I need real help, advise and a shoulder

[Choib]

Hi. Ive

hit rock bottom, I mean really rock bottom with Depression and anxiety and no life because of it. Im a male, turning 40 in a few months which I suspect its the big wake up call about all the problems I have to face and its overwhelming. Im really going through a serious breakdown and Im so so alone and unable to see what to do next, a life or future. A bit of backstory to show the major points of how I got here and struggling every hour to hold it together.

Undiagnosed with GAD, male, Australian growing up was hell,

anxiety attacks at school everyday, bullied ofc, extreme difficulty's making friends and a broken home all came crashing in my first real mental breakdown at 17. My father threw me out and I got on a plane in a broken haze to move in with my grandmother from perth to melbourne in 93. My life was destroyed from that point on and I fell into hiding, self blame ever since and cut myself off from family since. Instead of living a full life in my 20s and 30 Ive been here, under her protection as she is a widower and needed someone so.. this life has been just that, hiding, doing as little as I can to get by from fear. I watched friends I made in school grow up, meet girls, get married, have kids and get jobs and careers and I looked on in awe. But when they did have the family unit I started pushing away, cause I didnt want them to see the real me. 

Ive no career training or real abilities I can use to get work, all my tafe and further education I put myself in are now all redundant. The only Time I did work professionally was as a webmaster in advertising for 2 years but that was horrific, the stress broke me again and they had to fire me. I didnt recover from that. that was about 5 years ago, and trying to stay on centerlink has been hell cause they dont understand or recognize they real help I need. 

My grandmothers 88 and shes so worried and there might not be much time left, my mom is on dialysis 3 times a week and doesnt have long either and

I couldn't cope alone, even getting income, facing death again after losing a friend and girlfriend overseas last year Im just.. broken. Failed to begin a life. hitting 40, realizing ive been hording and hiding so so long and a dozen other serious problems hitting me all at once.

So I saw my GP yesterday and got onto antidepressants again, I have a referral to a physiologist but.. I dont think thats going to be near enough.

I need.. advise.. help.. no family or real friends left to rely on.

[HelenM]

Hi Choib

I've always been relieved that I have family around me. I can imagine that fighting this alone must be horrendous. And what you say makes sense in that you have a whole life to create as well as an illness to get over.

I wish I could think of  answers to that. I think over time you will need counselling to help you make some sort of satisfactory life. And  certainly counselling can cover anything that requires it. 

You don't need to worry that your posts are too dark or too anything. I think if you can get it out it helps a little.

I wish I could advise the best way forward. All I can say is that you're doing all the right stuff and that's all anyone ever can do.

Take care, Helen

[Choib]

Its been a tough couple of days, and Ill admit ive been hard on myself. Its frustrating having so many thoughts I put off for so long, so many emotions I walled up in the too hard basket to sift through and try and sort even see some kind of new mindset, future or plan but its just the impossible still.

I guess I am happy that I have started in a way, that its so slow going and some days I just cant get to a simple task or two I set to do. But its okay, its cold and rain in melbourne doing anything is hard enough for most people.

Im constantly well aware of the need of a psychologist and with a GP referral with a mental health plan and the australian gov/centerlink I do get 6 free sessions with the possibility of 6 more. So Im just going to try to time it right as I know the ADs need a few more weeks to kick into stability as do I emotionally to get up and take that on face to face. So building my energy now, willpower and sleep is a massive issue.

Gabby: Hi, yeah seems we are sorta in the same boat. Glad you got that doctors certificate, definitely take that into centerlink though I know its a chore and the lines are always long they can give you 3 months off from the pressure of looking for work while you seek to stabilize and even another 3 after that if youre still not well. Also to ask your Doc about a mental health care plan for 6 free sessions to help get back on the road to normalcy.

Relationships and having things to look forward to, its too big to think of when the now is suffering. Ive let that go for now and the immediate future as I know from past efforts and attempts to build that I had no emotional base or self love or stable life as a foundation to add to it. Of course it crumbled each time, it was bound to really. We can only let that stuff go especially at the 40 mark and focus on ourselves, our lifestyle, health, wellbeing. If we can get that right , stable and strong the future will present itself as will people I think. Theres a little faith and hope there still be it an ember. 

again thankyou for your words, advice and comfort everyone. Its given me strength and validation to the right mindset I need to get into.

