Im not coping

[Captain T]

Hi all. I just need to get this out somewhere. I am in a very dark place. I feel as though someone is sitting on my chest and have so much emotional pain yet feel numb at the same time. Im alone and lonely. I hate myself and who I am. I am so tired of fighting to get well and when I go to bed I pray to not wake up. I can’t keep going on like this. I need to get better

[Captain T]

I went to the GP and felt heard when I told her everything about how I feel and my attempt. Nothing has change. She is talking to my nurse about the psychiatrist so all 3 are communicating. Hopefully something will come of that. She also said someone would ring me whether it’s the GP or my nurse. Hopefully it doesn’t involve hospital. I don’t really understand what hospital entails. 

[Bob_22]

Hi Captain T,

Thanks so much for your update. Great to hear that your GP appointment went well and that you felt heard. It's also great that your nurse, GP and psychiatrist are all communicating now! Let us know how the upcoming phone call goes and what the plan entails. I hope it doesn't involve hospital either but if it's necessary it may sometimes be the best course of action. I know it certainly was for me. TC💙

Bob

[ecomama]

Hi Captain T, thankyou for letting us know how you're doing. 

I'm so glad to hear your medical and psychological support people are communicating now. 
That's AMAZING. 

Let's hope something good comes out of it for you. 

IDK what a hospital stay entails either. 
I guess it depends upon the patient AND the hospital. 
This course of action seemed to be a good step for Bob_22, so it could have the same positive impact for you! 

Not being able to tolerate anti depressants must be a bummer if you wanted them to work for you. 
My system doesn't tolerate them AT ALL... I was so much worse but that's me. 
We're all individuals. 

I did take the alternative therapies route and stay on this... but this was combined with many changes in my lifestyle also. Like completely OBLIQUE changes. 
I feel that mostly any depressive thoughts are pretty well managed nowadays. 
Still we're all individuals and there's no ONE right way in our journeys. 
And that's the pickle really. 

We care about you CT and love to read your updates, 
Love EMxxxx

[Captain T]

I haven’t heard from anyone. So I still don’t know what is going on. 

I pushed myself to go to a work thing on Friday night. It was really hard but I did open up to one of them about my MH struggle. I hopefully now have support at work. 

It took so much out of me though. That yesterday I was so extremely mentally and emotionally exhausted that I considered ending it. But after a massive nights sleep today hasn’t been as big of a struggle.

[Bob_22]

Hi Captain T,

Sorry you didn't hear from anyone during the week. Perhaps follow up with your nurse tomorrow to see if there is an update? Great to hear that you went to work and spoke to someone. You should be proud for opening up and seeking support. I understand you must feel drained as you have done a lot of emotional labour. Sleep helps and just be gentle with yourself. You are in a turbulent phase at the moment so be kind to yourself and do some self care. Keep us updated and hope you are feeling well today. 💙

Bob

Bob

[Captain T]

Sorry guys. It’s been awhile and I’ve had lots going on. I’ve had difficulty staying safe. I’ve unofficially be diagnosed with a personality disorder. I see the psychiatrist this coming week so hopefully I will have a clearer idea. 

I’m just completely confused and overwhelmed. I’m starting to doubt ever recovering 

[Ggrand]

Hello Dear Captain T,

I am really sorry to hear that your having difficulty staying safe….I can relate to that difficulty, this past week, I have been struggling to keep myself safe….things do change for us….they really do, even if right now you don’t believe that….each day we make it through, does becomes just that little bit easier for us….until slowly we come back to ourselves in the here and now..(the present time)….

Sleep is so very important for us…..as you mentioned after a massive nights sleep you felt that your struggling eased your struggling a bit….I am beginning to believe that if we go to sleep in a calming state, then we wake up more prepared to start our fresh new day….I listen to gentle sleep stories, narrated by Dan Jones and fall asleep  intently listening to the beautiful places he has taken us too….Maybe you could give this a try…

I am pleased to hear you have a psychiatrist visit coming up in the next week…..He/she should be able to properly diagnose you and hopefully start you on meds (if your for that), that will hopefully help you towards wellness….

Dear Captain T, I know it’s hard to believe that recovery is possible….without believing and having faith in ourselves it’s so much harder to recover…..please try to keep those alive inside of your beautiful soul…

I do so much wish that with the help of your psychiatrist, your journey takes a turn around towards a peaceful and more better life mentally for you….

My kindest thoughts, with my care Dear Captain T….

Grandy…

[Bob_22]

Hi Captain T,

No worries at all. Thanks for the update. It's good to hear that the picture is becoming a bit clearer now with the personality disorder and hopefully your psychiatrist will be able to give some more clarity/guidance. I understand you may feel overwhelmed and doubt your recovery but please acknowledge you have made some great steps over the last few weeks alone. I know its tough and unfortunately recovery can sometimes be two steps forward and one step back but as long as we stay committed it is definitely worth it in the end. 💙

Bob

[Captain T]

Thanks Bob and Grandy

I had a therapist appointment today and it actually went well. She helped me to understand where my social phobia stems from.

I told her everything that has been happening for me including my suicide attempt. It was the best session that I have had with her for a while. 

At the moment I feel nothing. Not happy not sad not depressed just nothing. It’s a weird and horrible feeling. 

I do want to recover, some days I just can’t try but mostly I do try. At the moment I feel like it’s one step forward and two steps back. Hopefully that will change and become the other way around. 

[Bob_22]

Hi Captain T,

Thanks for the update. It's great to hear that you had a productive appointment with your therapist. I'm sorry that your recovery isn't running as smooth as would be ideal. Certainly during my recovery there has been alot of points where it was one step forward and two steps back - but I think this is normal. What's important is that you keep putting in the work and remain hopeful throughout the process. My doctor says it eventually pays off in the end. Keep us updated and try to stay strong. You have done great. 💙

Bob