Having nothing in life

[Cee123]

Hi guys, I just need someone to talk to about how crappy I feel.

I have a massive sense of failure in my life and I feel completely stuck, I have ongoing loneliness, years of unemployment, no friends, no partner, I'm 35 soon and I should be married with kids but I have nothing and I feel like time is running out. I live at home with my parents still. They are my only real source of support. I don't have anybody else. And if I lived alone I would've lost it by now and probably taken my own life. I have depression, social anxiety... I've always been single all my life and I can't find anybody. I haven't worked in over 10 years because at my last job which was a deadend job in housekeeping I was bullied and called a retard and this caused ongoing mental health issues. Just a couple of years ago, I started going to the gym with my cousin. I'm currently still going to the gym and this has lifted my spirits a bit. It took me a long, long time before I could even go into a gym. But now I'm running out of money, and I feel like I won't be able to afford it anymore. I don't know what to do for money. I am painfully shy and awkward to even talk to people much of the time. I have been applying for jobs online and heard absolutely nothing back. I have seriously low self-esteem. I just feel sad. I have a dog who's 16 years old now who I can't even take for walks anymore because she's on her last legs. She's like my child.

I've been to therapists about my depression and they haven't helped. I've also been on medication which has helped a little bit. I went off it for about a year because I didn't like the side effects. Now I feel like I'm going to need it again. I don't know what to do with my life. I feel depressed and lonely all the time, no one talks to me anymore, I don't go anywhere because I have nowhere to go. Even at the gym it feels like I have no association with anyone. I'm posting here, I hope I won't get judged or abused because I've abused on forums before and it's been horrible.

[geoff]

Hello Cee, to be a functional human being is something nobody can be all the time, everybody has their days when all they think about is not being capable of achieving what they had intended to do, I know it happens to me, especially when I'm asked to sit in a car and go 2 hours somewhere and then 2 hours back, none of us can be classified as being a robot and don't forget even computers breakdown.

Give yourself some latitude and just because we say no, certainly doesn't make us any worse than the person next to us and remember next week they maybe having a terrible time, but you are feeling great.

Best wishes.

Geoff.

[Cee123]

Hi Sleepy.

I do think the GP is minimizing my issues. The thing is when they don't see you frequently, they don't seem to realize what you're going through. I may look fine at times, but inside I have days where I'm falling apart. I don't really want to burden people by telling them my problems. I don't want to push people away. I don't want to hang around the clinic, go to appointments and stuff like that because I want to get out of there. I want to go home. I want to have a normal life and not be disabled by this. I have had days where I feel fine, calm, and confident and other days where I can't even function... like, at all.

I don't know that I am ok. I just know that I won't get a job anywhere. I don't know what to do anymore, I sit around at home like a sad sack of sh**. A worthless piece of sh** that I am, with nothing going for me. Nobody speaks to me anymore. I don't even know how my family still love or support me. I have been doing the housework, i.e. vacuuming, mopping and mowing the lawns. Even gardening. The thought of meeting new people gives me panic attacks. I have been alone for so long with no life, I don't even have anything to talk about. I broke up with my online girlfriend of 5 years a couple of nights ago because we had a HUGE argument. Nobody wants me at all. I've tried all the dating sites and never met anyone. I deleted them all because I got no interest from anyone. I still don't have children at this age, and I've never been close to being married. All my friends are gone, they've all disappeared from my life. They're all married now, got kids and families of their own. All my cousins are all married, got good jobs, families of their own. All they talk about is their bloody kids. The only one I see anymore is my 42 year old cousin who is like me, with nothing. But he is a MASSIVE USER. I only see him when he wants something. He's constantly pestering me and my father to do sh** for him all the time because he's too lazy to do it himself. People might look at me and wonder why I've been out of work for so long, or why I still live with my parents. It's because I'm a loser. And I'm a sack of sh**. I wish there was just someone in this world who would like me. As a friend or otherwise.

I did have a good easter, I spent time with my family, and it really took my mind off things. But now Easter is over and I have nobody to spend time with.

[Sophie_M]

Hi Cee123, 

It sounds like you are having a difficult time at the moment and we are so sorry to hear that. We have reached out to you privately to suggest some resources that may be useful for you at this time. We think that you are a valued member of the community and want to remind you of that!

Sharing our experiences takes bravery and commitment - thank you for demonstrating those values here.

Kind regards, 
Sophie M

[Cee123]

Hi uggaholic.

Sounds like we have a lot in common then. Do you happen to live in Perth, by any chance? I don't know that it really comforts me that much. You're still 10 years younger than me. I just feel like I'm old and washed up with nobody who wants me around. What's your dog's name? Beautiful, nice to hear about your dog. They are just the best company anyone can have. I'm glad that I comforted you, hope it helped you out. You've comforted me a bit. But I still feel down about myself - isolated, depressed, low self esteem. Wish I could change those things.

That's interesting you say that. ASMR. I've never really tried it or looked into it. Well actually I did watch a couple of videos once, but it didn't really do anything for me. I've never tried it to help me sleep. I've been turning the TV channel over the radio channels - namely SBS radio chill and ABC radio. Or even listening to some relaxation or meditation music on YouTube. But sometimes that kind of music makes me feel sad. I might watch a documentary sometimes. What is the name of that ASMR artist?

Thank you my friend. Wishing you those things as well. Luck hasn't been on my side unfortunately. Thank you for supporting me. I appreciate the kind words. Good luck, it's hard to get out of this slump/funk.

