Im not coping

[Captain T]

Hi all. I just need to get this out somewhere. I am in a very dark place. I feel as though someone is sitting on my chest and have so much emotional pain yet feel numb at the same time. Im alone and lonely. I hate myself and who I am. I am so tired of fighting to get well and when I go to bed I pray to not wake up. I can’t keep going on like this. I need to get better

[JustTam84]

Hi Captain T

How did work go? I know it may not feel like it, and I’m not sure if this is your first time in a dark place, but it does get better. It really does. I know it feels like forever when you are in that place, but you will look back at this soon enough and be so proud of yourself for how strong you actually are. 
you can do this, and it will be over, just keep holding onto that hope Captain T x

[Bob_22]

Hi Captain T,

Great to hear you had a productive call with your team and that you can call them in an emergency now. Hope you are feeling better with the adjusted medication and additional support. 💙

Bob

[Captain T]

I am safe now

Work didn’t go well. I have had emotions from being happy to attempting to take my life and everything in between. All in 5 days. 

[Bob_22]

Hi Captain T,

Thanks for the update. Great to hear you're safe. Yes, it sounds like you have been on a rollercoaster for the last few weeks but glad to hear that there have been periods of happiness. Please keep us updated and as mentioned before, hope the adjusted medication and support from your new team is going well. Hope work improves for you too. It sounds like the HR team is quite supportive so be sure to let them know if you need anything or adjustments in the work place! 💙

Bob

[Captain T]

My meds adjustment should be stating to kick in but I don’t think the mood stabilisers are. I guess that’s a conversation I need to have. I did talk to my nurse in Monday to discuss my suicide attempt so she is pretty up to date with everything 

[therising]

Hi Captain T

So many emotions in such a short period of time. So much easier when we've got one single constructive reliable emotion to help ground us. So incredibly hard when when that grounding emotion isn't there.

Are you able to pick some of your triggers? Not sure if it will help to offer some factors that set me off into periods of emotional instability at times:

1. When natural aspects of self are out of control. You can have the adventurer in you, the critic in you, the free spirited aspect or soulful aspect of self, the philosopher, the analyst and the feeler all popping up over a period of days. One day the adventurer can dictate 'Okay, you need to do something today, something so outstanding that it just blows your mind'. You feel fueled by inspiration as you try yet it just doesn't go to plan. Cue the brutal degrading inner critic, 'You really think changing your life is that easy?! You're hopeless at life and always will be'. The inner critic can be so depressing. The next day, upon waking, that soulful sense of self may start the day with something like 'You're so hard on yourself. You need to be much kinder. Go get yourself some nourishment, some breakfast, and just relax'. While at breakfast, you can begin philosophising over the meaning of life, why you're here, what it's all about, why you're suffering so much etc etc. On it goes, to the analyst or inner psychologist and then the feeler that feels it all so deeply. I've found establishing a solid core sense of self can help in reigning in all aspects of who we are. I suppose you'd call it 'The manager'.
2. Other people leading to a shift in emotion. Whether someone leads us to anger or stress or we're feeling their anger or stress, believing it's our own, being surrounded by a lot of mood shifters can be a massive challenge. One day someone can lead us to an incredible inspiring epiphany that vibes us up, the next we can have someone who brings us down in a flash. I've learned the skill of emotional detachment can be a handy one when you're surrounded by a lot of mood shifters
3. Constantly shifting inner dialogue that sets the mood/emotion (at any given time)

Hope some of that helps❤️

[Captain T]

Now my MH nurse has said I’m in a deep depression. 

[Bob_22]

Hi Captain T,

Thanks for the update. It's great to hear that you touched base with your mental health team. How do you feel about this conversation? I know when I was diagnosed with depression it was a relief to know that it had been detected and recognised. Hope work is going okay.

Bob

[Captain T]

I’ve been diagnosed with depression in the past but it hasn’t been this bad. Usually I get given anti-depressants and work through it. However they send me into a hypo so I can’t have them. 

It does explain why I can’t just get out of this slump.

She is getting in contact with my psychiatrist and I have a GP app on Wednesday so I just have to hold on to then. I was almost admitted. I had to promise to stay safe over the weekend and daily email checkins.

I go back to work on Monday. 

Thank you so much for your support 

[Bob_22]

No worries Captain T! Thanks for the update. Maybe have a chat to your psychiatrist or GP during the week when you have your appointment and talk about the side effects of the medication. They can maybe prescribe something different that doesn't have the same side effects. Tc

Bob