I need real help, advise and a shoulder

[Choib]

Hi. Ive

hit rock bottom, I mean really rock bottom with Depression and anxiety and no life because of it. Im a male, turning 40 in a few months which I suspect its the big wake up call about all the problems I have to face and its overwhelming. Im really going through a serious breakdown and Im so so alone and unable to see what to do next, a life or future. A bit of backstory to show the major points of how I got here and struggling every hour to hold it together.

Undiagnosed with GAD, male, Australian growing up was hell,

anxiety attacks at school everyday, bullied ofc, extreme difficulty's making friends and a broken home all came crashing in my first real mental breakdown at 17. My father threw me out and I got on a plane in a broken haze to move in with my grandmother from perth to melbourne in 93. My life was destroyed from that point on and I fell into hiding, self blame ever since and cut myself off from family since. Instead of living a full life in my 20s and 30 Ive been here, under her protection as she is a widower and needed someone so.. this life has been just that, hiding, doing as little as I can to get by from fear. I watched friends I made in school grow up, meet girls, get married, have kids and get jobs and careers and I looked on in awe. But when they did have the family unit I started pushing away, cause I didnt want them to see the real me. 

Ive no career training or real abilities I can use to get work, all my tafe and further education I put myself in are now all redundant. The only Time I did work professionally was as a webmaster in advertising for 2 years but that was horrific, the stress broke me again and they had to fire me. I didnt recover from that. that was about 5 years ago, and trying to stay on centerlink has been hell cause they dont understand or recognize they real help I need. 

My grandmothers 88 and shes so worried and there might not be much time left, my mom is on dialysis 3 times a week and doesnt have long either and

I couldn't cope alone, even getting income, facing death again after losing a friend and girlfriend overseas last year Im just.. broken. Failed to begin a life. hitting 40, realizing ive been hording and hiding so so long and a dozen other serious problems hitting me all at once.

So I saw my GP yesterday and got onto antidepressants again, I have a referral to a physiologist but.. I dont think thats going to be near enough.

I need.. advise.. help.. no family or real friends left to rely on.

[Choib]

Wow LING thats great. Its a genuine good feeling when you do something to connect to some problems of the situation in our immediate lifestyles we've put off. Sometimes its just so hard to pick up the phone to just make the call isnt it, but when you do its a reward to itself. Its why I believe in being "active positive" over trying to "think positive", the think part comes naturally after acting. It really makes a difference the frame of mind and the connectivity you gain in the day over the perils of past and future worries. Very happy for you and to take joy in the moment and think to the next positive act later on in the week for the good vibes.

I didnt do anything today but thats okay just needed a mental break from worry and its freezing in melbourne I opened up the house to fresh air first time in a long time and just curled up with some movies to relax a bit, ponder a little and work on staying calm from the pressures Im crushed under. 

Im feeling better with the ADs might be starting to take effect and stability is seeping in, so soon as I feel more confident and have some energy to move about, do some much needed housework and washing Ill be making the call to the psychologist. I did see one as part of my early efforts in the early 2000s to overcome my anxiety, depression and difficulty finding work so I know what to expect, its more important to me atm to get a few weeks of stability under my own feet to face bigger problem solving that will come from that. 

Im running on pure faith everything will be okay for a while, that my mum hangs in there and my gran is healthy and not worrying, theres so much to do and working out safety nets I can put in place if disaster strikes but I cant do that without a base, so these small steps, I hope, will lead to that. 

So my epiphany from the breakdown is, Depression/anxiety cant be fixed, treated or helped unless you do the same amount of efforts for you life right down to the smallest details of daily life. They are intertwined and theres no real hope of only fixing one, working on one and get results. Ive tried one and it seemed okay but fell apart, Ive tried the other and same results and the years flew by and I got nowhere except deeper in the hole without seeing it happen.   

I see many try to do too big a thing or advise to do too big a thing like 'join a club' 'make new friends' 'look for work' etc and thats great theory, lousy in practice if youre not really ready. Smaller steps to build 1st

[HelenM]

Hi Choib

Sorry I didn't reply sooner - I wasn't on the site yesterday and I live in a very different time zone to you. I'm in Scotland and so I think you're quite a lot of hours ahead. 

What you say about being on your own in all of this makes sense. I would find it very difficult if I didn't have support. To be on your own makes it much harder and I hope that coming on here helps, though obviously it's nothing like real people in your life.