[Cee123]

Thank you geoff,

You're right. Maybe I should stop beating myself up for being this dysfunctional. We can't be functional all the time. Winter is always the worst time for me. For me, everything just comes crashing down in winter (and especially winter mornings and nights), and I have no control over it. Absolutely no control. It just worsens so much. I've tried everything over the years, light boxes, relaxation music, medication, meditation, therapy, nothing helps.

Thanks geoff, that makes me feel a bit better. Knowing that I'm no worse than anyone else. Maybe I should keep that in mind when I start to question myself and feel bad about myself.

Best wishes too,
Cee123

[Guest_1643]

hey cee

i dont know if this will be something u feel okay to here - but many men don't get married til their 40s and are sinlge in their 30s... that doesn't make them losers and is considered pretty normal in many cultures. I know tonnes of single men in their 30s at ur age. I think ur feelings around ur age might be worth discussing with someone, ur young!

i know it doesn't help me seeing this, so i'm not trying to change ur mind or invalidate you, I just was wandering if u could put to the side or on hold these feelings of being very very old and past ur prime and consider that perhaps they come from a negative prejudgement ur putting on urself.... and just consider or sit with the very possibility it could not be true?

As well being male you can have children for the next maybe 20 years without a problem as well so there is time there....

i have been to hopitals and refuges before and met so so many ppl who live with their parents in their 30s andbelieve there are many in this situation. i know how hard it is to feel like u are the only one 😞

i don't live with my parents because I don't have a good relationship with them, but I know many ppl who do in their 30s... although I do find that in my 30s it is harder to keep and maintain a social group, when ppl are busy with kids and ticking off the boxes.... that is sure hard 😞

[Cee123]

Thanks so much Sleepy.

Your post has really opened my eyes, and made me feel better about myself. I also want to apologize. I don't know why I was the way I was the other day. Maybe I was being too self critical. I just felt like I was down in a slump.

Thank you so much for your kind words and your support. You've really made me feel a lot better with what you said and also made me feel like I wasn't alone. You have made me feel a LOT better.

I don't feel like I'm alone now. I'm actually feeling better thanks to everything you've said and told me. I wasn't aware of those things. I really appreciate that, Sleepy. Really put things into perspective. You are so kind. Thank you.

Hope you're doing well as well,
Cee123

[Guest_1643]

Hi Cee

I'm so glad.

It's hard to know sometimes if sharing a diff viewpoint will help.... But that was my authentic and true viewpoint in reading ur posts.

I remember when I went to hospital for the first time I was shocked to meet dozens and dozens of ppl who felt like me

I remember reading an article in the Age recently (you can find it online) "‘I thought there was no one else like me’: Push to build peer support into mental health overhaul"

I am sure there are lots and lots of ppl like u

I think I'd be living with my parents too if they were not abusive.
I know dozens of men in their 30s who do.

[Cee123]

Hi Sleepy.

I just read that article that you mentioned. Interesting stuff. I'm definitely like that myself, been dealing with it for over a decade... On and off. It's almost like people think that as soon as you start taking medication and receive therapy that you're instantly cured. But it doesn't work like that. You sound like myself. You must've been bad if you were hospitalized at one point. I haven't been there... yet.

I hope there are others like me.

Sorry to hear about your parents being abusive. Were they physically, verbally or emotionally abusive? That really sucks that you had to go through that. A lot of the times friends just disappear from your life because they couldn't care less and you don't want to burden them, and family are really all you have. And if you don't have family, then that makes it even tougher.

I would agree with that article. The mental health system needs an overhaul. This government seem hellbent on picking it apart and removing all funding into mental health, as well as failing to provide adequate support and services for people living with mental health issues and other disabilities. Just shows a poor level of understanding and empathy on their behalf.

[Cee123]

I'm having a day where I'm feeling extremely low. I've had a spider bite on my arm that swelled up and got infected, looks like it's rotted a small hole in my arm but it's starting to heal. I've got a swollen pimple on my face that swelled up giving me one cheek looking more puffy than the other and it's giving me a lot of pain. Tomorrow I've got a phone assessment with Centrelink and I'm feeling quite a lot of anxiety. I don't know what they're going to ask me or what I'm going to say. I don't think I can work at this period in time, seriously questioning my capacity to work. Today I've been so depressed I literally did nothing. Even doing the dishes was a huge effort for me. It's the start of winter and that's when my depression worsens. The one thing that makes me feel better - going out to get sunshine and doing a bit of gardening, I couldn't do because it rained all day. So all of this is great timing. My doctor seems to think I'm doing well and the last time I saw him I was ok. But now I'm thinking I might have to up the dose of my antidepressant because it's not working. I'm back with my long distance girlfriend but we've been fighting all the time. It feels like whatever is going around at the moment, I'm going to catch it. I've had a migraine the last two days but it hasn't been too bad. I haven't been going to the gym anymore because I've lost interest in that as well. I couldn't get a job even if I could work. As if not working for the last 10 years isn't the only thing going against me... I have a criminal record from some stupid little thing I did when I was 19 or 20. Public urination and trespassing. The police decided they'd ruin my chances of getting a job by providing me with a criminal record over a misdemeanor. Anxiety, depression, trauma (from workplace bullying at my last job - you can read about it in the workplace bullying thread), lack of confidence and self esteem and that criminal record have all been the perfect storm to keep me isolated and stop me working for so long. I don't know where my future is headed but sometimes I feel like I'm headed for a breakdown.