[Brokenandbruised]

Hi Choib,

is that your real name? Yes my doctor has given me a mental health plan. I'm seeing a psychologist who is helpful. Also i've been referred to a psychiatrist to look at my medications to see if they are correct. I haven't been to her yet.

I know what you mean about relationships. I ended a relationship almost a year ago, and was happy with my decision. But since I've had this breakdown, or major depressive episode I'm ashamed to say I begged him to come back to me. It was a big mistake because he verbally abused me and said he wanted me dead. All because I ended it… well I'm over that now. I just deeply regret contacting him and making a fool of myself. I was very lonely and needed affection.. 

I've almost given up on finding love, I've had a few long-term relationships but I've always left worse for wear. It would be nice to have someone who is caring and loving, I just keep thinking maybe I'm meant to be alone.

Anyway, I'm sorry about your mother and grandmother. That must be so hard, knowing how sick they both are.

I hope we can chat further.. It would be good to share experiences.. I have to go to my employment provider tomorrow for 3 hours to apply for jobs. and it's very stressful, so yes I'm definitely going to centrelink next week.. I don't need the added pressure.

Do you have any kids? I have a 20 year old daughter. She's currently overseas for the first time.

Hope you're ok, and anytime you want to chat, I'd be happy to.

Gabby

[Brokenandbruised]

Hi Choib,

I think I replied to you a bit earlier today but my post hasn't appeared, so I'm writing this again. Yes I'm going to centrelink next week to show the certificate. Hopefully they will be lenient with me and take the pressure off me a bit. Do you mind if I ask which part of Melbourne you live in? I'm in bayside, in the southern suburbs. I'm not asking you which suburb you live in, that's personal. Just curious to know if you're in north, south east or west. You don't have to say if you don't want to.

Hope to chat again very soon. I can't sleep, but I'll try.

Gabby

[Choib]

Hey Gabby

No I dont have any kids, due to a long term depression, anxiety ruling my life for so long undiagnosed and very low self esteem because of it and other factors involving a hard youth I avoided relationships. I came to terms with that long ago though as depression and anxiety run hard in my family and I didnt want to ever pass that on genetically. But when I did find someone finally in 09 she turned out to be a soul mate and I put everything into that. But she passed away in '12 tragically and the result was devastating. I cant speak more of that though, its too hard to.

So Im in mourning still I guess and a lot of revelations recently came from it, how depression has had a stranglehold on all aspects of growing up and how I couldnt find a life worth living and fighting for , that being single especially after trauma of a broken relationship or loss can be a good thing. To take the pressure of oneself and clearly embrace that getting better, making change we have to do it for ourselves.

But you know seeing it, understanding it a bit at least and letting that future grab go for the moment until we rebuild step by step brick by brick ourselves, focusing on today, or we wont get really better or have a more realistic future opportunities present themselves in natural time. I can only say for people like us, we can only simplify everything, let the past rest somehow, not worry about the future while the present needs our attention for ourselves and no one else, until one is ready to take another step. that takes time, more than we wish but it does.

Choib isnt my name just a handle but as for other information Im really not comfortable saying online and I enjoy the animosity of this place in order to say what I need to. I hope you understand.

But hey if we can manage centerlink, ADs, psychologists and work on a day to day ideal of self improvement though it feels painfully slow , things in the months if not years ahead will improve, we can get stronger and stable in our mind, body and spirit to face bigger things.and maybe its hope in that thats kept me going. 

I can only recommend talking with centerlink soon and ask about DES services its a job provider network that helps people with problems and disabilities with a lot less pressure and more intimate understanding of living with conditions that hurt not only work but the heavy pressures that harm us more in the standard stream they put people through.

[HelenM]

HI Choib

How have things been for you today. I hope your ADs start to kick in soon. It must be really difficult to work through all these emotions that you've kept 'boxed up' for so long. As I've said I really admire you fighting on.

