Im not coping

[Captain T]

Hi all. I just need to get this out somewhere. I am in a very dark place. I feel as though someone is sitting on my chest and have so much emotional pain yet feel numb at the same time. Im alone and lonely. I hate myself and who I am. I am so tired of fighting to get well and when I go to bed I pray to not wake up. I can’t keep going on like this. I need to get better

[Bob_22]

Hi Captain T,

Don't apologise. You are struggling at the moment and the whole point of these forums is to support people in any capacity we can. I'm sorry to hear that your father's cancer has spread to his lymph nodes. However, these days radiation therapy can work wonders and is something to be optimistic for hopefully. I'm sorry to hear that you're looking into another hospital admission but the time away might be good and allow you some time to recharge. You have a lot on your plate right now, especially with all your appointments and life commitments. It's ok to pull back and remove the mask. 

Hope things get brighter soon.

Bob

[Captain T]

Sorry it’s been a while since I posted. 

I haven’t been doing very well at all. Everyday is a struggle. Life is a struggle and I just don’t want to do it anymore. 

I’ve tried my hardest to get through this but I just keep failing. I feel so hopeless and worthless. Other than my dog, who is my whole world, there is just no purpose in my life. I go to work in a job I actually like, I don’t call in sick with my MH, I just keep turning up. 

On top of everything I’ve earns myself an eating disorder. That’s all that my team are focusing on. Do they not realise that there is more going on underneath it. 

Sorry for a negative post but I just needed to put it down somewhere. 

[Bob_22]

Hi Captain T,

It's good to hear from you albeit it in bad circumstances. Don't be sorry for the negative post. We are here to support you. What do you think is missing from your support team at the moment?

I know when I was in the midst of my depression, psychology, exercise and cbt did wonders. There is an evidence based cbt program for depression available online which is free. All you need to do is ask your GP or psychologist to register as a clinician and prescribe it to you. I have been using it with some of my clients at work. 

https://thiswayup.org.au/programs/depression-program/

Keep us updated.

Bob

[Captain T]

Hi Bob. 

I have done this way up. It was helpful I just need to learn to put it into practice. 

Im not sure if I’m allowed to write this. But I made a near fatal attempt 2 weeks ago. That’s where things have been at for me. It did scare me though.

My Case Manager has been fantastic and has supported me through it. 

Life is still a real struggle. My psychologist told me I was selfish and inconsiderate so the cut really deep. 

I can’t keep going on like this. But I guess I have to suck it up and keep trying. 

How is your job going? Have you been able to move out yet? 

[Captain T]

Im hoping by writing this I may go to sleep. 

In the last 31 hrs I have had 2 hrs sleep. Im so tired but just can’t nod off. 

There’s a lot going on in my world my next four days are jam packed and I have to mask at everything I do. I need to appear as a normal functioning person, when I’m

not and I’m far from it. I don’t know if that’s worrying me. Also tomorrow at 5 pm we give my mums dog her wings. That is devastating, I’ve cried a lot today and probably will tomorrow too. Im really worried how Pixie is going to cope. She loves Angel but how do you tell a dog that her mate has passed. Im taking her in after we let Angel go in the hope that she understands. 

My meds have been increased and now I’m not continually in a depressed state. Now my moods are all over the place. Im ‘normal’ for an hr or two, then I can have a lot of energy for an hr or two. I can be depressed for an hr or two. The energy can come with an elevated mood o a low mood. I can have no motivation or energy in an elevated mood or low mood. I get agitated really easily and snap at people. 

I go from wanting to hurt myself really badly to being content with life and that doesn’t depend on my mood. I still have suicidal thoughts often. 

I feel like I’m losing my mind. I forget things, I can’t concentrate and I vague out. 

I am so exhausted and tired by these rapid changes. I just feel depleted. I don’t know where I mentally sit. I do have a psychiatrist appointment next week so I’m hoping she can help resolve this. 

I want to give up. I won’t though. Too much is going on. We go on holidays on the 30th and come back in the 6th. Then dad starts his radiation on the 7th. Im hoping the holiday may be a reset. Maybe that’s what I need. I do have 4 days off from work before we go and 3 days off after we come back. The holiday is going to be hard on my mum because I’m still taking Pixie to all the places she loves. The only problem is that Angel loved them too.

