I need real help, advise and a shoulder

[Choib]

Hi. Ive

hit rock bottom, I mean really rock bottom with Depression and anxiety and no life because of it. Im a male, turning 40 in a few months which I suspect its the big wake up call about all the problems I have to face and its overwhelming. Im really going through a serious breakdown and Im so so alone and unable to see what to do next, a life or future. A bit of backstory to show the major points of how I got here and struggling every hour to hold it together.

Undiagnosed with GAD, male, Australian growing up was hell,

anxiety attacks at school everyday, bullied ofc, extreme difficulty's making friends and a broken home all came crashing in my first real mental breakdown at 17. My father threw me out and I got on a plane in a broken haze to move in with my grandmother from perth to melbourne in 93. My life was destroyed from that point on and I fell into hiding, self blame ever since and cut myself off from family since. Instead of living a full life in my 20s and 30 Ive been here, under her protection as she is a widower and needed someone so.. this life has been just that, hiding, doing as little as I can to get by from fear. I watched friends I made in school grow up, meet girls, get married, have kids and get jobs and careers and I looked on in awe. But when they did have the family unit I started pushing away, cause I didnt want them to see the real me. 

Ive no career training or real abilities I can use to get work, all my tafe and further education I put myself in are now all redundant. The only Time I did work professionally was as a webmaster in advertising for 2 years but that was horrific, the stress broke me again and they had to fire me. I didnt recover from that. that was about 5 years ago, and trying to stay on centerlink has been hell cause they dont understand or recognize they real help I need. 

My grandmothers 88 and shes so worried and there might not be much time left, my mom is on dialysis 3 times a week and doesnt have long either and

I couldn't cope alone, even getting income, facing death again after losing a friend and girlfriend overseas last year Im just.. broken. Failed to begin a life. hitting 40, realizing ive been hording and hiding so so long and a dozen other serious problems hitting me all at once.

So I saw my GP yesterday and got onto antidepressants again, I have a referral to a physiologist but.. I dont think thats going to be near enough.

I need.. advise.. help.. no family or real friends left to rely on.

[Struggler]

Hi Choib

Welcome to the forum and thank you for trusting us to open up.

I can imagine you are in huge pain now.  You made a good start by going to your doc and now on medication.  It takes time for the meds to take effect.  As to the psychologist appointment, when will you get to see him?  Weekend is coming up and you have to wait until next week at least.  

Meanwhile, please ring the number on top of this page and talk to somebody now.  Many of us here have no friends or family either.  For many, this site is the only support system, apart from the medical team.  This is why we come here to get support from each other.  

Your problems are many and serious and they go back to childhood.  It will take a long time to get well and back on the track.  You have been very strong so far to have survived such horrendous experience and you ought to be congratulated.  Please know that you matter, at least to us.  

Hang in there, the pain will ease tomorrow.  I hope your medication allows you to have some sleep tonight and tomorrow will be better.  You don't believe this now but the pain will be less intense tomorrow.  Please write back and let us know how you get along.

Struggler

[white knight]

Hi Choib

Welcome to BB forums.  Some people have issues in their lives that is just not possible for most to relate. Yours is one of them. Regardless - I'm at least sympathetic and would like to convey to you at least a plan, a set of ideals you might want to consider.

When dealt a cruel hand of cards you have to make the most of what you have. Then you must rise above the odds to carve out a life that you can build on.  Giving up should not be an option.

So where do we begin....well we begin at a beginning, a new beginning. Your TAFE studies and past work experience hasnt served you well. So I suggest you treat that as mere experience and not rely on it. Get work from the easiest method, the easiest job you can find....whatever it is!!.  This will do a number of things- among which is build confidence.  Some times one has to 'feed' ones brain like most other parts of the body. Feed it with satisfaction and confidence.

Your mother and grandmothers lives are terminal. As hard as this will be to grieve for you must move forward at every opportunity.  Remain busy, seek a direction in life and accept that there are a good percentage of people that dont have stable lives. Many have terrible luck and misfortune. We have to rise above it all and build a life or reward both financially and emotionally.

Imagine....40 years from now, you are talking to a child about life and its difficulties. You give him a 30 minute talk about how you braved the waves that struck you each year until you realised you were, in all ways, successful in overcoming all obstacles.

You will be proud. He would learn from you and that is how we humans hand down our knowledge to make it easier for the next generation. It's why we are alive and why we struggle. And its been like that since Adam and Eve.

