I need real help, advise and a shoulder

[Choib]

Hi. Ive

hit rock bottom, I mean really rock bottom with Depression and anxiety and no life because of it. Im a male, turning 40 in a few months which I suspect its the big wake up call about all the problems I have to face and its overwhelming. Im really going through a serious breakdown and Im so so alone and unable to see what to do next, a life or future. A bit of backstory to show the major points of how I got here and struggling every hour to hold it together.

Undiagnosed with GAD, male, Australian growing up was hell,

anxiety attacks at school everyday, bullied ofc, extreme difficulty's making friends and a broken home all came crashing in my first real mental breakdown at 17. My father threw me out and I got on a plane in a broken haze to move in with my grandmother from perth to melbourne in 93. My life was destroyed from that point on and I fell into hiding, self blame ever since and cut myself off from family since. Instead of living a full life in my 20s and 30 Ive been here, under her protection as she is a widower and needed someone so.. this life has been just that, hiding, doing as little as I can to get by from fear. I watched friends I made in school grow up, meet girls, get married, have kids and get jobs and careers and I looked on in awe. But when they did have the family unit I started pushing away, cause I didnt want them to see the real me. 

Ive no career training or real abilities I can use to get work, all my tafe and further education I put myself in are now all redundant. The only Time I did work professionally was as a webmaster in advertising for 2 years but that was horrific, the stress broke me again and they had to fire me. I didnt recover from that. that was about 5 years ago, and trying to stay on centerlink has been hell cause they dont understand or recognize they real help I need. 

My grandmothers 88 and shes so worried and there might not be much time left, my mom is on dialysis 3 times a week and doesnt have long either and

I couldn't cope alone, even getting income, facing death again after losing a friend and girlfriend overseas last year Im just.. broken. Failed to begin a life. hitting 40, realizing ive been hording and hiding so so long and a dozen other serious problems hitting me all at once.

So I saw my GP yesterday and got onto antidepressants again, I have a referral to a physiologist but.. I dont think thats going to be near enough.

I need.. advise.. help.. no family or real friends left to rely on.

[White_Rose]

dear Choib

I am so proud of you that you accomplished so much today.  I imagine you are completely pooped. But you did it and I hope you are not too tired to feel good. Tomorrow is another day.  You may want to stay in bed, perhaps you will be able to get up and dress.  Either way, be kind to yourself and as Corvan has written, keep taking your ADs.

Short post.  I made another step a couple of days ago. I went back to my embroidery and have restarted work on a UFO (Un Finished Object).  I started it about five years ago for my daughter's baby but she miscarried and the baby did not survive. I did not have the heart to carry on.  However, she now has a lovely daughter aged four, and I have the energy and strength to start sewing again.

When you saw those people in the street looking happy and felt a little down, remember that all is not as it seems.  Those folk may well have troubles they are hiding, just as we hide our problems. They were out in the sunshine just like you and both sets of people were benefiting from the sunlight. Keep up the good work.

LING

[HelenM]

Hi Ling, Just a quick word as this is Choib's thread. But it's good to read you've started on your embroidery again. I crochet and have found that really helpful lately. Take care, Helen

[Choib]

That is good LING to finish that project, especially after loss of an infant, perhaps you can make it for her daughter to carry that goodwill on. I was once an illustrator and I took great joy in art from realism to cartoons before photoshop really put an end to the industry and community. I may take it up again, after being burnt out when I worked in advertising creatively and mentally I havent touched pencil to paper since. But I know I need something meditative, creative rather than sit in the dark trying to figure out past and future problems 24/7.

I had a setback last night unfortunately, the phone rang and it was an aunt from the west. She had some good intention but reminded me about how poor my interaction was with family, and it was just such bad timing to hit me with that at this week of all weeks in the months and years. Exasperated I tired to explain yet again the nature of long term depression, anxiety and how it was really never treated after breakdowns and self isolationism and it all bounced off with that aussie family ethos and cursed "she'll be right" attitude. And she made the misfortune of criticizing my relationship as not real to my ex-girlfriend who passed away in 2012. I yelled and got upset, probably the first time in decades and just.. urgh amazing isnt it? 