Sorry this is just a rant but maybe getting it out will help me process everything. 

I just wish I wasn’t here so I didn’t have to deal with anything. 

[Bob_22]

Hi Captain T,

Thanks for the update. I'm sorry its taken me a few weeks to get back to you. Unfortunately I have been quite busy at work and TAFE and have been a bit drained. My job is going well and I'm looking to move out in a month or so which is exciting.

I'm sorry to hear that you've been struggling. Thank you for sharing with us about your recent suicide attempt. It sounds like your going through so much. Please don't be afraid to reach out to our counselling line when you need it. That's what we're here for. Please don't feel that you are "ranting". Know that we do appreciate your posts and are in this journey with you. And I hope it does help you process things. 

I hope the medication change works out for you. Generally it takes a few weeks though to notice any differences. Please inform your psychiatrist of any concerns in the upcoming visit. 

Until we hear from you next.

Bob

[Captain T]

Thanks Bob

I hope all is well with you?

It’s so good that you have been busy. Especially with your work. Are you still enjoying it? What are you studying at TAFE? I want to do my cert IV in mental health. I’m just not sure now is the right time for me. 

It must be so good to be planning the moving out phase. Will you be on your own? Most of my time I enjoy living on my own. I love having my own space.

The med changes are causing a lot of emotions. I’m have a lot of mixed episodes and rapid cycling. I was suppose to see my Psychiatrist tomorrow but it has been cancelled. I now have to wait until the 16th of this month. 

Im going away with my parents to see my brother next week so that is one week distraction. They are coming home early so I get to spend some time on my own. Then I have 2 days to unpack and do all the washing before I go back to work. So I’ll be quite busy I’m hoping it helps.

Dad starts his radiation the day after they get back. We lost mums dog last week so she will be able to spend some time with dad while he is having it. As sad as it is to lose her it’s has reduce some stress.

I have been quite depressed at times over this last week and have considered another attempt but I know I can’t. So that’s a good thing. But while I’ve been depressed most of the time I have energy and motivation. I can also be very angry, irritable and agitated. At times I have felt ‘normal’ but with nothing to give. It’s so hard and exhausting. 

My mood can also change within a couple of hours. Each day when I wake up my mood is different. I’m hoping with 5 days off before holidays I can try and stabilise it. I’m hoping by then the med adjustments will have fully kicked in and stabilised me. 

Im not preempting my mood changes either. I’m just taking every moment as it comes and dealing with what comes around.

Anyway. That’s where I’m sitting right now. 

Thank you so much for listening. 

[Captain T]

Im on struggle street tonight. Im feeling really depressed after being elevated last night. I guess that’s bipolar for you. Nothing has happened to cause the change it just happens.

My suicidal thoughts are really strong but I won’t act on them as everyone need me right now and I go away on Monday. Im hoping it will be a reset. 

Im trying to keep myself distracted from my self harm thoughts. So far I’m doing ok with them. At least my SH isn’t life threatening. 

I have so much to do tomorrow but I just do have the desire to do it. Maybe tomorrow will be a better day. My elevation wasn’t for long so I’m hoping that the crash won’t be long either. 

I feel like a failure for having these thoughts. I’ve been trying so hard and it still keeps happening. I am able to email

my Case manager while I’m away if I need too. Im lucky to have her support. 

Putting this down feels like a bit of weight off my shoulders. 

Thanks

[Captain T]

Sorry I keep posting… it’s for myself to let it out. 

Im going away tomorrow and I’m really anxious about it. It is going to be so hard being around my parents 24/7.

Especially when my moods are so erratic. 

Im more down than up. I don’t think I can hide it. I will go to bed way before them but it’ll be my only release. 

My ED is screaming at me because I’m going to have to eat around them. 

My SH urges are really loud. 

My suicidal thoughts are really strong. I won’t act on those though. 

I know this is just a repeat of last night but I need to write it out. 

I am struggling 

[Damelibellule]

Ah, this almost exactly describes what I feel right now though I'm also getting nauseous more often. The dark,  the loneliness,  the lack of hope,  I feel it.