Im not coping

[Captain T]

Hi all. I just need to get this out somewhere. I am in a very dark place. I feel as though someone is sitting on my chest and have so much emotional pain yet feel numb at the same time. Im alone and lonely. I hate myself and who I am. I am so tired of fighting to get well and when I go to bed I pray to not wake up. I can’t keep going on like this. I need to get better

[Captain T]

Hi everyone

Sorry I haven’t responded sooner but there is nothing good to say. My life is still going downhill. Just when I think I’ve hit rock bottom I fall even further. I don’t even feel like I’m existing anymore. I’m just a worthless, useless waste of space. I am so broken, like never before. 

I do have a psychiatrist appointment tomorrow so hopefully she can shed some light. 

Sorry everyone 

[Bob_22]

Hi Captain T,

No need to apologise. Thanks for the update. How did your psychiatrist appointment go?

Bob

[Captain T]

Hi Bob. 

The psychiatrist went ok. She has adjusted my meds again. To see if that helps. I’m going away for a few days in 2 weeks and hoping it’s a circuit breaker. If not I have to seriously consider hospital. That scares me but if it’s what I need to do to help then I guess I’ll consider it.

Hope all is well in your world. 

[Bob_22]

Hi Captain T,

Thanks for the update. I'm hoping the med adjustments help a bit and that you can get a few good days away. This is a good approach to have to hospital.

All is ok in my world thanks. Just plodding along with work and uni. Just wish I could start full time work soon and move out on my own.

Bob

[Captain T]

Sorry it’s been so long. 

The first part of my holiday wasn’t really good. I didn’t like the place I was in. On the way home I pulled up 30 mins from the turn off to the place I usually go and checked for accomodation with pets. I found one so I went there for the next 3 nights. I managed to catch up with a friend I haven’t seen for 23 yrs. It was good. 

When I came home I discovered that my dad probably has prostate cancer. He goes for a biopsy in a couple of weeks to confirm. 

I haven’t been doing really well though. I can’t consider hospital now as I need to be available to help my parents. 

I’m just wishing that my world would end. I am so severely depressed that I can’t even shower or get dressed. Im barely eating. I have had ‘those’ thoughts but I have people that need me. I just wish I could go to bed and never wake up. Then it wouldn’t be my fault.  

[JustTam84]

Hi captain T, I’m sorry it’s been so long since I wrote. I’m so sorry to see that you are still struggling. I am too still. I hope everything goes well for your dad. I too wish the earth would just swallow me up. I avoided this forum for so long because I didn’t want a reminder of how I felt. But who am I kidding, I still feel the same and I don’t see it getting better. Sending big hugs 

[Bob_22]

Hi Captain T,

Thanks for the update. It sounds like the holiday wasn't what you were hoping for. I'm sorry to hear about your father also. You have a lot to deal with at the moment and I can understand it will be depressing. I would recommend you check out Cancer Council. They offer advice, resources and support for anyone caring for others with cancer. You can find support here: https://www.cancercouncil.com.au/get-support/ 

This might help you feel less alone and understand more about how to help your father. Hope this helps.

Bob

[Captain T]

Hey guys

I did post on here last night but it wasn’t able to be published. They did call me for support though. It helped me a lot and got me out of the crisis level I was in. I’m still in a really bad way and want it all to end but I don’t think I will do it to myself. 

Im sorry you are still struggling JustTam. I know how hard it is. I hope you can get some relief soon. We all need and deserve it. 

Thanks for the link Bob. I’ll look into if dads biopsy comes back positive. I hope you are well and get a permanent job soon. 

[white knight]

Hi Capt T,

I'm sad you arent feeling well. I've been where you are mentally right now. 1996. And there has been many times since that I've approached such low times, thought about that grim day back 27 years ago. 

In the 10 years I've been on this forum I've written many an article that attempts to "save" those of you that is walking the dark path. In one it says to take any avenue you can possibly think of to remove yourself from the environment that is holding you to that track.

I picked up a hitch hiker once. After some time he told me he wanted to end his life. He'd found his partner in bed with his mate. He had a son A toddler. As he had no direction I convinced him to take up a job at a large sheep station some 1500km from his home. 6 months later he rang me, he'd established himself as the head cook at the station, regularly flies to Melbourne to take his son on a camping trip and got on well with his ex partner.

The change of environment is a crucial element in removing yourself from whatever it is that keeps you on that dark path. 

https://forums.beyondblue.org.au/t5/staying-well/when-all-is-lost-what-can-you-do-be-radical/td-p/47...

your thoughts?

TonyWK

[Captain T]

Thanks for replying WhiteKnight

I don’t know what is holding me in this place. I can’t up and leave as I have a good job that I enjoy and a mortgage to pay. 

All I know is that I really need help. I have a case manager, psychologist and psychiatrist. But it doesn’t seem to be helping. They all tell my that I’m recovering but I just can’t see it. There is no light at the end of the tunnel.