Im not coping

[Captain T]

Hi all. I just need to get this out somewhere. I am in a very dark place. I feel as though someone is sitting on my chest and have so much emotional pain yet feel numb at the same time. Im alone and lonely. I hate myself and who I am. I am so tired of fighting to get well and when I go to bed I pray to not wake up. I can’t keep going on like this. I need to get better

[Captain T]

Hi all

I have been doing kind of ok. Still have to wait until Thursday for dads final results. 

But in the last 3 days I’ve struggled to get out of bed. All I do is get up feed my little Pix and then she go back to bed. I haven’t showered or eaten in those 3 days. 

Im just hoping by getting this out it may help change the direction I’m headed. 

Im struggling with negative and unhealthy thoughts. 

Thanks for listening 

[Captain T]

It’s all gotten much worse. 

[Captain T]

Today is no better. I am safe. 

I wish I wasn’t here. I just feel so hopeless and worthless. I’ve just got nothing to give. 

I’ve had a psychologist appt today and don’t feel any better for it. She is contacting my GP with her concerns around where my MH is and my eating and weighing issues. 

I don’t even know why I’m writing this. I just need to get it out in a safe place I guess. 

[white knight]

Hi T,

When we are down we dont see the light, therefore more the reason to here it from others that there is a light there.

You being in this near continuous darkness means to me that things arent tuned the way they should be. Hence you really need to review meds, therapy and care plans. Everything really. 

You've mentioned previously-

• feel worthless
• no confidence
• haven't had a psychologist but you are waiting
• cared, embarrassed, ashamed
• have suicidal thoughts
• lonely
• heavy chest
• depression

The fact is T that you need professional help desperately. Getting in though for an appointment isnt easy as most of their appointments are made up with equally desperate people. What I can say from experience however, is that once on the correct medicine from a correct diagnosis all you'll need to do is continue with appointments and tweak your dosage.

Having found the right dosage from my experience make  a huge difference in that it enables you to escape that darkness and once you do that you can implement positive outcomes, it is a domino effect that cant take place until you are treated.

Do you understand this?

When is your appointment?

TonyWK

[Bob_22]

Hi Captain T,

Sorry for the delay in getting back to you. I'm so sorry to hear that this last week has been a huge struggle. I'm glad however that you've found the strength to come here. Please be sure to follow up with your GP. If you find you are not connecting with your psychologist then be sure to touch base with someone else in your support network. Even if that means coming here daily and writing down your thoughts. We don't always respond but I try and read everything written here at least once a week. Hope you are doing a little better today.

Bob

[Captain T]

Hey TK. 

I think I need a med review but my case manager has gotten me an appt with my psychiatrist yet. I’m hoping one day we will find the right combination.

I now have a psychologist and we are slowly working through things. I feel I need it to go faster to get through this but if we go too hard I end up in a crisis. 

My case manager is leaving and isn’t as good as my old one. So I either get a new one next month or my old one back. I’m hoping if I get my old one back she will be able to better support me. 

I know that I’m in a dangerous place and it won’t let up. I really am working hard with my team. I see my case manager Wednesday. My psychologist next Wednesday, my GP next Thursday and my dietitian also that day.

Thanks for your support.

Hey Bob

Thanks for your support. Yeah I’m still struggling really badly it just seems way too hard. I feel like I’m at appts all the time. Most of my days off I have at least one appt. I am trying to get it together but I just keep failing. The more I fail the worse I get. 

Dads results came through and his cancer has spread to his lymph nodes in his prostate region. But not any further than that. Surgery is now out of the question. But radiation is an option. We are waiting to hear from the radiation professor as to what he can do. Dad has started hormone treatment and has to have it for 2 years. 

[Captain T]

I just need to get this out. Sorry. 

Im so low that I can’t even mask it anymore. I have an appt. that goes for 4 hours and I need to pretend to be ok. It’s just too hard to do. Then tomorrow I have an 8 hour day where I have to try and fake it for that long. Then the same the next day. I also have a friend coming around this afternoon after my Case Manager appointment. 

I am so exhausted both physically and mentally. I just can’t seem to be able to face the day. I just feel unable to face anyone. I know it’s a really rough patch and should improve but right now I don’t see the light. 

Sorry for the negativity. I’m just hoping by getting it out it may make things a little easier. 

[white knight]

Hi T

Is your friend visit optional? If you are not well then it seems to me better to delay a visit.

At the end of the day if you are not functioning I would visit the emergency department of your local hospital or book an emergency appointment with your GP. There is only so much others can do, we have our limits with advice, then its beyond our expertise.

BTW I never "pretend" to be anyone, I dont quite understand your need for that but I'm sure you have your situation to deal with that I am unaware.

You have a long road but the dawn is not far away.

TonyWK

[Captain T]

Sorry TK

It’s been a really long week. I’ve had long days being with people and my friend has been here everyday. I’m really useless and stupid because I can’t so no. 

Now tonight I have my brother and 3 others coming to stay. We are having a bbq with my parents coming as well. My 2 biggest triggers are my mum and brother. But it’s expected of me to have them and feed everyone. 

Im not pretending to be anyone else just faking that I’m ok. It’s now at the point that I can’t even fake it anymore. 

I’ve got work tomorrow so that’s a good thing. I can get away and sit in my truck and be on my own. I need the break from people.

I am looking into a short admission in between dads appts when we find out when they are. 

Sorry for being too hard for everyone. I just feel like I’m too hard for myself. 

[white knight]

You aren't hard on anyone. 

When people visit my home I often tell my wife I'm going for a nap. 

I'm learning about triggers more now, one key idea being to endorse just one thing others say that you agree with eg

They say- "I'm frustrated at the Govt with petrol prices" you reply "I can understand your frustration ". 

That way you actually aren't getting involved.

TonyWK