Being positive in your actions rather than thoughts makes 100% sense to me. The first time I was ill I gave in totally. I honestly didn't know what else to do. When I became ill the second time I knew that if I didn't carry on I would probably go as low as the first time. So somehow I carried on going to my work even though every thought I had was horrible and that stopped me going down further. When people tell me to think positively I have to remind myself that they don't know how illogical they are being.

It's hard to be proud of yourself when you're depressed but you have every reason to be. And it's clear from your posts that you've got a lot sussed out - that will help. 

Take care, Helen

[Choib]

Hey Helen

It does very much help to be here and know someone is reading and replying where I dont have in person. Ive contacted 3 friends from the past and they seem to want to help or at least understand but its been years and they have their lives nor a real understanding of what to do, Ive really just asked them to reconnect, to try my best to explain to them why I 'went to ground' and they seem ok with it but its delicate to rekindle things especially after a major depressive event and breakdown. I cant afford to put any strain on them of worry or concern so Ive really just asked that now and then if I can talk or to know Im alive or to get advice while I try to get well and be a friend to them too again. I have hopes a little will work out at least with time and effort.

Made myself get up and do some food shopping yesterday even though I felt really dark, tired from another night of only a few minutes sleep, and it was good. Changing my diet as an opportunity as I havent been eating much of anything and since I have very high blood pressure I looked up the right foods to get. Bananas, oranges, beans, cereals etc, not much but going to ensure I try to reduce it before the doctor starts making me take meds for it which I dont want, its a reminder of my failure to look after myself when I should be capable to do so. I guess I needed a real crisis to change.

Its a battle every moment ofc, trying to stay in the day rather than getting lost in the sorrow of the past and fears of the future , Im actively trying to quash that mindtrap even address past vivid moments of failure and loss and mistakes and forgive myself for them, to know what a stranglehold this depression/anxiety and misunderstanding of myself and my actions due to its influence did. And other things not in my control that others did to me I took the guilt and blame for. Letting all that go, for real, is hard as its been a passenger on this train for decades.

But awareness is helping, very small steps and stumbles about the past, the now (oneself) and now (around you) might build a strong enough base given time to face some very hard future things like work, finance, health, security , family, friends and general living with a purpose and direction to something that will keep one going. Its my hope anyway, that things may click into place and if they dont the fall wont drop me and shatter. I know I wont survive it again so its out of necessity I try to rebuild, something... I dont know yet 

[White_Rose]

Dear Choib

What progress! In a couple of weeks you have:-

1. Contacted old friends.
2. Recognized you need to go slowly with them.
3. Addressed your diet which will help your overall health as well as your blood pressure.
4. Staying in the present instead of revisiting and escaping to the past.
5. Forgiven yourself
6. Let go of guilt.
7. And the best of all accepted that the way back will take time and needs small steps but you can do it.

That is amazing. I am so pleased for you. Have you seen a psychologist yet or got an appointment? Once you start that aspect of your therapy you will be flying.

Try not to think too far ahead. I know I've said this before but it is important. Trying to get to the finish line too quickly may cause you to miss a few steps on the way.You need everything to be solidly in place as you move along.

Glad you were able to contact old friends. Writing here is good but face to face is very nice. And you are right about taking the blame for the actions of others. Because we believe we are worthless we seem to think that the blame automatically belongs to us. But we are learning.

I have to admit I have lost track of what I was saying. My sister-in-law skyped me and we have been chatting for a while. It seems my brain can still only cope with one thing at a time. However, it was nice having a chat.

Regards

LING

[HelenM]

Hi Choib

You are brilliant at working out the way forward. I know that doesn't make the journey easy but it means what you do is more focussed. I've been told often that I have excellent insight into my illness. I've said back, does it do me any good. Yes it does, insight, in your case, mine, anyone's, helps us in handling the symptoms and working out the best way forward. 

I think like me you know that you have no option but to fight. I often think I don't do  things cos I'm strong. I do things because I'm so afraid of the alternative.

I'm giving you an on line pat on the back. Take care, Helen

[Choib]

Thankyou both for your uplifting words

Its true its out of necessity Im trying a little bit under such incredible strain to do something, in the past when I tried I felt younger and maybe even a little more optimistic I had time to sort things out and get a life going after so many failed attempts. This time though.. I feel my age horribly. Turning 40 and Im still that frightened teenager packing everything he had into 2 suitcases and getting on a plane to move to my grandmothers after the family imploded and was shown the door.

I never grew up and Im still that frightened kid living in stasis, and the terrible despair of missing out on a love life with kids and work and family has taken such a long term toll I dont know what to look forward to anymore. The self blame was truly complete and I fell inwards an anxiety ruled my actions of avoidance.