So no sleep again and just tears, everytime I get up or just try to get well I get knocked down and so it has been for the past 2 decades and I know thats my brain being hard and negative and sensitive to fear, a pattern that feeds the cycles, but just sometimes I could use a break, a few months of things going right , even 1 week would do. I just have that incredible weight of being unable to fix my past, future and present disasters of the self and whats left of the family. Just needed to vent that today.

[White_Rose]

While the phone call was distressing, maybe there was a positive side. You say you got angry and blew up for the first time in years.  There is nothing wrong with being angry.  It is a normal emotion and you let yourself feel it.  It may have been better not to yell, but so what? You were able to express yourself and your frustration in a way that has not happened for a long time. I would say that is good. You are begining to come back to life.

So keep up the good work. Probably best not to get too carried away but take comfort from being able to feel your emotions in a different way."Good on ya, mate!"

You say you need something meditative and your illustrating sounds as though it would fill that spot.  But if you are not up to it yet try something else.  Have you thought of meditation at all? Look it up on your search engine. Heaps of different types and you can do it at home and alone if you want. Just a thought.

Stop trying to fix your whole life in one hit. It will not work. You have said you will take one step at a time. Remind yourself that you are doing something, i.e. going to the doctor, taking medication, and I hope you will soon make that call to the psychologist. Try to concentrate on the things that go well such as successfully negotiating with CentreLink and getting to the doctor, having your blood test and getting out of the house. As my daughter says, "Baby steps mom, baby steps."

Write in again soon when you feel up to it.

LING

[Choib]

They are wise words LING and Ill take that to heart. I just got back from the doctor and hes upped the ADs, I guess its wise not just for stability but if Im going to make it in these hard times ahead I can use its fortification. I dont mind the side effects this time. But Im pretty distressed as my blood pressure is very high and wants me to go on medication for it if I cant get it down in the coming weeks. So things just keep compounding in the worry pot, and getting a lot of vision flashes which is a bad sign too Im still only 39 and the price im paying for health because of a depressed life and lifestyle to date, I guess the overwhelming feeling of guilt isnt helping as is the pressure of time and timing.

I know I know, be positive over the small wins, trying. really am. I just need to calm down, focus on small things even when big things are happening and growing and scary life stuff continues to surprise us when not ready for it, and without the comfort of a strong family, friends and partner to help with the load. 

Ill try meditation, I know some forms of calming the mind and lowering the heart rate can at least address immediate stress and anxiety. Thanks again for your comfort and prompt replies.

[White_Rose]

Your replies keep demonstrating your progress and it is terrific to read. I carefully avoided, I think, saying be positive about small wins. Just remember them when you feel you cannot do the next thing. "How did I manage that?" Then put that skill to use in your next task. It takes too much energy to be overly positive in the sense that most people use the word. It is also unrealistic to try and think only of the good things. Doesn't work like that (unfortunately). Just use what you have accomplished to help you move to the next thing.

So your GP has upped the ADs. Probably a good thing. Take all the help you can get. High blood pressure is a worry and also a catch 22 situation. The more you worry the higher the BP and the more you worry etc. I hope you do find a meditation process that works for you. I practice Christian Meditation. It's not a church thing and many practitioners do not attend a church. Look it up. There's probably a group near you if you feel up to it, or you can meditate alone.It's good for me. Also helps with my BP. Again take medication if all else fails.

I was always against pills and potions, largely I suspect because my husband told me constantly how I should manage without them. Now I am away from him I can see more clearly the pros and cons.  There are doctors who will prescribe medication at the drop of the hat. So long as you are part of the discussion and understand why your GP wants to prescribe for you, how long for and the expected outcome, why not?

