Im not coping

[Captain T]

Hi all. I just need to get this out somewhere. I am in a very dark place. I feel as though someone is sitting on my chest and have so much emotional pain yet feel numb at the same time. Im alone and lonely. I hate myself and who I am. I am so tired of fighting to get well and when I go to bed I pray to not wake up. I can’t keep going on like this. I need to get better

[Captain T]

Hi Damelibellule

Im so sorry that you feel this way too. It’s a really hard place to be sitting in. 

It’s hard when you can’t see a way out other than ending your own life. But as someone said to me, you’ve gotten through 100% of these days before. In my case it was only just. But I guess there is a reason we are still here. Even though there is times we wish we weren’t. 

Maybe there is something good waiting for us around the corner. I just wish it would hurry up and appear. 

[Captain T]

I am done. I’ve had enough. 

[white knight]

Hi CT,

Often I recommend a post I posted years ago but in this case I'll paraphrase it to be more personal, the least I can do.

It was 45 years ago I was in the Air Force and picked up a hitch hiker near Ballarat. I was returning to my base north of Adelaide and I was only 22yo. This big strong guy entered my car and frankly I was a bit worried, he looked like a bikie without the bike. So, asked him where he was going "anywhere the road takes me". A bit abrupt after a while I noticed a tear in his eye. So I started slowly prodding the beast. 

He told me he had left his wife and baby in Frankston south of Melbourne as she slept with his best mate. So he spilled the whole story and at the end burst into tears. I dropped him off north of Adelaide and we swapped details.

6 months went by and I got a call from him, he was a cook at a cattle station in the NT. His demeanour was happy and he was in a new relationship with the daughter of the station. He recently rang his estranged wife and had developed a reasonable communication base so he could visit his son when ever he pleased.

You might recall I had a suicide attempt in 1996 that I never go into detail about except... prior I had recalled my dad saying to me (he'd died 4 years prior) "better to be a great part time dad than no dad at all". Those words saved me. A few months ago I went through almost as bad a situation and I recalled not only those words but the situation with that hitch hiker, as I walked around my town here in a terrible state. I walked into a medical centre and got the help I needed. I'm glad I did bacuase 2-3 days later I was back to normal.

So, one of the hardest things for us to do is to acknowledge that while in a bad place, there will be days very soon that will be good.

Get the help you need. Walk into any medical facility and say "I need to feel safe, I am at risk, please help".

Better to be a part time Captain... than no captain at all. We need you.

TonyWK

[Ggrand]

Hello Dear Captain T,

I’m sorry you’re having a hard time right right…

You know, that just by you being here on these forums, posting your thoughts and your fears, you are helping so many people…to not feel so alone, that takes a lot of courage….you are very much needed and very much appreciated by all those listening in here on your thread….Please never forget that, so never ever be sorry that you’re posting here….

I get knocked down with my PTSD…and fight my thoughts constantly about living, is it worth it?….somedays it’s no…other days it’s yes…yes always wins…because I believe that their is something good waiting for me around the corner….something worth fighting for…that belief you/we/I have is hope…and hope is a powerful thing to find and hold onto…Pleas Dear Captain T….never let go of your hope….it’s a beautiful thing to have..

Thinking of you with kindness and care….a very gentle caring hug 🤗…also if that’s okay..

Grandy..

[quirkywords]

Captain 2 

Many can relate to feeling done. There so many reading your posts who get support from your honest posts.nearly  4 years ago my shop and home were destroyed in bushfires. I keep gp8ng but it is hard at tim3s . I feel so exhausted but I am lucky I have support from family and the forums. This is a safe place to go when yo just need some support.

take care. 

[Captain T]

Thanks for all your reply’s. 
 

Im sorry that you have all been in this place. It’s not a good place to be in. 
 

It’s 1:30 in the morning and I just can’t get to sleep. I’m hoping that writing on here will help. 
 

I desperately want to die. I continually have suicidal thoughts. I won’t act in them though. So I am safe. 
 

I have seen my psychiatrist and see said that my ED isn’t helping with the absorption of my medication. But changing my eating habits is so hard. I have a new dietitian that is going to help with this by starting at the root cause of it.

Everyone is so focused on my eating that no one is interested in anything else. I need help with my thoughts. My eating isn’t important. My case manager is going to contact my psychologist in my behalf to work on what my psychiatrist wants. 
 

Maybe one day I will get in top of this. I’ve lost the hope though. I have no will to live. I know I need an impatient stay but dad is having his radiation and my dog has just had cruciate ligament surgery so I just can’t go. She needs rehab for 16 weeks. I can’t leave her when she needs me the most. 
 

Thanks for listening.

[Captain T]

So.. I made another attempt and failed. I’m a selfish, self-centred, inconsiderate person. 

[Sophie_M]

Hey Captain T,

It sounds like those self-critical thoughts are really strong right now and must be really tough to sit with. We are glad that you have been able to reach out here during such a difficult time.

Please know that there’s always someone here for you to talk it through with. The Beyond Blue counsellors are available 24/7 on 1300 22 4636.

Another option would be ringing Lifeline (13 11 14) or the Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467), who can talk things through with you, and help you to plan for your safety.  If you’re feeling suicidal or are having thoughts about harming yourself, it's important that you take immediate steps to keep safe. If you feel unable to keep yourself from acting on your thoughts about suicide or self-harm this is an emergency, and you need to call 000 (triple zero).   

We are really proud of you for being here today Captain T 💙

Take good care of yourself

Kind regards
Sophie M
 

[Eagle Ray]

Dear Captain T,

 I’m so glad you are still with us. Please try not to be hard on yourself. I know that can be so challenging. You are dealing with a lot and have shown courage by reaching out to communicate your feelings.

I’m just coming out of 8 very bad weeks and at my very worst two times in those weeks I called the Suicide Callback Service that Sophie has given the number of there. It was the most unsafe I’d felt with myself but each time I got a really helpful person who helped me to ground myself and make sense of and process my thoughts. So I just thought I’d mention it is really worth calling someone before acting on desperate feelings. I’ve also found just persisting until you get the right help can make such a difference too. So if you call one time and it doesn’t seem to have helped, just call again. Some people are particularly skilled at knowing how to be present with you and can help you through what can be chaotic thoughts and feelings.

Please take care and see if you can feel some gentleness and kindness towards yourself. See if you can rest and recover now. Sending you gentle and kind thoughts and care,

Eagle Ray

[Captain T]

I am hopeless. I am worthless. I am stupid. I am fat. I am ugly. I am nothing. 

Why even bother