Im not coping

[Captain T]

Hi all. I just need to get this out somewhere. I am in a very dark place. I feel as though someone is sitting on my chest and have so much emotional pain yet feel numb at the same time. Im alone and lonely. I hate myself and who I am. I am so tired of fighting to get well and when I go to bed I pray to not wake up. I can’t keep going on like this. I need to get better

[therising]

Hi Captain T

I hate that; just when you think you're on the up turn, you can feel yourself heading south again. If you're anything like me, a down turn can trigger a major period of contemplation with a lot of questioning, with that #1 question being 'What the heck is the trigger this time?' or could that be 'What's wrong with me?'. Either one.

I think we tend to cycle around through learning experiences. This is what I've found, myself. Every time I cycle 'round, I hit on some revelation. My goodness it can be a somewhat slow and depressing education sometimes, this school of hard knocks. I honestly can't believe how many triggers I have, Captain T. There are a poop load😄 It's taken me years to reach the conclusion that when I go into a downer it's because I'm facing a learning experience. I'm facing something depressing, that I don't necessarily realise is depressing. I can feel it's impact though. Boy can you feel it. While some experiences may take me hours to work out, others can take days, weeks, months and even years. I can be facing the same issue over and over again for years before one of those 'Oh my god! Are you serious?!' revelations kicks in. When you realise a certain nature you possess has been the common thread for multiple problems and you finally work out where the thread began, it's truly mind altering. For example, you can be thinking for years something along the lines of 'Why can't I love myself?'. Suddenly the conclusion is reached 'I was never educated on how to truly love myself and life. I was never even shown how to respect myself'. While we're at it, what the heck is love and self respect? What in god's name were we taught, growing up?

With that angel on one shoulder and devil on the other, can be so hard to believe the angelic inner dialogue. Yes, you are strong. Listen to that, whether you believe it or not. So cruel when that devilish internal dialogue is so much louder and so much more believable. Can definitely create somewhat of a hell on earth at times.

[Captain T]

Thanks guys. 

I’m feeling pretty low but safe. I hope I have the strength to keep it short term and return back to the good days. I’ll just focus on distractions

[Captain T]

I just keep getting lower

[therising]

It's a horrible place to be in when the low just keeps getting lower. Do you have any idea what may have led you to the low? Anything come to mind, no matter how insignificant it may appear to be? Something someone said that maybe you didn't think had an impact at the time? Maybe it's a depressing lack of energy. A basic lack of energy is one thing but a depressing lack...well...I find it can be pretty mind altering at times. Perhaps a depressing lack of answers in regard to where you're at, at this point. Can be so hard to pick what leads us into a torturous low at times.

[Captain T]

I have put on a fair bit of weight with the medication that I was changed to. Maybe that’s it. I don’t know. A few people have made a joke of me at work in the last couple of days. It was all in fun but it was hard to take. That’s all I can think of. 

I just keep going further down. I was doing so well for the last couple if days. This cycle just makes me want to give up. But I guess I haven’t come this far for nothing. It’s so deflating to constantly spiral down. I guess the harder it is the stronger I will be if I make it through. 

I’ll  go to bed and hope tomorrow is a better day. 

Thank you. 

[therising]

Hi Captain T

People can be so tormenting. What the heck is their issue? Don't you just hate it when you say 'Why would you say that?!' or 'That's not very nice', to which they typically respond with 'You're way too sensitive'. Grrr! Yes I'm sensitive and proud of it. Not hard for a person who's good at sensing to be able to sense foolishness or insensitivity. I can feeeel it, through my mental/physical (emotional) response. If you look at emotion as energy in motion within the the body, it becomes 'What sort of energy is that, that I'm feeling?'. Then it can be a matter of 'Ooh, I know that one, that's pure rage' or 'That's overwhelming compassion' or 'That's the feeling that comes with facing a depressing degrading person who's amusing themself at my expense'. One of the ways I manage people's 'fun' involves me choosing to amuse myself. These days 'You're too sensitive'' is something I have fun with: 'You know, based on my 'sensitivity', I can feel you making a stupid comment. You can't feel that? What's wrong with you? I do believe you're broken.' 😂 I found, how I perceive determines how I feel. While I once perceived 'You're too sensitive' as depressing, that's how I felt it. While I perceived it as angering, that's how I felt it. Now I perceive it as 'An invitation to amuse myself'. Took me years to reach this point.

Every emotion/feeling is an invitation; 'An invitation to what?' becomes the question. Is it an invitation for wittiness, for self questioning, for becoming upstanding, standing up for our self? Is it an invitation to explore physical dis-ease/disease in us etc?

Could you be feeling chemistry, the med? Could it be the med's more a 'downer' than an 'upper'? Not saying it's the med, just wondering. Us feelers don't feel for no good reason. We're designed this way.

[Petal22]

Hi Captain T,

Im sorry you have been feeling a bit low.

Im also sorry that your work colleague said to you what they did……. please know it’s a reflection of the person that they are and it’s not you.

People in this world really need just to be kind…. They have no idea of what you have been through.

People really need educating sometimes.

Captain T, what you can do with this type of behaviour from others is know this:

“ We can’t always control what other people do in our lives “

but

” What we can control is our reaction to it”.

By practicing this skill what others do will no longer be able to hurt you internally because you can learn to vibrate higher.

When someone says something negative to me I just like to think we are just on different levels and this is showing me the level this person is on.

I choose to let go of what they have said and not let it effect me internally.

This takes practice…….

Sometimes I just tell myself it’s a reflection of the person and I wish them healing because if they feel the need to say negative things then they obviously have something inside them that needs healing.

Keep up your great work and try to practice on keeping your internal system calm……

If you can stay calm in an un calm situation you WIN!

It all takes inner work and practice but it can be mastered. ❤️

[Captain T]

I just keep getting lower and lower. 

[Captain T]

So this morning has started out well. I think that maybe I’m coming out of the dark again. This time it wasn’t as bad. Hopefully that is a good sign

[Petal22]

Good morning Captain T,

Thats great 😊 the spaces in between will get shorter and shorter.

Keep working on your skills.