Having nothing in life

[Cee123]

Hi guys, I just need someone to talk to about how crappy I feel.

I have a massive sense of failure in my life and I feel completely stuck, I have ongoing loneliness, years of unemployment, no friends, no partner, I'm 35 soon and I should be married with kids but I have nothing and I feel like time is running out. I live at home with my parents still. They are my only real source of support. I don't have anybody else. And if I lived alone I would've lost it by now and probably taken my own life. I have depression, social anxiety... I've always been single all my life and I can't find anybody. I haven't worked in over 10 years because at my last job which was a deadend job in housekeeping I was bullied and called a retard and this caused ongoing mental health issues. Just a couple of years ago, I started going to the gym with my cousin. I'm currently still going to the gym and this has lifted my spirits a bit. It took me a long, long time before I could even go into a gym. But now I'm running out of money, and I feel like I won't be able to afford it anymore. I don't know what to do for money. I am painfully shy and awkward to even talk to people much of the time. I have been applying for jobs online and heard absolutely nothing back. I have seriously low self-esteem. I just feel sad. I have a dog who's 16 years old now who I can't even take for walks anymore because she's on her last legs. She's like my child.

I've been to therapists about my depression and they haven't helped. I've also been on medication which has helped a little bit. I went off it for about a year because I didn't like the side effects. Now I feel like I'm going to need it again. I don't know what to do with my life. I feel depressed and lonely all the time, no one talks to me anymore, I don't go anywhere because I have nowhere to go. Even at the gym it feels like I have no association with anyone. I'm posting here, I hope I won't get judged or abused because I've abused on forums before and it's been horrible.

[Sophie_M]

Hey Cee123,

We're so sorry to hear how depressed you felt today. You're dealing with a lot at the moment, and it sounds like you might be being a bit hard on yourself by thinking about all of the reasons why it might be hard to find work. When things are tough, it can be good to just take things one day at a time. It sounds like you achieved something today by doing the dishes, even though you felt really low. You've managed to book in this phone assessment with Centrelink which is another thing you've achieved. Reaching out here to share your story is a third. There are many reading in similar situations, and by writing this you have helped others realise that they aren't alone.

Will you have a chance to see your doctor soon to let them know how you've been feeling and discuss your medication? If your next appointment is a bit of a wait, it might be an idea to book one in sooner if you can.

It's concerning that you are sometimes feeling that you might be headed for a breakdown. Remember that you never have to sit with these thoughts and feelings alone. Lifeline is a national charity providing all Australians experiencing emotional distress with access to 24 hour crisis support and suicide prevention services. You can call them 24/7 on 13 11 14, or chat with them online 7pm-midnight AEDT - https://www.lifeline.org.au/crisis-chat/

Thank you so much for reaching out here and sharing what's happening for you. We hope that being part of our community brings you some comfort on difficult nights like tonight.
 

[Cee123]

Thanks Sophy, that really means a lot to me. I didn't actually achieve that much. And I didn't book that appointment with Centrelink either - they did. So I didn't even get a say. I'm not even ready for that kind of pressure. The doctor doesn't think so either. I guess you're right I did the dishes which is one thing even though it was a struggle yesterday. And today I'm not feeling much better at all. I'm definitely going to take things one day at a time. Thank you, I'm glad I've helped other people realize they're not alone. I've been feeling less alone with some of these people writing to me as well. I've actually enjoyed reaching out here, and engaging with people here - they've been really nice, and accepting and tried to help. Nobody has been judgmental or abusive (which is what I was worried about). I've been able to open up and talk about things freely that I've never been able to talk about with a therapist as they've only minimized the problem or just not listened to me or changed the subject. But at least there are people here who understand. Thanks also for allowing me to reach out here. And hopefully also gather some support. That's been really helpful. Thank you for the kind words Sophy and the support. I appreciate that.

[Cee123]

I might book another appointment with the GP as well and discuss things with him that these medication don't seem to be working, or at least the dose that I'm on at the moment.

[Cee123]

I just returned from the doctor this afternoon. He raised my antidepressant medication, and he prescribed me medication for anxiety. So hopefully this can help me get my anxiety under control and not feel like I'm constantly under attack and being bombed everywhere I go. It doesn't help that I drink coffee daily.

[Guest_1643]

hey cee - nice to see you here

I see u being really lovely to everyone on the forums, which is so appreciated.

How do u feel having got the medication now? is it sorted now and seemingly better?

my anxiety hasn't been so good lately either. Damn those triggers, they're everywhere!

A sign for me is losing things. The second and i mean second I came home from hospital I started losing things, my keys, my wallet, my phone, just arond the house. It's been happening to me like four times a day. Didn't happen even once in hospital. I watched this woman speak recently (I think she wrote the book Still Alice) saying that losing things isn't about memory or forgetfulness, something else, about paying attention... I can't even remember. I feel like I'm not properly paying attention.

Did I read earlier that you were dealing with a LDR as well as all that is on ur plate?
I hope ur doing okay. I agree with u, this place isn't very attacking or judgemental. It is a nice surprise for me too.

[Guest_1643]

Hi Cee

Just saying hi to you

was thinking of you and hoping ur okay, if ur still on the forums

no pressure to reply. hope ur okay

[Cee123]

Hi Sleepy.

Yeah I've been alright. Just the usual. I hope you're well as well. I'm sorry I didn't reply sooner. This winter crappy weather is getting to me. Sorry to hear that. I've been forgetting things as well. Memory hasn't been clear lately. I've been so sleepy lately, lethargic, it's been a struggle even getting out of bed. It's been freezing in the mornings. Been so tired and lethargic. Medication has been helping with depression... sort of. Anxiety not so much. I still have depressed days.

Yeah last night she broke up with me. We've been fighting constantly these past couple of months. She treats me like garbage. I'm so fed up with it. Then tries to turn it around and says that I'm abusive. I don't know maybe I'll be better off without her in my life.

[Guest_1643]

hi cee, if she says ur abusive.... that sounds to me like a sign to get out....that is rough andhard to end a relationship though and i'm so sorry it went south like that.

u deserve someone who respects ur and sees u.

hope u are okay.

[Cee123]

Well we're talking again. But I turned off the notifications in the chat. Because seems like all she does is yell and scream at me and accuse me. I'm just over it.

[Cee123]

I dont think these tablets are working 100%, especially on cold overcast days like today. I couldn't sleep last night, this morning I couldn't get out of bed. And today I did absolutely nothing. These cold wintery days I've been struggling to get out of bed or do much at all. But when the sun is shining that's when I start to feel better. All last week was pouring with rain, so I felt depressed.