One of the traps of living on your own is not eating properly. Here I must confess my reluctance to eat healthily. Not because I don't want to, but because it is all too much trouble. There are those who love being in the kitchen. I'm not one of them. So I try to prepare meals for several days, things such as stews and casseroles, pies, spaghetti meals etc. They reheat well. Eating well is an important part of your recovery. It is also something you can do on your own, experiment to your heart's content and get very creative. Does wonders for body and soul. So why don't I do it? Good question and I have no valid answer.

It's good to read about all your efforts.

LING

[Choib]

Thanks LING I do feel a little progress has been made especially after so many years of being trapped and immobile in that grey fog unaware of anyone or anything going on around me.  So yes it is positive and the battle with my mind continues as its rebelling (telling me to stay curled up in a ball under the sheets where its safe) but Im aware of its nature. Focusing on the small achievements too and a sense of doing something does indeed add the right amount of positive over wishful positive.

Night times and morning are the worst though, sleep is so hard to get and regulate, the ADs I think are starting to get into my system. But ofc with their effects on the brains chemistry I suspect gaining a regular sleep pattern is going to take a while.

Food is a very big concern, last 2 weeks Ive hardly eaten anything, a small meal or a bite of something which has caused alot of strange sounds from my tummy. Because of the massive loss of appetite and weightloss (which I really needed) has left me without energy and muscle soreness. But I understand why, a breakdown has so many side effects and the complexity of the situation Im in managing the stress of it I have to do something about that next, The doc gave me referral to a dietitian which costs money I dont have but I may go at some point in the future, right now some common sense food purchasing is in order. For years its been protein and carbs in easy to make dishes and fresh food didnt really ever get into my diet. Im under nourished and in poor shape which makes it harder.

So I think you understand how bad things got over such a long time , how deep this hole is and larger steps out into normalcy are still far off. Im not sure if anyone has ever been in my position which makes it very lonely for me , all stemming from a broken home traumatic event, depression/anxiety undiagnosed and untreated , breakdown, moving to a grandparents and being protected with the safety net of living riding that rollercoaster trying to start life several times and failing each time.

So the depression is a massive factor and why Im here, its been in charge for 2 decades and totally had control of my life instead of living with it and having one simultaneously. Not only do I have to treat it, properly this time, I have to finally take charge of my life like a young person does the day they move out and learn everything all over again. Its tragic this all happened and its sad but it is what it is, and its huge and scary alone. 

[HelenM]

Hi Choib 

I don't know if I can add anything useful to LIngs posts. All of us have a slightly different outlook so I'll say my bit and whatever you think is rubbish please discount.

After 12 years of depression I can't face cooking. That was one of the reasons I moved in with my partner. Also I'd forget to buy basics. If I had bread , butter and tea bags I'd probably have run out of milk and patterns such as this. Whenever my kids came round they'd be a little irritated at the lack of basic commodities. My husband cooks. If you can cook anything, well done; it does take co ordination. If you can't cook try to have fruit, tinned veg. breakfast cereal, milk, tinned fish, cold meat, bread and anything else that requires no effort but has protein. At one time beans on toast was too complex - I could have coped with a corned beef sandwich though. Anyway that's my views on a reasonable diet without effort. Nuts are good too. But if LIke LIng you can make casseroles and such then please, even if you don't feel it's an achievement, believe that it is.

There's a thing called mindfulness which has some meditation in it. Perhaps the drawback would be your health of mind at the moment. It appeals to me but although my health is much better these days I find the idea of it intimidation. Mindfulness is seen as a very good thing though.

I think that what's so frustrating in depression is that we don't see results. We can't get a blood test and be told our depressive 'cells' have reduced slightly. It's likely you'll have days when you feel you've done well; only to be knocked back the next day. It took me years to become ill - in fact I probably was ill during that time. But when one evening I fell apart and officially became a person who was mentally ill I started on a recovery that has called for courage and hard, hard work. And it seems to take forever to move forward. And so often I thought I was going backward. After the first few years the difference was very good. And now 12 years on I have spells where I'm well for months and my lows are liveable.

