Im not coping

[Captain T]

Hi all. I just need to get this out somewhere. I am in a very dark place. I feel as though someone is sitting on my chest and have so much emotional pain yet feel numb at the same time. Im alone and lonely. I hate myself and who I am. I am so tired of fighting to get well and when I go to bed I pray to not wake up. I can’t keep going on like this. I need to get better

[Sophie_M]

Hi Captain T


Welcome to the forums and thank you for being a member of this open, kind and helpful community.
 
We know that it can be incredibly difficult to share our story, so we want to say thank you for showing such courage in posting and sharing that experience - you never know who will read this post and feel less alone on their own journey as also for you too.
 
Please note, it’s worth remembering that immediate support is not available via the forums. Some days are slower than others, and some topics hit home with people more than others. The number of replies received will always vary from day to day.
 
If you need more immediate contact, please use our support service either via phone 1300 22 4636 or web chat: http://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/get-immediate-support
 
Thank you again for joining us here and for starting this conversation. Please feel free to come back and update us on how you are feeling, if you are comfortable.


Regards


Sophie M

[Captain T]

Thank you

[geoff]

Hello Captain T, hi and thanks for coming to the forums.

Fighting to get well can not be achieved like turning a light switch on/off, we only wish that was how it could be done, but there are many problems that lead onto other concerns, some we realise and others we don't know about, may be because we try and push them aside, however with emotional pain, there could be so many different reasons why this happens, with perhaps one major concern that's precipitated all of this.

We are here for you if you want to come back and help us understand your problem.

Best wishes.

Geoff.

[Captain T]

Hi Geoff

I don’t know what my problem is. I’m healthy have a home and a good job.
I feel as though I don’t deserve these as i am not good enough.

I feel worthless and useless and that the world would be better off with out me. There is no sense to that though.

I continually hide how I feel from everyone. My family wouldn’t understand and would judge me for there being no reason. Im scared to tell anyone how bad I actually feel in case I push them away or they judge me too.

I have never been to a psychologist but am waiting for an appointment time. I am scared, embarrassed and ashamed that I’ve gotten to the point that a desperately need help.

I don’t know what to expect when I go if I can get in. Im worried that if I don’t tell them everything that I’ll never get through this but at the same time im worried that if I do tell them who dark my life has become that they’ll judge me.

Sometimes I think if it would all just end it would be so much easier and I wouldn’t have to fight it or face it anymore.

Thanks for listening. I feel like im a lost cause.

captain t

[Sophie_M]

Hi Captain T,

Thank you for sharing a bit more about what's been going on. It's good to hear you're waiting for an appointment. It's a powerful thing to do when you're feeling scared and ashamed, and it's really brave of you to have shared openly here too.

If at any point you feel unable to avoid acting on thoughts of self harm or suicide, please know that more immediate support is always here for you. We're reaching out to you privately, or you can call our Support Service directly on the number at the top of the page. If you at any point feel unable to avoid acting on these feelings of ending it, it's really important to keep yourself safe by making a call to 000 or presenting to ED, as this is an emergency.

One thing we might suggest is a Suicide Safety Planning app, Beyond Now. Have you heard of Safety Planning? It puts all your coping tools in a series of steps, so that they’re there for you to refer to when you don’t know what to do. You can find out more and have a look at creating a plan here.

Thanks again for sharing here. We're listening, and hopefully we'll hear a bit more from the community at some point today. 

Kind regards, 

Sophie M

[Captain T]

Yesterday I ended up in a really dark place and did something stupid.

I reached out for help for the first time and actually talked to someone about everything. It was a relief to know that it was ok to ask for help and that the is no shame in it. It actually shows some strength. I went to be feeling a little safer.

I have woken up today with a little bit of hope for my day. I will try to keep that little bit of hope with me through the day

I am strong and hopeful that today may be a better day. The darkness is still there and not far away but all I can do is hope that I do have some fight left.

[Doolhof]

Hi Captain T,

There are days when I have really struggled with my depression. The mind can take me on a trip to hell and back, that can leave me feeling shattered and distressed. I have used phone support services and find them to be helpful when I can't understand the darkness.

I have been to a psychologist. I sometimes find it helpful to write down what is going on in my head and to pass the paper to the psych if I don't think I can find the words verbally. The psychologists will have experienced people communicating in different ways.

One time I Googled depression and just wrote down all the symptoms I was experiencing.

It is great you were able to talk to someone, having someone listen and maybe offer some solutions can help ease the strength of the depression. Congratulations for having the courage to seek help.

Is there one thing you like doing that you may be able to incorporate each day or at least weekly to make life feel more worthwhile? I like walking and try to do it daily. I like to take photos on my phone and try to find something different each time.

Accept when you have are not coping and think what you can do next to get through that moment.

[Captain T]

Hi Doolhof

Thanks for sharing with me.

It is a hell of a roller coaster especially when you can’t understand why the darkness is there. I hate that on the outside looking in that there should be nothing wrong however on the inside it can be very debilitating.

I will write down my thoughts and give that to her as it maybe easier for me to be able to share with her.

I have a little dog so I take her for a walk daily so it makes me actually get out. I don’t have any hobbies or anything that I enjoy. My life just revolves around my dog. It’s something that I know I need to fix but in this headspace it is quite hard to find any enjoyment in anything.

I did have quite a reasonable day but I’m starting to come down now and just trying to stay focused on the good in the day. It’s now dark and cold out and maybe that’s a trigger. While I was in the sun it was good but as it got overcast so did I. That’s the first time that while going through the absolute hell I have even noticed a good thing or trigger so maybe it’s a start.

Thanks for listening

Captain T

[Captain T]

Everything just keeps getting darker.

Why can’t I just be normal? Why can’t I enjoy just one full day of lightness.

Does it ever get easier. Will I ever get better.

I am safe just need to vent and get it out