Trying to let that go.. well .. its impossible since its all I had. Trying to live with it is so depressing and a major barrier I dont yet see how to climb. So these small steps of course are a start but Im very much directionless and frail, exhausted even,  especially with the health of my grandmother and mother both deteriorating so quickly and an inability to be strong and have a plan for when the worst happens.

So the fight is not just long term depression and anxiety which I can logically see how that can be treated somewhat with ADs and therapy but its the life situation Im in thats really halting any hopes of real progress and a future worth living for. I dont think there is any life councilor service out there for people in my position who have to start again from scratch with a condition and empty pockets. Im just so so tired of getting knocked down and trying to get up again, being so sensitive to the pressures of life everyone else seems to be able to endure and keep going. 

Im sorry if this is rather dark today, I needed to get things out , my worry pot is full and I do take my small success in starting as a good thing, its not near enough though to face the future yet. Im still hanging in here hour by hour day by day, Im scared and tired and I appreciate the words and advise here keeping me afloat. It is a very serious situation Im in and Im doing my best to grow up finally with the very little energy I have.

Just want to say to those that read this to take a moment to appreciate your familly or friends or even work that keeps you going through depression and hardship. Without those its hell.

[White_Rose]

Dear Choib

I can't remember if I have already told you my age. I am 70yo. At 56 I fell into the biggest black hole and all the emotions you describe above were mine. I was convinced that I was too old to change, who cared anyway, why not end it all. But here I am. Still on the road. It hasn't taken me 14 years to get here.  I got well in a few years but I did it largely on my own. I did see a psychiatrist but we did not get on and I would have been better off with someone else. But I survived.

Why I am here at the moment is because I went through an horrendous experience and fell down a hole two years ago. Nothing as bad as before, but because I had survived and regained my health before, I knew I could do it again. And so can you.

I had dreadful dark days, bad days at work, was thoroughly ashamed of my "weakness" believed I was of no value, the world would be better off without me. And I got through it. I won't even suggest it was easy. The most difficult thing I have ever had to do.  In your previous post you were quite upbeat and now you are down in the dumps.  This is normal.  Horrible but normal. Tomorrow will be different and that's the thought to hold on to.

Like you I lived from hour to hour. I would even say to myself I will stay for one more hour then go, then I would say it again after the hour. And I spent days doing this. It was the way I survived. Wait until you have done this or that. I played so many tricks with my mind wanting to go and wanting to stay. Wanting to leave all the pain and hoping it would just go away.

This road is no picnic. But you are on the road and have already made progress. See my previous post. Each step that feels as though you are pulling yourself out of the bog, is getting you closer to wellness. And soon it will be more like walking through sand than mire. Still slipping and sliding but much easier.

Yes, I felt like a child. I still do. I want someone to hold my hand and make everything better. But I have to do it myself and my resources are not huge. I have a fantastic psychologist and hopefully you will soon have a counselor/therapist to help you.

Go get 'em mate! We are all here cheering you on.

LING

[White_Rose]

Dear Choib

This is a quick note to say I responded to your comments several hours ago but the post has not yet appeared.  This seems to happen to me a lot just recently and I am wondering if my PC is at fault or if the post is not considered suitable.

I hope it will get on to the web site soon and that it helps you.

LING

[Brokenandbruised]

Hi Choib,

I'm sorry to hear about what you are going through. I'm experiencing a major depressive episode myself right now. I know what it's like when you feel there's no one to turn to or understand. I have family I live with, but they think I'm being lazy. Every day is a struggle. I'm now 41,female, and I feel like there's nothing to look forward to. Maybe try talking to one of the counsellors here online. Or call the beyondblue line. I hope you come back here and  share more. I've had relationship issues in the past, I've pretty much given up on finding the right person. I hope you comeback here and share more. 

[Brokenandbruised]

I know what it's like with pressures. I'm always being told. Go for a walk, go out, call friends, get a job.. My family don't understand the severity of my condition. It's a struggle to get up each day... I am being forced by Centrelink to look for work.. My doctor though has written a medical certificate that says I'm not fit to right now. I have to take this to Centrelink to see what they say. I Also live in Melbourne. How about that!! I had a job, but it was a contract position and the contract ended in January. Since then, I've had a major breakdown, and I can't seem to get out of this. Do you have any kids? I have a 20 year old daughter. She's just gone overseas for the first time. It must be hard with both your grandmother and mother being so ill. 

I'd really like to talk to you more. Life is very overwhelming and too much at times, but it can help to talk to others who understand what you're going through. 

I look forward to hearing from you 

My real name is Gabby.