Take care,

Helen

[Choib]

Hey Helen

Thankyou for your concern, it is very difficult and a gloomy process. Just trying to sleep regularly is a massive battle atm, its been thrown into chaos as Im stuck between no energy in the day and no tiredness at night. I suspect the ADs are slowly starting to affect things Im feeling flatter more often and less a bundle of tears and anxiety over future thoughts. Also diet change is taking its toll and Im finding it very hard to eat still, I still make myself eat some fruit or a small meal of whatever I have about thats low cal. I know I need to continue the weight loss for health and to get lighter and more mobile, Im hoping to shed another 15 kgs in all to hit my ideal weight. I already have lost so much I didnt realize how I never cared how big I was. But if Im ever going to find confidence again in myself (positivity) I need to work on the body after years of neglect and youthful invulnerability thoughts, the High Carb, High protein no fresh food days are over.

The emotions are just so heavy and overflowing, too much to handle still but instead of hiding and locking them away from conscious thought like I did for decades (and I was good at it) Im letting a little in at a time and stopping myself after it lingers too long or Im bound to fall apart. The 'I give up, future is too dark, I wanna end it' thoughts are always there but I know those thoughts and where they come from, why they are there. 

Its still very early days and I think things are improving its hard to see, I haven't gotten much done this week at all and theres some guilt building there over finding some momentum in the step by step approach. But necessity means movement and I have to do some necessary things tomorrow Im hoping I can use that to start again on attempts at a daily routine to get this engine going.

thanks again Helen I hope you are well today too and soldiering on.

[Brokenandbruised]

Hi Choib, 

Just wanted to see how you're going. Hope you're ok. I'm going to Centrelink next week with my medical certificate to see what they can do. I'll feel better with less stress and pressure. I'm still awake at 5.15am! I have developed very bed insomnia, and it's so hard to control. I do want to get a job, but with this sleep problem it would be impossible right now.  The last few days have been hard. I've felt suicidal. And losing my best friend didn't help either. By losing I mean we had a falling out, and I don't think we will be friends again. Our relationship was becoming romantic, which makes this the more painful.. But I guess I'm destined to be alone. I seem to ruin any chance of happiness. There's definitely something wrong with me. Well I better go, sorry for my venting, but I think I had to let it out. 

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[HelenM]

Hey Choib

I've replied twice so far and lost the post owing to using my husband's i pad. So third time lucky on the netbook which is what I usually use. I haven't been on the site since I last posted hence being so long - sorry about that.

Not sleeping is horrible isn't it? I had really bad problems with sleep at the beginning and thought it would never come right again.

 Whilst it's obvious it's something I found hard to accept - that it's a long hard road to recovery. I've never had patience with my depression but then why would any of us be patient with something so awful.

Although all of us have different experiences we've all known the worst of depression and I really feel for you being in that place. Please don't beat yourself up about not doing things. You're doing your best all the time even when you don't know you are. But of course depression thrives on guilt and every other negative emotion as you'll know yourself.

Letting your emotions in a little at a time is very wise. I think I said before that you seem to have a lot of insight into your illness. In the long run that will be one of your biggest allies. Perhaps like me you feel you're doing the right stuff so why do you feel so crap. For 12 years I've been recovering from depression and although I'm loads better whenever I struggle I feel angry that it can still get me. I'm not sure what point I'm making but it's something like - this feels hellish and will carry on like that just now even though you're doing all the right things cos it has a path that it will take but everything you do will smooth that path a little and sometimes you'll find a little bench to sit on along the way - if that makes any sense.

My days get better as the day goes on. It's Sunday evening here and it's sunny which is not too common in Scotland - our weather adds to depression quite a lot. 

I will be in touch again soon.

Take care, Helen

[HelenM]

Hi Choib

How are you? Each time I come on the site I go onto your thread to see how things are going and I'm sorry I'm not on more but ever since I first became ill everything I do in life takes longer and I need a greater rest between them.

But please let me know how things are as it's a while since you've posted. Not that you should feel you have to post but I feel a bit worried about you. I don't want to hassle you but if I can encourage you in any way please say.

I think LING is not too good just now so I daresay he or she (I'm sure I should know which) isn't able to post.

Anyway,take care and if you don't mind I'm sending you a cyber hug.

(((((Helen)))))