Already you are showing courage and the hard work it takes and if I seem negative it's only because I expected the whole recovery to be over and done within a year.. Do not give up and as long as you don't, believe me, every day is success even though you don't know.

I really hope this in no way offends you. I really admire you for choosing to fight. 

Take care, Helen

[Choib]

Thankyou Helen. It is just the beginning of the fight really this time, even after 20+ years in stasis letting it rule every aspect of my life and my attempts in between to overcome it and failed haven't been enough, not near enough. Its taken this long to really wake up to it, what a broken home did to a kid and that with all the regrets and missing out on so many things because of it I wont be able to get back this time Im aware of the bigger picture. I guess its called "sink or swim" theres no other outs or comfort zones to hide in or leave until later so beginning life at midlife is just something Im starting to accept.

Theres hundreds of things I cut from long ago and reengaging is a real juggle. the last few years took its toll on my living area after losing two very dear people to me in depression, disassociation and mourning. Food and cleaning are two things Im just starting to address and think of and as we all say, baby steps, im applying that with it as well. Im personally not falling for the jump in and make major changes in an effort for achievement and hopes of good feelings like Ive tried in the past, it never sticks for long so slowly, slowly folding new concepts in that most people take for granted. Those being basic life skills normal people learn early on as part of their daily routine.

Food will be okay for now Ive narrowed it down to low cal reheat options for the next few weeks, some fruit for the morning and decaf tea. As I need to lose more weight and as my appetite is very low it works out for now. Anything more hearty and substantial I just cant face preparing, eating or enjoying. Especially anything with oily fattiness to it turns my stomach.  As a guy Im a terrible shopper too, we tend not to do lists or buy fundamental basic foods for recipes, I dont even have a real oven here just a mobile electric small one but it does the job. Im sure when Ive finished cleaning in the ocming weeks and make lots of space it will give me options for preparing real foods if I have the energy and inclination.

Thankfully many here have someone in their lives to help, if not at home with them as a partner or children nearby or a call away and I very much envy them, even though they feel so alone with depression and its nature. They still have that advise and support even motivation for daily life though tentative , its just 100x more difficult when you dont have it, to see the problems, things youve let slip in all aspects of life and living. 

[White_Rose]

I realise you think your progress is slow, but you are keeping on with the work and the triumphs are are showing. As Helen says, cook if you can but otherwise make simple choices about food.  Many reasonable meals come in cans and frozen packets. I lost 22kgs in a very short space of time. I lived on a cheese sandwich everyday and that was only because I thought I would faint or something if I didn't eat.  I had to force myself to eat the sandwich. So I do understand where you are.

There is a strong link between eating, exercise and depression. But you can only do what you can do. These are things to bear in mind for the days when you do have the energy.

I want to tell you about a couple of my successes. On Wednesday morning I decided to attend to appointments for various things. I phoned the air conditioning people and made a time for the air con to be serviced (Friday), phoned the dentist and was given an appointment for that afternoon, received a call from the air con people asking me change my service day to that lunch time, which I did, arranged for my car to be to be serviced (now Friday due to the change of air con date) and made an appointment with the podiatrist as I need new orthotics.  Wow!

What's more I got the air con service done and went to the dentist in the afternoon.  This morning I took the car for its service.  The only drawback was receiving an email from my psych saying he was ill and cancelling our appointment today.  And even that was not a cause for despair as it could well have been. I am impressed with myself so I hope you are also impressed with me.

What always amazes me is that these are the sort of tasks we do as part of our usual routine until they become bigger than Ben Hur. I feel I have conquered Everest at least today, but now I am home again I am going to bed as I am pooped.

My dear Choib, you are doing so well.  Because you are starting to manage your difficulties you have given me the inspiration to work on a couple of mine.  I feel good that I have accomplished these things and it's a weight off my mind because there  is less to worry about. Thank you.

Talk later

LING