Life is hard for most. But until we watch a flower bloom from beginning to the end or a sunset from beginning to the end, or maybe given enough love to someone we love so their caring tears fall in admiration....we havent lived and we havent fulfilled the reason we are here.

Value yourself. Praise yourself. Love yourself for every bit of effort you make. For you might not have gained work nor been as successful on paper as many others but you have tried and sometimes no matter how hard you try it doesnt work out.

Baby steps will help. Positive attitude is everything of which to build your future. And you might make your own luck if you persist.  Good luck

[geoff]

dear Choib, welcome to this site and thanks for posting what has happened to you over the years, which unfortunately hasn't been good for you.

When you read posts like yours it really hits us so hard and can take many people back to similar circumstances, fortunately I had a good upbringing but still fell to this illness, so no one is ever safe.

Your self esteem is very low, so this has to worked on, and maybe it can be done by building on something that you have liked over your past, even to the smallest degree, like walking in parks or maybe going to the gym, anything that tickles your fancy, then concentrate on that.

Don't do too many activities at once, because this may complicate the situation.

I'm pleased that you have gone to your doctor but the AD's may take a few weeks to kick in, and if they don't stay in contact with your doctor.

We have to be able to click with our counsellor and it may take a few to find one, but when you do then it feels so much better.

Are you in contact with your mum. Geoff.

[Choib]

Thanks for your words , I just really need to know someone knows finally. I started the ADs 2 days ago, my stress and anxiety are at an extreme level and Im trying to remain calm from a very active anxious fearful mind atm. Im feeling all the accumulated problems ive hid from for 20+ years come crashing and seeing what a precarious place Im in and have been and its really hard to quiet, break down and focus on getting through the next minute, hour, day. Sleep is difficult as I woke with a massive anxiety att and a thousands things in my mind I shouldn't be thinking of.

With my mom that been at deaths door for so many years I did hear form her finally on the phone several days ago telling me just how bad it is for her physically and emotionally and has been but she didnt know Ive been in a breakdown and barely hanging on. Its made things so much harder, the reality. She does have my sister there and a boyfriend and care support/pension so I know she has enough to get by but with me unable to repair damage done to the family long ago or face up to things until I can the guilt has made it all so much worse, especially hiding from it all, barriers put up. she does understand though, she suffered from anxiety problems all her life as well. I haven't been able to be a son to her like I should with so many issues and again, in self exile hiding and hoping to get better or to figure out what to do.

Mourning the loss of my girlfriend of 2 years I havent been able to let go, even though it was long distance its all I had and held onto and was really finally getting well loving and being loved for the first time in my life, her passing was tragic as we were never able to meet RL until finance and family were sorted. Her best friend and mine who I helped get out of a bad home and settled , met her husband had a child and looked on in joy died tragically as well and both were the world to me, the one thing I did right in this life. A double loss on the same day with someone in my position was beyond painful. 

with so much loss, more loss ahead, GAD and depression, having no assets, no close friends or family beside my aging grandmother, turning 40 and getting that awful midlife wake up you can see just how overwhelming it is, to do even the most simplest tasks I haven't been able to do let alone go outside to start. urgh. I just dont know what to do or hope for now, and a man needs hope, needs a base, needs love and friendship and a sense of worth. Baby steps now.

[Choib]

Ill just add that, yes I will make that call to the phone provided here. Im just working the courage up as I know how emotional it will be on me at such a delicate time

With such despair and very long term exile going it so so alone, it has been part of my life so deep its defined me and Ive never known what normal life was, even having half a normal life and half with anxiety/depression would have been something, at least work and experience and even an ability to of had a partner or a family member on hand. So its a great deal to process starting life for the first time at 40 when everyone else does at around 18 even with some massive hardships and baggage.

so my plan this week is small steps

-wait and hope to stabilize with the AD meds

-meet again with the gp for a follow up, he wants me to get a blood test and is concerned how high my blood pressure is. more stress and getting myself to the testing area is a hurdle.

-have to deal with centrelink , I cant afford no income and to get help. Its extremely stressful but I got a mental health care plan form my gp I hope will buy me 3 months. Its the making yourself go and facing that department thats the hurdle.

-contact BB and Healthy Minds Physiologists as they are close to me, I just need to calm down a little and find the moment. It feels too much too quick, I dont want to over leap and fall.

