Im not coping

[Captain T]

Hi all. I just need to get this out somewhere. I am in a very dark place. I feel as though someone is sitting on my chest and have so much emotional pain yet feel numb at the same time. Im alone and lonely. I hate myself and who I am. I am so tired of fighting to get well and when I go to bed I pray to not wake up. I can’t keep going on like this. I need to get better

[Captain T]

Hello all. 
 

TonyWK. I have bipolar and anxiety too. It saddens me that you still have swings but it gives me hope that maybe one day I will find the happy medium. I know everyone’s normal is different, I just want to find mine. I guess one day I will. I just need to give it time and have patience. My work hours place havoc on my sleep but I do love my job mostly. I work shift work but I do have a sleep routine during my work blocks. 
 

Smallwolf. Thanks for your support with dads cancer. We find out more tomorrow when he sees the specialist again. Hopefully it is good news and it hasn’t spread. I’ve been talking to my Case manager and my dietitian about it. My dietitian is a MH one. Both have been really supportive. 
 

Hi Bob. I’m so glad that the job is working out for you. I have looked at the links but so far I am dealing ok with it. I will wait and see what tomorrow brings. As I said above my CM and dietitian have been amazing. 
 

I am currently in a pretty bad place. 
 

I am overweight due to all the meds I’m in. It’s really getting me down. I feel as though if I can control my weight it will make everything easier. In recent weeks I’ve been working on it and have lost a little. But the problem is it’s probably not the healthy way. I’ve been weighing myself everyday. I don’t weigh myself when I’m working though as I eat to much while on shift. However my dietitian is starting to get concerned. What I think is excessive is apparently not. I rectify eating too much at work while I’m on my days off. To me it seems to be working. However, she doesn’t seem to think so. She has booked me in for an earring disorder assessment in 5 weeks.  So now I feel I need to work really hard to get the weight off before I see her again. I don’t have an ED I’m just trying to remove the excess from the meds. I have a goal and will adjust my eating habits when I reach it. 
 

Anyway sorry I have still failed with life. I feel I will never get to that contented medium. 
 

Sorry for a long post. I just needed to get it all out. 

[white knight]

Hi T,

So good seeing others chip in here. Long posts isnt an issue at all. 

I worked shift work for several years. It isnt good for MH and I'd have to eat while on shift to stay awake. A diet was impossible for me and now I'm 67yo and have given up on worrying about my weight. Everytime I naturally lose a few kilograms I say to myself "it will be back on in a few days" and it is. The level of worry is greater than the weight loss as is highlighted by you weighing yourself every day.

So everything within reason but you have a dietician and I'm all for members seeking professional help So stay tuned with them.

Finally, when we are in a dark place we should adjust our priorities to ourselves.

• Do everything with yourself as number 1
• Everything within reason not excess. 
• Basics. Back to basics. Can back to basic help you? - Beyond Blue Forums - 131920

Good luck with your dad. 

TonyWK

[Captain T]

Thanks TonyWK

Shift work is so hard on your MH. It’s good that you understand. I have to eat on nightshift especially. I drive a truck so I need to stay alert. My industry likes female truckies.

I did an online assessment for eating disorders. I was sent a link. It seems that all is not ok. But I can’t change it and don’t want to. I guess my dietitian will help and also the rest of my team. 

I really do need to try and focus on myself to help me through this. I did something a little silly last night but I am ok now. The world is still so difficult but I have to make it through. I need to think of others.

Thanks for your support. 

Captain T

[Sophie_M]

Hey Captain T,

Thank you for sharing this update. We hear you, the world can be so difficult, but it's so good that you can share your story and your focus on getting through this here. 

We're reaching out to you privately to offer some support, as it sounds like it might have been a  difficult night. Thanks for sharing in your post that you're ok now. It's always worth reaching out if you're not sure things are ok, and we're always here for you if you'd like to. 

Another thing that might be worth a mention is safety planning. We won't share the whole low down in case you're already across it, but you can find out more here, if you'd like to.

Hope you don't mind us popping in. Thanks everyone on this thread for holding space for these conversations - they are so important. 

Kind regards, 

Sophie M

[Bob_22]

Hi Captain T,

Thank you for your kind words and encouragement. I saw my first client yesterday which was nerve wracking and exciting. I think I will enjoy working with clients. 

I'm sorry to hear that you're struggling alot at the moment with everything going on including your dad's diagnosis, weight, work etc. It is good to hear though that you have a supportive case manager and dietitian. A good case manager makes a world of difference. 

Please don't feel like you have to alter your routine or lose weight before your assessment. They will likely give you some tips on weight management during the session but an Eating Disorder diagnosis is not likely unless you exhibit specific signs/behaviours. Regardless, a diagnosis can be temporary and the stigma around ED is much better than it used to be. I have also struggled with my weight since starting medication, especially antipsychotics. I have put on approximately 10kg this year alone. The best thing I have found is to prepare meals before TAFE or work which limits how much fast food I buy. It's also easier on the wallet. I don't specifically measure how much food I eat or what I eat. But I find if I have a structure and am not snacking all the time that my weight seems to stabilise.

Anyway, let us know how you go over the next week or so. Remember that we are here for you and that you can always contact BB if you need to talk to someone urgently. I hope things at work are going ok also.

Bob

[Captain T]

So the results of the last test for dad have come through. It’s not good news. The cancer has spread and it’s near his bowel. We have to wait for the next test. If it’s spread to his bowel then there is nothing they can do other than hormone treatment.  If it hasn’t spread any further then he can have it removed and radiation. 

It’s not what I needed to hear right now. 

I feel really selfish. I don’t know if I can take it. It’s not about me. 

[smallwolf]

hello.

I'm so sorry to hear about your dad's latest results. It's also understandable if you're feeling overwhelmed and upset or even angry right now. Your emotions are valid, and it's not selfish to have those feelings. Your concern for your dad shows how much you care for him.

In times like this, it's also essential to take care of yourself too. Reach out to your loved ones, friends, or support groups for comfort and understanding. Don't hesitate to lean on others for help and strength. 

I want you to know that you are not being selfish for feeling the way you do. Your feelings are natural and part of the process of dealing with challenging situations like this. Take care of yourself, and be there for your dad as he goes through this journey. My thoughts are with you and your family during this difficult time.

[Captain T]

I feel so selfish. I had a failed attempt last week. But I’m that selfish that I didn’t think about my parents needing me. I only thought of myself. 

Dads scan got canceled as the machine broke down. He did have an appointment with the radiation professor. If he goes the surgery route he has a 30% chance of survival. If he has radiation instead he has a 70%. But it depends on this last scan. Whenever he can get it. 

There is so much stress right now. I’m really struggling to hold it together. 

[Sophie_M]

Hey Captain,

It sounds like an incredibly stressful time. Thank you for sharing an update with your friends here. 

We just wanted to reach out and let you know the Beyond Blue Support Service is here for you, if you'd like to chat any of this through more immediately. We can hear there's a lot going on and you're managing news as it comes. We're always here for those moments, on 1300 22 4636, or online. 

Thanks for your bravery and kindness in sharing here, Captain T. It's not an easy move but we and many others are grateful that you can share your story. 

Kind regards, 

Sophie M

[Bob_22]

Hi Captain T,

Thanks for the update. It's so saddening to hear about your dad's scan results. I hope it hasn't spread to his bowel. Please take care of yourself and do not feel selfish for doing so. It is important you prioritise your health now more than ever. I was the same when my mum had cancer. I felt selfish but if I didn't take care of myself I wouldn't get through. Hope that helps.

Bob