Im not coping

[Captain T]

Hi all. I just need to get this out somewhere. I am in a very dark place. I feel as though someone is sitting on my chest and have so much emotional pain yet feel numb at the same time. Im alone and lonely. I hate myself and who I am. I am so tired of fighting to get well and when I go to bed I pray to not wake up. I can’t keep going on like this. I need to get better

[Captain T]

I went to the psychiatrist and the appointment went well. I’ve had another medication change and she apologised for not finding the right combination yet. She is so lovely. Im hoping this finally works. 

I’ve fallen back into that dark place after going through a triggering time yesterday. Now I have to start that climb back out again. It took so much strength last time. Will I have enough strength to do it again? Im just hoping that it’s just the aftermath of yesterday.

I spent 3 hrs asleep this afternoon instead of being at work. I just couldn’t face a whole day at work. 

I know that before I do anything final I have to give this lot of medication a try. I am sick of always falling back down so far and feeling like I have to start again. Will recovery ever happen? 

[Bob_22]

Hi Captain T,

Thanks for the update. It's great to hear your appointment went well and that you're having good sessions with your doctor. I'm sorry that you had a rough day on Thursday. Believe us when we say that recovery will happen. I used to think the exact same thing when I was in a similar situation to you and unfortunately, as I mentioned in my previous post, it is just a matter of patience and hope sometimes. Hopefully the medication change will work and will be the final one but like I said, there are always options. Please reach out to your supports if you need to talk to someone and as you have been, keep us updated :). I'm glad you post to the forums regularly and hope that it gives you some support also. 😊💙

[Captain T]

I don’t know if I’m going through withdrawals or it’s the change in medications but I have been so angry lately. I take it out on anyone that talks to me so I’ve been trying to distance myself from everyone. I just want to yell, scream and shout. I just don’t know how to get it out safely. I have organised an app tomorrow to try and help me work through it. 

I will try and be patient and let the recovery take the time it needs. Just hoping that one day it will start to get easier. 

Thanks for your support Bob

[Captain T]

I feel like I’m about to fall apart. I have so much fear and social anxiety developing. 

[Bob_22]

Hi Captain T,

Thanks so much for the update. I'm sorry to hear that you feel you're falling apart and that the last few days have been especially difficult. How did your appointment go yesterday? Did you get any tips? Please remember if you are struggling and need someone to talk to immediately you can always chat to a counsellor here at beyond blue by going here: https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/talk-to-a-counsellor 

I'm not trying to give medical advice but I know for me personally I always struggle with medication changes. Especially if starting a new medication I will typically experience some heightened anxiety for a week or two before things calm down. I'm not sure about yourself but again perhaps something worth discussing with your doctor or psychologist? Regardless, be sure to reach out if you feel like you can't cope and remember that we're here for you also. 💙

Bob

[Captain T]

Thanks Bob

Hopefully the anxiety will settle and it’s just the meds. My appointment went well we just talked through things. It had been a massive week of appointments and triggers. She said I can call her anytime I feel I need help this week as I’m going away. 

A holiday to the beach sounds great. However I have to go with my parents as we are seeing my brother. He is definitely the favourite child and can do no wrong. All he does is put me down. Also my childhood trauma that helped cause my MI was done by my mother and she is still the same. 

I need to find the strength to cope with the negative atmosphere. I’m hoping that I will be able to have some alone time. 

[Captain T]

So far I haven’t been able to get any alone time. All the snide remarks and the little comments are really bringing back my childhood trauma. I feel like im still there. 
One parent complaining about the other to me. Why do they need to involve me. I feel like I’m that 10yr old child again. I wish I could feel like an equal. But I guess I’m just nothing in their eyes. It makes you wonder what the point of it all is. 

[Bob_22]

Hi Captain T,

Thanks for the update. I'm sorry to hear your holiday hasn't been going well and you haven't been able to any alone time. It can be difficult to unwind especially when we believe others are talking about us behind our back. I would perhaps recommend trying some of these relaxation exercises/mindfulness to try and tune out everyone else and focus on yourself. Just a few minutes a day can be very helpful from personal experience: https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/staying-well/relaxation-exercises 

Hope that helps 💙

Bob

[Captain T]

Sorry for the delayed response.

I did get some alone but was only granted an hour a day. The are so controlling. 

I have come home and I’ve been going through a really rough patch. I did consider ending it. But I am starting to come through the other side. Hopefully it’s onwards and upwards from here. 

[Bob_22]

Hi Captain T,

Thanks for the update. I'm glad to hear that things might potentially be looking up. I hope the medication starts to help for you soon as well. Though I know it takes a while and can be a bit of an adjustment period. Take care of yourself. 💙

Bob