Im not coping

[Captain T]

Hi all. I just need to get this out somewhere. I am in a very dark place. I feel as though someone is sitting on my chest and have so much emotional pain yet feel numb at the same time. Im alone and lonely. I hate myself and who I am. I am so tired of fighting to get well and when I go to bed I pray to not wake up. I can’t keep going on like this. I need to get better

[Petal22]

That's ok Captain T I understand and I'm here to support you along with our community.

I understand where you are at and I understand it's a hard place to be in, but hold onto the hope that you will recover from this you really will just keep pushing forward.

I understand the feelings that accompany these thoughts, our internal system can take a battering and it can be very exhausting.

Please try to redirect your attention to something more positive in the present moment.

The light in your thoughts will get longer just keep persevering, I always prayed for a re newed mind when I was in the grips of my condition I eventually received this.

The dark thoughts are very confronting I understand I felt the same way but please try to understand in some way that you are "not" your thoughts but the "watcher" of your thoughts. I understand that this is a hard concept to understand but with the practice of meditation you really can learn this.

Meditation was one of the things that got me over the line with my condition, I learned to observe my thoughts and not get caught up in them.. I no longer identified with them.

That's great you have downloaded some meditation apps, with meditation you don't need to switch off your mind the point of meditation is to allow your thoughts to be there, no matter what they are and not to get caught up in them. You become the 'observer' but it takes practice.

I like to do a guided meditation for learning to watch my thoughts.

Practice slowing down your breathing

Practice attention training ..... when you are washing the dishes how does the water feel? What can you hear? What can you smell, how do the dishes feel.....

If you feel as though things are getting worse for you, you can go back to your gp and discuss the way you are currently feeling, I was in regular contact with my gp when I was in the grips of my condition.

You can always call Beyond Blue and talk to our friendly councilors 1300 22 4636.

And we are here as a community on this forum to support you.

Stay positive and have a knowing that you will recover from this in time.

[Captain T]

Thanks

I will take it on board.

Just in a really dark place at the moment.

[Dan2]

Hi Captain T,

If you had to pick a film, what genre would you choose?

Action/Adventure
Crime
Comedy
Horror/Thriller
Fantasy
etc...

[Sophie_M]

Dear Captain T,
 
We can see that you have been receiving fantastic support and advice from our community members and that you have had a recent positive experience talking to a counsellor at Beyond Blue. It is great that you have been seeking those positive moments but understand the frustration at constantly feeling you are stuck taking “one step forward, two steps back”.
 
As has been discussed recovery is a journey and these journeys are not always as straight forward or linear as we may hope. Setbacks, disruptions, and periods of stagnation are experienced by many and are not a reflection on your recovery or you as a person. You have done the best thing you can in expressing your negative thoughts and engaging with others for support. Please continue to focus on the positives you have recently experienced and build on these.
 
We hope you remember we’re here for you 24/7, so if you feel you need to talk through how you are feeling or honestly do just need a chat, please contact Beyond Blue either via phone 1300 22 4636 or web chat: http://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/get-immediate-support
 
If at any point those negative thoughts become overwhelming and you believe you may be at risk, or you no longer feel safe we urge you to contact emergency services on 000.
 
Please remember you’re not alone though this journey, the community is here to support you through this dark place and Beyond Blue counsellors are just a phone call away, should you need them.
 
Warm regards
Sophie M

[geoff]

Hello Captain T, mediation doesn't seem to work for me, but I'm pleased it does for other people, and the reason being, is I keep asking myself 'why'.

Writing down your issues in point form, concentrates you solely on that remark, which may make you elaborate on another trigger point you hadn't thought of, so another point is created.

The same may apply when your psychologist puts these words in their own way, prompting a discussion on something that may be a secret you could be hiding.

MI lets us question certain points which seem to be obvious, but under this, there could be many different issues that you might not have realised that are adding onto how you are feeling.

Take care.

Geoff.

[Captain T]

Thanks everyone

I am listening and I am taking what you say on board. I do keep coming back and reading everything. I really am trying. I can see some light at times and I’m really trying to focus on those moments. The good and triggers lists are a great help. It’s hard to see them all but a few is a start.

I am petrified of what my mind has become and the thoughts that it’s making me have and the things it’s making me do. I am terrified. The fear brings me to tears more than the darkness does.

The fear of going back to work tomorrow made me do something stupid last night but I now understand what’s done is done and move past it.

I have to do food prep today to get through work for the next 5 days so at least that will be a huge distraction.

Thank you all for listening and being there. Know that I do appreciate and value your suggestions and feed back.

Thanks all

Captain

[Captain T]

Anxious is an understatement of what I’m feeling right now about going back in the morning.

I’ve kept myself distracted all day by getting everything ready. I’ve got everything covered except for the actual shift.

Hopefully I can do it.

[Petal22]

Hi Captain T,

You are showing great resilience, you are stronger than you think.

Believe in yourself.

Have you thought about having a chat to your boss in regards to what you are currently going through?

I'm sure they will try to understand and support you.

We are all here as a community to support you, please reach out to us any time.

[geoff]

Hello Captain T, as Petal says we are here for you.

Take your time this morning, there is no rush to prove anything, the only thing you need to do is to feel comfortable, nothing more, nor nothing less, it's about you adjusting to how much you can cope with and remember it's an enormous effort you are undertaking.

Best wishes.

Geoff.

[Captain T]

Thanks guys

I had my routine and do everything as I normally would and felt ok.

I was nervous when I got in the car to go. Started out ok. I managed to distract myself for a while. Then as the day went in it was harder and harder. I had to call my boss and say I was going home He sent me home and was surprised I made it so long.

I despise myself for not making it. I’m a failure. I’m trying so hard but it’s never good enough. I was too useless to make a whole day. I’ve still got 2 more and then 2 nights to go.

I can’t keep fighting and not getting anywhere. I just feel like giving up.

All I do on here is complain and I’m sorry. I can hear myself being negative and a defeatist but I can’t help it. Maybe I should just stop.