, telling myself "this is not real". The worst thing about depression is it convinces us of things that are not true about ourselves.

At the moment I've been getting treatment for major hormonal dysregulation. It helped enormously except I had to come off part of the treatment for a couple of weeks because that is how it's meant to work. However, this led to a complete crash in my mental health again. I restarted that part of the treatment on an alternative continuous dosage but half the amount. It was great for a day and then since the middle of the day yesterday my mental health just plummeted again and I've felt terrible since. I've been in a very deep depression since yesterday. But I know now it is hormones and how they are biochemically affecting my brain, so it is going to be a case of revising the dosage again. I just mention that because I find it helps at least a bit knowing that dark thoughts are coming from this imbalance. The feelings are real in terms of how they're affecting me, but the spiralling is a product of that, not from me being bad or whatever thoughts my distressed brain turns those feelings into.

Another thing I find helpful is finding ways to laugh. There are times I've been feeling awful but I've watched a sitcom I like and something happens in it that makes me laugh out loud. It is amazing how stress-relieving laughter is. It's really like a medicine. I'm just wondering if there is anything that can bring out some humour for you, even just watching what your puppy gets up to. The puppy I mentioned above was asleep on the couch one day snoring away. He was on the edge and his body slowly slid off the couch before falling in a heap on the ground. He didn't even wake up, he just kept on snoring! It was hilarious.

I hope you can start feeling a bit better soon Captain T. I know it's just awful dealing with those feelings. But I have not a single doubt you are a worthy person who deserves a good life.

Take good care and sending you kindness,

ER

[Captain T]

Hi Eagle Ray

I am so sorry about the hormone treatment. I hope it is sorted for you by now?  And I’m hoping all is good?

I did post just over a week ago but it wasn’t approved. I’ll try again and see if this one is better I’m not sure which part wasn’t acceptable.

Things have gotten really bad. I feel like it’s time to give in. 

2 weeks today I was taken by the police to hospital. It was quite a traumatic experience. I did get let go home at 4 in the morning. That was my breaking point. My case manager was notified that I was taken in and also my GP. 

Both now understand the depth of despair I’m in. They both know that I can’t actually see a way through this. I don’t see a future. 

In hindsight it was probably a good thing as we are now working towards me getting some help. I have applied to be admitted to a private hospital. This will be in a couple of weeks. I just have to ring the week before and see if there is a bed available. I’m not sure if my psychiatrist may be able to contact them with an actual admission date. The last place I want to go to is hospital but at this stage I think it’s the only thing that may actually save my life. 

Sorry that was pretty heavy. 

As for humour… I have always struggle to find shows and things funny. As a child I would laugh at something and get told that I was stupid as that wasn’t funny. So finding humour is a little difficult. I feel stupid laughing at show and things. I do get to laugh at work at some of the antics and in that moment it does feel good. So I can understand laughter as a medicine. I need to try harder to find that enjoyment in something. 

It’s hard though as I can’t find enjoyment in anything. Things that I usually do that I like just aren’t bring any joy. Everything feels like a chore. Even feeding the dogs is becoming hard. Everything is just too hard. 

Sorry.. I feel like I’m just wasting peoples time. I just feel so worthless. I am just nothing. It’s really hard to describe. 

[Eagle Ray]

Dear Captain T,

I’m so sorry you’ve had that recent difficult experience. The hospital stay may finally give you the respite you need to start being able to heal. Sometimes it seems we have to get to that worst point in order to be able to turn around, like our system is struggling to keep functioning when we actually need to stop, and so it’s like we break down so we do actually stop. So I really wish the best for you and that you can find some deep rest and begin to heal.

Please don’t feel you are wasting anyone’s time. It helps to share and others benefit from witnessing your courage. I feel I can understand some of what you’re saying. I get frequent attacks of feeling worthless as well, but I’m seeing more and more that is just a damaged part of me, not the whole of me. Unfortunately damaged parts can take on a life of their own. I’m learning that to change that the damaged part needs to be cared for and integrated. It’s a gradual process but I believe you can do that Captain T and I believe I can, and I just have to keep holding onto the deeper part of myself that is actually ok underneath. You will have an ok part in you too and it’s making that connection with that untouched, safe part and continuing to find ways back to that. We just have to find what has often been buried under a lot of suffering. It’s not necessarily a linear journey but one where we keep finding ways to reground ourselves and centre ourselves.

 I think what you describe about not finding enjoyment in anything is common in depression. I have been going through some really depressive patches and I struggle to feel anything but a kind of despair at times too. I keep trying to connect with the things I love and that have been meaningful for me - photography, music, the few people I really trust, animals, nature etc. It’s like continuing to rekindle that connection and find the hope in those things. Sometimes I think we can rekindle a body memory of something that has made us happy in the past.

 I feel receiving care in the hospital may be a chance for you to be away from other pressures, commitments etc and focus completely on your own healing. Also, try not to put pressure on yourself. See if you can be gentle with yourself and let go of any feelings of pressure about what you may think you “should” be doing, achieving etc. Just see if you can just let go of placing expectations and judgments on yourself and just feel an inner-directed kindness. Allow kindness in from anyone who is kind. I know that can be tricky. People can be lovely to me and I will still find a way to beat myself up, but I can feel at least a bit of a shift in that pattern towards greater self-kindness. So see if you can just feel and allow some of that kindness to filter into your system and calm the troubled parts in you.

 I know it isn’t easy so sending you much love and support and hope some of that reaches you. I can tell you are a sensitive, thoughtful and very worthy person. The world needs people like you so know you are important and worthy.

Take care,

ER