-begin cleaning my place, in my depression and mourning and collapse I let everything go for 2 years, its a horrible mess. My strength and will though are very low and its so cold in melbourne. starting to bag things up and hoping for warm weather to hire a skiff to throw everything out fiinally. 

-try not to give up, on getting treatment in hopes it might get better or on life itself. wanting to end it has been so powerful, but theres a difference in wanting it and actually doing it. No one should endure so much pain though for so so long. 

I find myself alone still, as always, and trying to reconnect with friends from the past has been really hard as its a real shock to them, I did a good job pushing away people to 'protect' them from my illness *sigh* I dont expect much to come from that but I had to try, they have their lives and families I wont blame them at all if they cant be someone to talk with regularly and count on after so much time and not understanding. But I have here now at least, a place I can say things and I hope someone reads and responds, thankyou to those that do, every word helps.

[White_Rose]

Dear Choib

My heart aches for you. Life is not fair, unfortunately, and all we can do is get on with what we have. You have heard all this from earlier posters so I will not go on about it.

There is nothing more debilitating then depression. It makes you so tired and dispirited that any attempt at working is a massive effort. As White Knight has said, Baby Steps.  If you are starting a clear up, limit how much you do at a time. If you focus on the whole task you will get nowhere because the job is so huge. Decide you will clear out a drawer or set of drawers.  Something contained and fairly small. Once it's done you will feel an immense achievement.  You will probably feel tired as well.  So stop, congratulate yourself and admire your work.  Tomorrow you can do something else.  Keep each job small or do half only, but focus on that part only. The trick is to only look at the immediate task.

It may feel that you are getting nowhere at first, but after a while the change will be so exciting you may find the energy to finish more quickly. Be kind to yourself.

About your mom. When she dies you may feel a great deal of guilt because there was no reconciliation. I understand that visiting her is not an option, but can you write to her? Tell her how much you love her and miss her. Tell her you are sorry about the family troubles and how you would like to repair any damage you caused. I find it hard to believe you were the sole cause of all the troubles. It just doesn't happen that way despite what you may have been told. There are always two parties.

If you want you can tell her how difficult life is for you, or you could wait until she replies to your first letter.  It is so important to be at peace with your family while you can.  Remorse is a dreadful emotion and difficult to live with when someone has gone. Take your time over the writing. Get someone to help if necessary.

I will stop with these comments. Continue to post in and keep us up to date.

Regards

LING

[Choib]

Thankyou for your kind words, it does mean a great deal, i feel a little less alone tonight. I will try, but its all so much, just never knew how far past the red line I got myself into over the years. My mom is an issue and any stress to us both right now can be disastrous to both our health. reconnecting after 23 years is massive and I know time isnt going to help, but its on the list, that wall has to come down inside me, the hiding from everything and everyone has got to end, brick by brick. And its terrifying.

Its going to be a hard night, the world seems just so hellish to the gentle type of guy with this level of depression and history of loss, failure and fear. Ive read other posts here and I just teared up and how hard it is for us all, what an insidious mental prison depression and anxiety with hardship is. But some are finding hope or just letting it out and its a start. 

I just wish I knew what to do and in what order to find a life, to find inner peace, to connect with someone again and have it returned to finally be more than a person existing, And to have and find the will and strength to do it or attempt it. Another step tomorrow I hope.

[White_Rose]

Dear Choib

Yes, you are right.  Brick by brick, step by step, minute by minute. That's the trick. As I said about cleaning your place, focus on the immediate, how do I manage the space I'm in right now and let the future wait.

I have felt so much despair when I look ahead too far because I cannot see the end of this misery. So I try to concentrate on the here and now. Every moment is a victory, every day is a triumph.  I am learning all the time. Patience, not my best characteristic.

How does your grandmother fit into all this? I presume you are still living with her. Does talking to her help? Is this your mother's mother? She may be able to give you some pointers about reconciling with your mom.

This is just a brief post. I want to keep in touch with you.

Regards

LING

[HelenM]

Hi Choib

I find it so sad to read all that you have been and are going through. And like all of us with mental health problems you can't see anything good in yourself. As a friend says to me often, I wish I had a magic wand to take it all away. Although we've all had different experiences and varying degrees of suffering, there is, I think, natural empathy. Mental illness is hell.

A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step, and you've started on your journey of recovery. Well done.

Take care, Helen x