Feel there is no hope, no future

[CeeBee]

I've been feeling so low for so long. The thought that I'm only half way through this cliched life is like a brick around my neck.

I've been to doctors, one said "I'm depressed, you're depressed, we're all depressed" She basically told me to get over myself. Then I saw some supposed top notch psychologist and he too said I wasn't depressed but just had bad family using me up. I sob myself to sleep every night, I am filling with more and more hate and anger. . I feel like the outside version of me everyone is seeing is getting further and further from the real me. The one I must keep secret. My family are trying to help I guess, but whenever they contact me I just feel even worse after. I feel they judge me. They really don't need to, my self loathing conversations in front of the mirror far outweigh what they could come up with. I read to do this mirror thing, as a positive thing, say loving things to yourself. But I tried and discovered I just couldn't say anything nice.

I get overwhelmed with such hatred at that thing looking back, that horrid ugly unlovable blob.

I'm living in a pigsty, day after day I'm determined to clean up my mess... tomorrow. But I don't, instead I just eat.

There is not an ounce of anything to look forward to. I'm getting deeper and deeper in this pit and I can't get out.

I'm sorry to be a self-pitying pathetic whinger, I don't see what typing this can do, but the typing it has actually helped a little.

[AGrace]

Hi CeeBee,

Welcome to Beyondblue, apologies it has taken some time for you to get a reply. 

You are very brave to have reached out for support here, especially given your prior negative experiences in asking for help.

Your symptoms of consistent sadness, hiding your feelings, low self worth, comfort eating and lack of motivation are all common side effects of a depressive state. It's important to seek some medical advice. You didn't have much luck with your previous Dr, so I'd suggest checking out the list of GPs who specialise in mental health on Beyondblue's website.The GP will make a referral for you to see either a Psychologist/Psychiatrist. I'm more in favour of a Psychiatrist in the beginning. The choice is yours.

You mentioned that you're having challenges with your family. Perhaps leave them out of the picture for now, especially if your contact with them is making you feel worse. It's probably not their intention to hurt you, but a lot of people lack understanding when it comes to mental illness. Is there a friend that you can talk with instead?

In regards to cleaning your house, is there a possibility of you getting a cleaner for a few hours to tackle the big stuff? I know it can take a lot of effort to clean a messy house in its entirety. Perhaps start with the room that's most important to you. For me it would be the kitchen. Do one task, even if it's just packing the dishwasher. Focus just on that task. Once you have done this perhaps take out all the rubbish. Soon you will have a tidy home. You may only be able to do one task per day, this is better than nothing.

I also hear in your post that you aren't happy with who you are, not just on the inside, but also on the outside. Cleaning can also be good exercise so it will help you tackle 2 things at once. See if you can also manage a small walk each day even if to the end of the street or to your local grocery store. Have a list of healthy items, like fruit, vegetables, cereal, yoghurt, lean meats, that you will buy when you go shopping. Otherwise we tend to head straight for the junk food. If it's easier, purchase frozen meals for dinner/lunch, there are a variety of healthy options available. If it feels like an unmanageable task to go shopping, then shop online. Only choose one treat, this can be what you reward yourself each day after achieving your tasks. During the day if you feel like snacking ride the urge with a cup of herbal tea.

I hope you will let us know how you get on.

AG

[White_Rose]

Dear CeeBee

So pleased to welcome you to BB. Your experience with doctors has not been very positive which is a shame. Usually GPs are more understanding. As AG has suggested, click on Resources at the top of the page and then click on Health Professionals on the drop down list. Hopefully you will find a GP near you who is experienced in managing mental illness.

When you have talked to the doctors have you been completely honest about how you feel? I ask because it is a favourite trick of people with depression to minimize their symptoms and pretend they are OK. Been there, done that. The doctors can only work with what you tell them.

If the psych is correct that it is your family that is causing you this distress I would have thought he/she would be helping you to manage this. Toxic relationships do happen and they are not easy to get away from. The fallout from a situation like this can be horrific.

But whatever the cause you are in a bad place and need help ASAP. I want to tell you that self-loathing is also a common symptom of depression. For years I thought I was such a loser, waste of space and generally breathing air that would be better used by others. You can recover and discover that you are worthwhile; that you have lots to offer. If looking at yourself is painful then stop looking.

I do agree with all that AG has said about cleaning. Don't know your financial situation but if you can manage to get someone to clean for you for a few weeks it may well help you to feel better. I will add that doing this does not make you a lazy slob. It means you are taking positive steps to get well because living in a clean and tidy environment has a huge effect on your mood. Someone cleans my home once a fortnight because I do not have the energy to do this (and I hate housework). I consider that I am contributing to the economic well-being both of my cleaner and the country in general.

Take heart. You are not alone in there. Please reply and tell us how you are going.

Regards

LING