Im not coping

[Captain T]

Hi all. I just need to get this out somewhere. I am in a very dark place. I feel as though someone is sitting on my chest and have so much emotional pain yet feel numb at the same time. Im alone and lonely. I hate myself and who I am. I am so tired of fighting to get well and when I go to bed I pray to not wake up. I can’t keep going on like this. I need to get better

[smallwolf]

Hey. Still here. 

What tools do you have to help you in these times?

[Petal22]

Hi Captain T,

Sorry you are feeling this way I know it’s hard.

You could try to just sit with the feelings and not question them or judge them just allow them to be there.

Even with our feelings the more we try to push them away or figure them out the stronger they can become.

Simply just sit and observe.

Everything will be ok….. try not to put to much pressure on your self and remember to just follow your breath it’s there use it as your anchor.

[Captain T]

Hi guys.  

I worked through my safety plan last night and made it through. I did breathing exercises and some yoga. Listened to music and did some puzzles. It was enough to distract me until it was time for my meds. I then had a hot shower and went to bed. 

I have woken up today in a much better place. I’m not focusing on it just enjoying it. Trying not to preempt what may happen later on this afternoon/night. 

I have an appointment this afternoon so hopefully they can help set me in the right track again. 

Thank you all for all your support. Just reading your encouragement helps me get through. I really do appreciate all the advice and encouragement. 

Thank you guys so much. 

[therising]

Hi Captain T

I believe few work harder than those who are forced to manage how they tick. Definitely a lot of hard work at times. I find it interesting how those who work hard to manage their mental health come to know far more about themself than a person who simply cruises through life. A person who senses life so easily and their connection to it in so many ways, such as someone who feels depression so intensely, has no choice but to work out how and what they're sensing.

To gain a greater sense of our triggers, the ones that trigger us into a down as well as the ones that trigger us to an up, is vital. To get a greater sense of how we're connecting to the people around us is also vital. Who drains us, who raises us to feel what inspiration really feels like, who leaves us in 'neutral' (feeling no difference either way) and who brings us down (sometimes in ways we can't quite put our finger on)? How we feel the weather (winter vs spring), how the time of day impacts us, how we feel our thoughts or the words of others (inspiring or degrading) and so much more, it's all stuff we gotta feel our way through and make sense of. And then there's the 'disconnection' factor at times. 'Why do I feel so disconnected? What led to feeling/sensing emptiness or numbness?' can be something that also begs for our attention on occasion. That one's a toughy: Feeling yourself in a state of not being able to feel and having to get a feel for why you're there. Hope that makes sense.

It's all such hard work at times yet rewarding when the occasional mind altering revelation hits.

You managed last night like a true champion, feeling your way through it like a star. A star rarely sees their own brilliance until a mirror is held up to them. Even to witness a moment of brilliance is proof of who you are.

[Captain T]

Hi guys 

Yesterday was an ok day. Had a couple of appointments but they went well. 

Have woken up today with a much better mindset. Today I feel like I’ve got this. Mornings are usually good though. 

Getting my hair done today for the first time in months so hopefully that will help keep me boosted as well.

My safety plan has come in handy for the last few days. I was feeling low last night so I went through a few steps and then rang a friend and between her and her husband they had me laughing. That is a hard task to get me to do at night! So I went to bed in a good place.

My tool box is growing but I still haven’t learnt the triggers. I know nightfall is when it’s the worst but I guess I can’t change that! Lol. I also think the weather maybe a trigger when it’s a beautiful day I do feel like I’m in a better place. 

Having reread my thread I really have come a very long way. I have developed a great strength but I don’t always see it in the moments that I need it. 

Next week I go off all meds and my case manager said that I have to be monitored so that I don’t go into a crisis. That is a bit concerning but I have to not preempt it and try to stay positive. 

Anyhow hope everyone enjoys their day! 

Thanks so much for all your support and guidance 

[Captain T]

So I’ve now had a few days running of good days and it’s so much better than being in a crisis. I take in the good days and use them to learn more tools and gain a better understanding of what I’m going through. 

[Captain T]

My good days are running out. I feel really flat and like I’m headed down again. I wish this cycle would stop. I keep telling myself that I am strong but at the same time I don’t listen. 

[Petal22]

Hi Captain T,

Nice to hear from you.

How did your hair doo go?

Im sorry feel like this at the moment.

Please try to remember it’s temporary and your good days will be back but this time sooner.

Remember you will go up and down in recovery but the good days will eventually out weigh the bad ones.

[Captain T]

Getting my hair done was a huge lift Petal22

I feel like I have a lot going on right now but I’ve come so far already so I’m positive I can get through it. 

[Petal22]

That’s great Captain T 😊

Im so glad that getting your hair done was a huge lift for you.

Sometimes it’s nice to plan those little things so we have something to look forward to.

You are growing more and more every day Captain T.

I understand that you may have alot going on inside yourself but this is what is building you into your higher self.

So nice to hear your positivity.

Keep up the great work.